Wife Resists Trying To Understand

[CDKLaw]

My wife behaves in a way and says things to me regularly that diminish my self-esteem, then I feel really ill and I'll take ages to recover. I'll pull myself back up again with lots of effort but the next time she is angry she will do the same things. If I ask for a change or express that my needs are not being met, she verbally punishes me. For years, I have asked her to learn a bit about CPTSD to understand what I live with. She has not done this. Why would she not do this if she loves me?
Also, if I say that my mental wellbeing is decreasing a bit and I'm finding it tough, she gets really angry. I feel like I have to be an actor in my home to avoid her anger and nasty comments. She attacks my character as a person. I feel like I'm living in my childhood again.
How can I get her to behave in a way that acknowledges my needs due to CPTSD?

 

[Mim28]

My wife behaves in a way and says things to me regularly that diminish my self-esteem, then I feel reall...

Hi CDKLaw,
I'm sorry that you have to go through this? You didn't mention whether or not you see a therapist. If yes, have you discussed this with them? Sadly, I don't know that you can get her to understand it or even to treat you better, but I think a therapist can help you work through establishing boundaries and help you work on your self esteem. It may require joint counseling.
I'm not sure if I've been helpful. I do wish you the best.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: CDKLaw - ouch, that's gotta hurt.

How can I get her to behave in a way that acknowledges my needs due to CPTSD?

Here's the thing, you can't get her to behave in any particular way, no matter how much you want or need her to do it. You have no control over her. None. The only person you have any control over is you. I really struggle(d) with loved ones who have been incredibly verbally hurtful towards me on issues that were very triggering for me because of having PTSD. I spent years thinking if they only understood, then they wouldn't make these remarks. I kept trying and trying to change them. They never changed and it only got worse.

The only thing that worked was for me to change me and begin to set and keep external boundaries about hurtful comments. I also worked on internal boundaries (learning to take in comments that were helpful, and to push away comments that were not helpful), and on how to manage triggers as well.

It was only then - that the cycle of being triggered by the comments, spiraling down, them getting more exhausted and frustrated and lashing out again - began to change. One of my loved ones changed the way they acted, and the other one didn't change, but I don't continue to be exposed to the comments that spiral me down.

Based on the information you have given, this seems like a great situation to use stronger boundaries.

My wife behaves in a way and says things to me regularly that diminish my self-esteem

Identify what are some of the ways she acts and behaves that are difficult. Then identify what is her responsibility and what is yours. Keep in mind that she is responsible for her behavior and comments. You are responsible for your reaction. Even if she completely and totally understands CPTSD, it's up to you to manage your triggers.

Figure out what you would like her to do instead. Be specific. Instead of saying what you don't want, put it as a positive, and tell her what would be helpful.

Figure out what you will do if she continues the behavior. Be specific. One family member of mine became a jerk about my driving. It was beyond backseat driving.... I told them that if they made xyz comments about my driving, I would not continue to drive with them in the car in order to best take care of my needs. They stopped making those comments, and even when they started to do so, I changed how I was handling it in order to limit the amount I was being exposed to the comments.

Once you figured out what your boundaries will be, then find a time where you both are getting along and doing well, and your symptoms are not high, and ask to sit down and gently tell her about your boundaries. What you will do.

For years, I have asked her to learn a bit about CPTSD to understand what I live with. She has not done this. Why would she not do this if she loves me?

This is totally speculation, but these are a few possibilities: she is a horrible person as a whole, and/or you are in a trauma reenactment relationship with her and she is replaying what some of your original abuser(s) did, or because she is scared to face how much you went through and what it means for you, or she feels helpless to meet the need and doesn't know how to tolerate or communicate that, and/or because you are putting responsibility on her to manage your reaction and she's rejecting that responsibility along with learning about the CPTSD... there are many more possible reasons why.

In the end, only she knows why. Have you asked her why she doesn't want to learn more about it?

