SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
This is not entirely about PTSD, although a little bit it is, because my brain tends to connect lack of money with a very bad situation I was in. So sometimes lack of work can send me on very dark spirals mentally. I've been having generally steady work for 4-5 months now, which was a welcomed change. But sometimes there are lulls between projects and now is one of those. So in the meantime I was working a job that isn't really nice, mostly because the pay is reeeeaaally low. But I figured it beat sitting around until the next project(could be a day, or worst case few weeks). So I was using that job to tie things between projects. But now there are days when that job runs low.
So there is a similar job in amount of pay, but I like that job even less, and I've done it very little(so it can stress me out fast). If I got to choose a side job, I know what I would do. Exact side business which I know would work, but would take time. But doing these whatever jobs that I hate is making me feel low and cracks my confidence and I end up resenting what I do and then at the end of the day having no motivation to look for a different job or build a business at all. But I need to do such jobs from time to time to pay bills in between the better jobs. But it makes it harder to believe I can earn more and do more. I don't know how to explain it.
So I made a 90 day plan, thinking, yes, this will have setback and so on, but I will take it day by day. And hey, if I stick out the small tasks, the daily grind, if I manage to do regular work(the regular one and the one I hate) and slowly build this business, I know in 10 months or in a year things will be entirely different. But it's like and things aren't straight forward. The tasks for the business I thought I would do in week one are now delayed with a week, because every task requires 2 tasks I didn't predict. I mean, maybe this is the nature of building something new, there will be roadblocks, I just need to take it one task at a time... But where do I find continuous motivation? Especially to do both the jobs I hate and to build something new at the same time? It's a lot of mental energy that I don't always have. I know, I need to find it, somehow, in myself, I have to, or in half a year or a year I'll be in the same position. But scaring myself into it(i.e. telling myself I need to do this to pay my bills or I would be on the street...) just wakes up the hypervigilant part of me, so it's not helpful.
But this week was rough. Thinking I would do one task and then having to figure out one pre-task, and another and another. Thinking I would be doing one job, then trying the other, and then having to get to this 3rd job I haven't done for several months, just to work something this week. It's been quite a week...
How do I find it in me, the motivation to be doing it all? Whichever of the current jobs is around, learning new stuff, looking for a better job, building a business? I think this would have been a lot at my best days... I am not sure even if I'm looking for advice or venting, as I think possibly there is not much I can do, other than somehow push through... that maybe motivation doesn't have a formula but rather I just need to push forward for long enough and pray I can pull it out of myself...
So there is a similar job in amount of pay, but I like that job even less, and I've done it very little(so it can stress me out fast). If I got to choose a side job, I know what I would do. Exact side business which I know would work, but would take time. But doing these whatever jobs that I hate is making me feel low and cracks my confidence and I end up resenting what I do and then at the end of the day having no motivation to look for a different job or build a business at all. But I need to do such jobs from time to time to pay bills in between the better jobs. But it makes it harder to believe I can earn more and do more. I don't know how to explain it.
So I made a 90 day plan, thinking, yes, this will have setback and so on, but I will take it day by day. And hey, if I stick out the small tasks, the daily grind, if I manage to do regular work(the regular one and the one I hate) and slowly build this business, I know in 10 months or in a year things will be entirely different. But it's like and things aren't straight forward. The tasks for the business I thought I would do in week one are now delayed with a week, because every task requires 2 tasks I didn't predict. I mean, maybe this is the nature of building something new, there will be roadblocks, I just need to take it one task at a time... But where do I find continuous motivation? Especially to do both the jobs I hate and to build something new at the same time? It's a lot of mental energy that I don't always have. I know, I need to find it, somehow, in myself, I have to, or in half a year or a year I'll be in the same position. But scaring myself into it(i.e. telling myself I need to do this to pay my bills or I would be on the street...) just wakes up the hypervigilant part of me, so it's not helpful.
But this week was rough. Thinking I would do one task and then having to figure out one pre-task, and another and another. Thinking I would be doing one job, then trying the other, and then having to get to this 3rd job I haven't done for several months, just to work something this week. It's been quite a week...
How do I find it in me, the motivation to be doing it all? Whichever of the current jobs is around, learning new stuff, looking for a better job, building a business? I think this would have been a lot at my best days... I am not sure even if I'm looking for advice or venting, as I think possibly there is not much I can do, other than somehow push through... that maybe motivation doesn't have a formula but rather I just need to push forward for long enough and pray I can pull it out of myself...
