Why Does Her Past Upset Me?

[Stuck20]

The "pure" personality was something I just accepted. It wasn't a draw. I was ready for sex early in our relationship but respected her decision to wait. In the past, the few relationships I had were with women who had plenty more sexual experience than myself and it never bothered me. I have done plenty of stupid things myself. I wonder if I'm afraid of what she is not telling me but I don't know what could be so awful. I'm scared of the unknown. She knows what I've been through as a child and an adult.
I definitely am troubled that she can't feel that she can talk to me. What if she is upset with me or her feelings change and she never tells me? Since this has all happened, I think we both don't express our feelings, especially if they're negative. We don't want to upset each other.

 

[The Albatross]

@Stuck20 - clearly you are doing more than "wondering"... you are compulsively obsessing by your own posts above. If you are troubled that you believe your partner can't talk with you then you have two options: accept or initiate change.

"What if" thinking is anticipatory stress.

 

[ihateusernames]

I'm also guessing that part of what drew you to her was this virginal persona that she presented to you.....but now she's not that person, nor was she ever (you KWIM). In this sense, your wife isn't who you thought she was.

When I first read your post I thought, geez, glad my husband and I don't insist on complete transparency. That sounds like prison to me. Some people really don't want or need to share everything, or to rehash long past events. I'm one of them. Always will be. I don't think that's a thing it's fair to ask your partner to change.

But you know what? I actually went through something similar to what itsKismet is talking about. I know this is the opposite scenario people would expect; I was drawn to my husband because he had an air of innocence and wholesomeness and... good... I was so sick of the opposite. Sick of the debauchery and irreverance of my childhood, sick of immature, disrespectful boys, and everybody talking about "partying!!", sick of everybody I dated turning out to be drunks or sexual predators... or married to somebody else. So my husband was none of that and I was crazy about him.

Fast forward a few years, and particularly after a year of marriage, and I discovered many cracks in the facade I had built around him myself. I won't bore you with the details, but I felt like I didn't know who he was, like I had been deceived, and I believed that there was no way we would make it as a couple. Maybe you could say I obsessed over it, too. I frantically tried to "fix" things I saw as broken.

What I had to do was re-learn to love the person he actually is. It's either that or give up. And it turned out that wholesome quality was really only a small portion of what drew me to him. There is so much more to our relationship. There really always was.

I hope that you can get past this, it sounds like you're going to need some help with that. Constant intrusive thoughts are horrible :(

 

[Stuck20]

I'm worried about the fact that I created an illusion and if our relationship will survive. I also am trying to deal with the fact that my relationships with a few friends, including men and women, are close enough that we can say anything to each other. I discovered that I don't have that with my wife. What does that mean for us? Does that mean, in some ways, I'm more intimate with friends and have a more trusting relationship with them than with my wife? How would she feel if she realized this. I don't know if she trusts other people more than me. I might be the person that she trusts the most and she just has never been closer to anyone else before.

 

[SabrinaB]

The theme I keep hearing is that communication between the two of you is not as open as it could be. A marriage can't be healthy if partners hold in feelings and struggles. If you have concerns, questions or problems with obsessive thoughts this is something you should be sharing with your wife.

Your desire to guard or shield her has a codependent feel to it. Adults don't need to be protected from life and the feelings of other people. It's unhealthy and unfair if this is a pattern in your relationship. This is something I've been working on with my husband, so it's close to my heart.

 

[Fadeaway]

Adults don't need to be protected from life and the feelings of other people.

I am going to respectfully disagree to a point. There are somethings you just don't say for the sake of a good relationship. I think certain aspects of ones previous sexual history falls under this. My ex was WAY too open about his previous sexual history. It was unnecessary and hurtful. Of course that was the intention, but that is besides the point.

It's like the "Do these jeans make me look fat?" question. Out of respect for the other person, the correct answer is no. Shielding a person from feelings that could be hurtful, is being respectful in my opinion. Sure, there are times that it would do more harm to the relationship not to tell. As for which category the OP's situation falls under, well, that isn't for me to say. I don't know whether he should tell her or not.

 

[Stuck20]

I don't see how telling my wife about my obsessive thoughts is constructive in any way. It can only hurt our relationship. There's nothing that she can do about them but just be upset that it's happening.
As for communicating our thoughts and feelings more openly, I've identified this as a challenge for us. I think we both try to avoid conflict and upsetting the other person. We're too nice to each other. I've asked her if she would go to couple's therapy with me. The answer was an instant and emphatic"No." I see counseling as an opportunity to improve our relationship and not a blame game. She has said in the past that she's not comfortable opening up to a counselor and doesn't think it would work for her. I asked her how we should overcome this challenge and she said she didn't know. She has since ignored the conversation for at least 2 months. I just don't think we're in a place where I can tell her about upsetting things like my obsessive thoughts. I will continue my therapy with my own counselor and work on my obsessive thoughts from there.

 

[ihateusernames]

I will continue my therapy with my own counselor and work on my obsessive thoughts from there.

I think this is the best thing for you to do.