 

[Pixielicious]

Setting boundaries in how you will and will not be talked to and following through with the boundaries you set for yourself would be a good start imho
You can't and shouldn't try to change her, nobody should.
The only person we can change is our selves and how we are treated....

 

[Kolten]

This is something I imagine a lot of survivors are going through. I am. I hope it brings you some sense of comfort in knowing you're not alone. Before advice I will share a small part of my story. I suffer from CPTSD as well. I have been diagnosed 1.5yrs ago and it's been the roughest time of my life. My wife has been ran thru the entirety of the ugliness this has brought into our home and marriage. My wife used to be kind and caring and very compassionate. She would research things to help us in any way possible. She was having to step into the shoes of the head of household to work, take care of the home and kids etc. I wasn't much help for a long time. I think all of this wore on her and she ended up getting vicarious PTSD from mine. Things got worse. My episodes would trigger her. There was a lot of ugly times. She seemed to turn into a resentment of what had happened to is by fault or no fault. Our marriage started to go downhill quickly and we didn't know how to catch it. This is common from what I hear with sufferers winding up divorced. We have both been in therapy for a long time. Things just weren't jiving anymore and I felt she saw me as a shell of a man that used to act and be a man and now was a product of PTSD. I think she was right. I had lost myself and was not promoting healing or recovery. I needed to find myself again and get on a better path. Fast. So a week ago I started different small habits to begin that process. One step at a time. She seems to see me now and things aren't perfect but we are working on it. She has lost herself too in all of this. We must be individuals too in a marriage to be successful.
I imagine your wife wants to see the same from you as her husband. Someone who does have a disease but will go to any length to fight it. To stand on his own two feet. Prove to her you haven't let the disease define you. Old habits die hard. Try to research the best self help you can possibly do on your own and recognise you WILL do it if you try. Make no not an option anymore. The more she sees you doing this She will start coming around to it all. She will regain compassion and support. She will see you doing all you can to help YOU. She is likely frustrated. Neither of you asked for this disease. It happened. Learn to cope to be ok with it. I mean all of this genuine and heartfelt. I would be willing to promise you will see a huge difference in ur marriage. In her. In you. She wants your confidence back. Show her. You are standing up to fight this disease. And it won't win. You guys will. You can't force her to research things or be more involved with the disease. But I bet she will once you do a few of my suggestions. Just try it. Can't hurt right?

Good luck to you. I feel your pain. Your welcome to PM me anytime for support on this. You came to the right place!

 

[CDKLaw]

Hi CDKLaw,
I'm sorry that you have to go through this? You didn't mention whether or not you see a thera...

Thank you. Any response is helpful. Yes, I have had a therapist for years but I feel embarrassed to talk about it because I'm in a cycle and I think it frustrates my therapist. I kind of just don't find it very helpful to speak to my therapist. It's not her fault. It's just that there is only so much she can say. Nothing I try makes any difference. Maybe marriage counselling will help?

 

[CDKLaw]

:hug: CDKLaw - ouch, that's gotta hurt.

Here's the thing, you can't get her to behave in any partic...

That was a really helpful message. Thanks. She won't answer me when I ask. She just says she will do it but she never does as she is a doctor and works all the time. She does not keep promises or anything like that. When we come to agreements about boundaries and how we handle disagreements, she will rescind them as soon as she gets angry. She totally changes. Her face changes. It becomes tight and scary looking. She glares at me like she hates me. Or she refuses to look at me. She interrupts me and doesn't let me finish my sentences. She will say ' You think you are a good person but you are not. You are a bad person who has never done anything for anyone to benefit their life.' I think these things are quite extreme and unfair to say. Then when she's not angry, I am the most wonderful person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. I need more consistency. I need her to be able to be angry with me without being so contemptuous. I have said that I will need to leave if something doesn't change. Earlier this year, she got drunk and beat the shit out of me. She said that she would make some changes but then she never did. Do you think she can ever change?
My only other option is to change the marriage. I won't expect any emotional support and we can look after each other in practical ways and have an intellectual relationship. I don't feel like I want to be physically close to her at the moment because of the trust issues but this has got me in trouble and she is very angry that I don't want cuddles and that I am unhappy.

