Sometimes I don’t know. Right now I’m waiting for my court cases to move forward and to get settlements from them from my attack/injury and I tell myself after that I can go bc I can pay my family back. Other days it’s my dogs and that’s about it. My brain has its days where it really shouts that I should die. I’ll be at the grocery store picking out fruit and my brain will say “kill yourself, no one cares” and I’m like “cool I just wanted to decide on grapes or bananas”. There are days it’s so intense nothing drowns it out and I am surprised I am still alive. I half assed attempted suicide last year and self injured after being attacked at work and went to the hospital but I used to work in the field and know how the system works so my mind was working against me. Even now it does. I don’t think I’ve ever been happy and I was described as an anxious kid. I guess getting hit by a tornado at 6 will do that. And I’ve been depressed since I was like 10 I just never knew what it was. My therapist and psychiatrist will ask why I choose to stay alive and I am confused bc I don’t know most of the time. This turned into a weird rant, sorry.
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Why do you choose to stay alive?
- Post starter Justmehere
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EveHarrington
VIP Member
Hope.
Possibilities.
Possibilities.
The Albatross
VIP Member
Why I choose: Because this life and the associated lessons have been damned hard and I'm determined to learn them so I'm not doomed to repeat it at any point in any potential future. I don't personally happen to be inclined to believe that life ends when my heart stops beatin', my lungs stop breathin' and my brain activity ceases. I am inclined to believe that lessons are repeated until they are learned.
- Post starter
- #28
Justmehere
Sponsor
This has been a wonderful thread to read through. Thank you to everyone who has posted!
What that really sticks out to me are the reasons of curiosity, possibilty, what the future may hold that we just don’t know yet.
I’ve been hanging on to that this week.
I was like, “uh, how about I have breakfast and walk the dog first before making any life decisions, k?”
Now it’s gone and I’m headed out the door... sigh. What a battle. :(
Keep fighting the good fight all.
What that really sticks out to me are the reasons of curiosity, possibilty, what the future may hold that we just don’t know yet.
I’ve been hanging on to that this week.
This totally happens to me! This morning I woke up in an anxious place and before u even got out of bed, my brain said, “end it all, you are nothing but a failure and will never be enough.” There was a plan and everything. Like what the heck?! I had not even put my feet on the floor...
I was like, “uh, how about I have breakfast and walk the dog first before making any life decisions, k?”
Now it’s gone and I’m headed out the door... sigh. What a battle. :(
Keep fighting the good fight all.
scout86
VIP Member
True story. Once, in a moment of frustration, I answered that voice in my head by shouting, out loud "SHUT THE f*ck UP!!!" (Just me & the dogs at the time. :x3:) It actually worked, at least for awhile.
Multitudes
Silver Member
I have a Dark Passenger, always riding along with me wherever I go and whatever I do.
I was abused by a parent, ruined by a narcissist, isolated by an ignorant society.
For a long time I had strength - I worked, built, cared.. then the scales tipped and IT fully took over.
IT had self harmed since my teens, reinforced the conditioning of worthlessness throughout my life, decided that continued existence was pointless and harmful to anyone who cared for me.
We formed an Ending plan together.. it failed - several times.
The last made me realise that there was still time enough for change.. the chance of a Future.
At the last, I realised IT's name, just a few years ago, and now I can finally stand strong against it - keep it from distorting my thoughts and poisoning my emotions.
I can think for myself for the first time, define myself, be myself free of ill-wrought control.
I am finally aware that being alive actually allows for all the possibilities I've always seen in others that I was never able to relate to my own existence.
IT's name is Despair, its strength is hopelessness and its weakness, Love.
I was abused by a parent, ruined by a narcissist, isolated by an ignorant society.
For a long time I had strength - I worked, built, cared.. then the scales tipped and IT fully took over.
IT had self harmed since my teens, reinforced the conditioning of worthlessness throughout my life, decided that continued existence was pointless and harmful to anyone who cared for me.
We formed an Ending plan together.. it failed - several times.
The last made me realise that there was still time enough for change.. the chance of a Future.
At the last, I realised IT's name, just a few years ago, and now I can finally stand strong against it - keep it from distorting my thoughts and poisoning my emotions.
I can think for myself for the first time, define myself, be myself free of ill-wrought control.
I am finally aware that being alive actually allows for all the possibilities I've always seen in others that I was never able to relate to my own existence.
IT's name is Despair, its strength is hopelessness and its weakness, Love.
- Post starter
- #31
Justmehere
Sponsor
Ha! I love this!
I want to like this a million times over. Very well said!
Last edited:
Gamereign555
Diamond Member
I had been suffering from a number of personal issues throughout my life and things got much worse up until about a year and a half ago.
I felt lonely and unworthy. I felt resentful to others on a deep level. I hadn’t forgiven much in my life up to that point. I had also wondered what the point in all this was. What was the reason for all this, and where was I going in life. My issues had reached critical mass and I couldn’t reconcile with myself.
I had actually prayed to something, I don’t know what. I asked “What am I supposed to do?“ answers seem to come through out that day. I decided from then on I would be helpful to others.
The idea seemed counterintuitive my own problems. But many things this past year and a half have fallen into place for me. My own issues I couldn’t solve seem to be solving themselves as I helped others. Issues I couldn’t solve I have accepted and work on those myself but with different perspective. Im more capable than I ever have been in my life, colors are brighter again and I don’t even need medication anymore. I’m a lot more active now. Yesterday I took 17,000 steps.
I am happier and laugh more, I have more friends now and working towards goals I’ve never thought of. I’ve developed a certain spirituality I had not processed before and now I think of new ways of helping people, the community, my neighbors and people in need.
I don’t know if any of this will help anybody what I’m saying. I do know that I don’t recognize myself anymore and I am glad for that. This is the departure from who I used to be. I no longer dwell and think only of myself, I feel I know my place in the world and that’s why I choose to be here.
All of the abuse, traumas, the addictions bad experiences are only serving me now for the better in the form of empathy and sympathy and concern for others.
I felt lonely and unworthy. I felt resentful to others on a deep level. I hadn’t forgiven much in my life up to that point. I had also wondered what the point in all this was. What was the reason for all this, and where was I going in life. My issues had reached critical mass and I couldn’t reconcile with myself.
I had actually prayed to something, I don’t know what. I asked “What am I supposed to do?“ answers seem to come through out that day. I decided from then on I would be helpful to others.
The idea seemed counterintuitive my own problems. But many things this past year and a half have fallen into place for me. My own issues I couldn’t solve seem to be solving themselves as I helped others. Issues I couldn’t solve I have accepted and work on those myself but with different perspective. Im more capable than I ever have been in my life, colors are brighter again and I don’t even need medication anymore. I’m a lot more active now. Yesterday I took 17,000 steps.
I am happier and laugh more, I have more friends now and working towards goals I’ve never thought of. I’ve developed a certain spirituality I had not processed before and now I think of new ways of helping people, the community, my neighbors and people in need.
I don’t know if any of this will help anybody what I’m saying. I do know that I don’t recognize myself anymore and I am glad for that. This is the departure from who I used to be. I no longer dwell and think only of myself, I feel I know my place in the world and that’s why I choose to be here.
All of the abuse, traumas, the addictions bad experiences are only serving me now for the better in the form of empathy and sympathy and concern for others.
Cyberluddite
Silver Member
Kinda reminds me of the line from the song "Piano Man", by Billy Joel:. "Yeah they're sharing a drink they call 'loneliness', but it's better than drinking alone."
There does seem to be some merit to the concept of "you get back what you give to others". In this case, it's hope... and we all need a little of it now and then. :hug:
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