Will I Ever Be Able To Cry?

[Cool Cat]

i think the first post I ever put here was about not being able to cry. I've been in therapy with a good shrink for a year now, discounting summer months and holidays. I cried in the consulation and in an early session but both very very brief and I haven't cried since. I haven't really cried in several years.

And I really wish I could.

Very early childhood trauma yada yada yada. There is a great long list of reasons as to how I got to this point but like, is there hope? Can you cry as a traumatised person?

And if so, like what helps ctrauma people here learn how to cry, and for it to be okay.

Like I've made so much progress in every area bar this one where there has been pretty much none.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@Cool Cat I've been pondering on this topic all day long, today. Also, I am working on it in therapy. It is very hard for me too but I hope I will be able to do it freely one day. Sometimes, it helps me to watch some touching movies or documentaries. One that made me cry and I found it inspirational is called "The Human Experience". Another option is listening to some sad music like Sarah Mclachlan Angel.

I am considering EMDR to help me with crying because whenever I start feeling sad and feel like crying the thought "I shouldn't feel this way" comes to mind and an early memory.

 

[WillyKat]

Very difficult for me too.

If you think about it, crying is a way we get attention from caregivers. It's literally crying for help, assistance, protection. In my case, I believe that crying would have exposed the abuser and doing that would have brought me a great deal of harm from him and no guarantee of protection from my caregivers. So I don't do it because that's how I learned to protect myself.

OK, so...why can't I cry now. I think its because I was programmed not to and changing that programming is damn difficult to do.

Not sure if this applies to you but I'm throwing it out there as something to ponder.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I cried a lot when I was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder and PTSD. Sitting with the neuropsychologist that tested me after my chemical injury. I kept saying I put my childhood behind me and she kept saying No, you didn't. I was hysterical and then I just shut down and haven't been able to cry since except when my dog died. When I start going to darkness at therapy, he always puts the Kleenex next to me. Like I should be crying but I just can't. I think I know intellectually that acknowledging my abuse would benefit me, but emotionally, I fear it will literally kill me. So I just don't feel. I tell my therapist horror stories in the same mood I can recite a recipe for cookies. Right now as I am writing this, my anxiety level is rising. So I think I should have my head examined.....

 

[GWhizz]

I seldom cry if really upset or about stuff in therapy. I feel I'm just so desensitized because I saw too much too young etc. I wish I could feel normal and just cry. I think the disconnection is all a part of the ptsd though and something we need to bring to therapy to try to work on.

 

[watundah]

I hear ya, sister.
When my Mom died (13 years ago) I was on a jag and it took about two years before I could watch ANY death scene on tv or movie without crying. I got over that and went back to iron clad intestinal fortitude. It's all about vulnerability for me. Can't let anyone see me weak...I fight crying in therapy. I should stop that.

 

[garden]

I used to think it strange that I didn't cry because all the women I knew could cry at the drop of a hat, and there I was, all dry n stuff.

It's because in order to survive the atrocities that we did, we had to NOT allow ourselves to feel the full range of human emotions, and once that crappy groundwork was laid for us, it was embedded enough to become our normal. So much was taken from us guys...soooooo much. I can cry now, but I am aware that I am not allowing myself to go beyond a certain place emotionally... I literally go numb if what I'm feeling is gonna be too much, and I can't even control this.

I think it's going to take a long time to stretch myself and allow myself to feel more...

 

[watundah]

Yes exactly.
There is a shut down lever on the emotions box. Dissociation. It's getting better though. Baby steps. Grounding exercises. Yoga and meditation. Breathing. Lots of work. Erf.

 

[RussH]

cool cat, I went for over ten years without being able to cry, and then one day I was able to. Now I cry at the tip of a hat:bawling::meh:

 

[garden]

@RussH that's encouraging! I can't wait til I can do that!

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@RussH congratulations. You are inspiration.
@Lewa you beat me! I was gonna say the same thing. I rally want to be able to sit down and cry and let it all out.

 

[garden]

@UniversalBeing I am in wonder when I try to imagine what that would be like, to be able to feel everything and feel safe enough to express it all...

We have something to look forward to! :D