 

[CDKLaw]

This is something I imagine a lot of survivors are going through. I am. I hope it brings you some sense...

Thanks Kolten. I have been working hard in therapy for 4 years. I also have started a professional acting career and, though I've had success and am getting paid work, it's really stressful. I feel at my limits. Thought I should let you know that my wife and I are both women. It's a same sex relationship. I am fighting tooth and nail to do things that terrify me and contribute as much as possible to the household. When I'm not acting, I am looking after the house and cooking her meals. I sing to her and do impressions to entertain her. I do try my best. I just don't think I can handle someone who only cares about how I feel insofar as it affects them. That's not how I feel for her.

 

[Mytime]

Marriage Counseling could help. It has helped my marriage a great deal.

 

[Pixielicious]

I'm just thinking that when people behave like that, the belittling, the name calling etc, imo it's verbal abuse and nobody should tolerate it.
We all say things we regret afterwards during an argument, but if the berating is constant and outside of arguments then it is verbal and emotional abuse and its wrong. Very wrong.

 

[Justmehere]

Earlier this year, she got drunk and beat the shit out of me. She said that she would make some changes but then she never did. Do you think she can ever change?

MAJOR red flag here. This is trauma. This is domestic violence. This is very wrong.

Most people who perpetrate domestic violence promise to change. Most change for a short while. Most do not sustain change, at least not until they face serious consequences for their behavior.

The few that actually do change and sustain that change are usually those that faces hard and fast boundaries and accept full responsibility for their behavior and got their asses into treatment.

You can't talk her into change.

Have you thought about reaching out to a domestic violence shelter about this incident? They have a ton of resources about how to handle this and heal from stuff like this, and how to handle boundaries with the partner who committed an act of violence.

I think you may be stuck in a trauma reenactment cycle with her -- it can be broken, and it will take reaching out for all the help you can get outside of the marriage and some strong boundaries.

When we come to agreements about boundaries and how we handle disagreements, she will rescind them as soon as she gets angry. She totally changes. Her face changes. It becomes tight and scary looking. She glares at me like she hates me. Or she refuses to look at me. She interrupts me and doesn't let me finish my sentences.

Boundaries are not agreements. Boundaries are boundaries. They are YOUR limits. You can keep them even if she doesn't ever agree with them. Like the example with my family member and driving, it wasn't an agreement we had. It was my notifying my family member what I could and could not do. I could not drive with them in the car if they were going to make the comments. They could choose to change or not. The goal wasn't my seeking that they agree to change - it was my choosing how I was going to act so that either they stopped or I was no longer in the car with them.

Does that help explain the difference between agreements and boundaries a bit?

Boundaries are what we do when agreements for change don't lead to sustained change.

 

[CDKLaw]

MAJOR red flag here. This is trauma. This is domestic violence. This is very wrong.

Most people who...

The complicated part about it is that I used to be violent and have anger issues. We were both violent but I was a lot worse. It wasn't just her. I would get totally out of control in public and behave aggressively. I was so abusive. But I hated myself and acknowledged what I was doing was wrong. I couldn't get any help for a long time then I went to private therapy. I very quickly learned to control my temper and have not been violent in 4 years. I have fully acknowledged my behaviour and we have had many conversations about how it all affected her. I've said I understand if she can't forgive and does not want to be with me. I have encouraged her to seek therapy to help her process this. Now it's like I'm tame and she is a wild, snarling beast. I don't know how to stay but I can't leave as she stood by me. I honestly can't take much more punishment. I can forgive the past 4 years of punishment but I can't take anymore. Should I just walk away if she starts getting angry? How can I change my needs within the relationship?