Working On Myself Hurts

[Tinyflame]

Thank you anni, there's so much self-blame with this it's hard to know where the responsibilty begins and ends. I only know it usually seems most likely to accept all of it. Especially if it's held against you as the cause when you are only trying (the only way you know how) to stop or get away from control or abuse or what makes you feel (dangerously) worse, to expess that and have it respected (so that you can survive).

And to say "perhaps those negative thoughts aren't so negative after all, if they show you the truth", is so important- so true. -Thank you.

I don't know your husband either, Iam, but I echo anni's thoughts.

I know that no one can be all-forgiving or understanding but I think it helps immensely if someone is very kind, because I think most of us feel pretty fractured and stressed-out and battered-down, by our own self-concept as well.
We all do the best we can with the tools we have at the time.

 

[Iam]

Thanks all. My husband and I sat down to talk again last night. Lots came out about how we have hurt eachother. I ended up sobbing in his arms. Boy did that feel good, to actually cry full on and not even dissociate. That was good for me. Got lots of pain out. I think we both finally "get it" and can work from here. He will read the book and said he'll consider counseling. He said that for years he thought it was all him doing the hurting and that he sees now that it is both of us. I do too, though I do believe I started emotionally abusing him as retalliation (that doesn't make it right, I know.) I can also understand how hard it is for him to deal with my PTSD now that it is sooo bad. We are lucky in that we do love eachother and have a lot going for us. Maybe we can work things out. I sure hope so.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone and the validation. I really needed the support.

 

[Jawn]

I'm glad to hear it Iam. Hang in there and try to focus on the positives, like this discussion and he's finally saying that seeing a counselor might be a good thing for him too. My offer to talk to him still stands.

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Thanks Jawn ;)

 

[anni]

Ah. So the love is still there. Well, talk about a positive! There just has to be a bottom line to all the struggle for both of you. I hate to sound jaundiced on the subject of marraige but *just* the whole concept of being married isn't enough. It has to be the Love- there's the purpose to make most things worthwhile pretty much across the board, I think. My ex said the word all the time but might as well have been saying 'toilet paper' or 'shovel' for as much as it meant. He did not. You know you have it- light when there's darkness, very precious.

I'm glad to hear you better today. :)

 

[Abrasky]

It sounds like you have come to a turning point in your relationship. Councelling will help. Sometimes in our parents relationships we learn love equals emotional pain and can't tell the difference. Councelling helps you to make this differentiation.

 

[seedling]

My dad told me a long time ago that confusion is change. I try to just roll with it when it floods me. I know things are going to look different soon, something is processing. This ride is the most confusing one I've ever taken though.

It seems to me that you and your husband are on an equal playing field if each of you has been abusive to the other, for whatever reason. I think when one person is so much more than the other, then there can be no meeting in the middle. I know how it feels to think the worst, to think "that's the way is was for that person, so that's what will happen to me." But I've always sensed that you and your husband have something really deep between the two of you, a willingness.

Glad to hear he's been able to listen and share with you. Keep on going.....:)

 

[Iam]

EMDR has been tough the last couple of weeks. Today was so frustrating because I just keep coming back to the 7 year old who is angry and mistrusts everyone, even me. She is starting to let me closer which is improvement I guess.

Last weekend at a family gathering was full of triggers for me making it a tough 3 days. Then today my mother sounded like she is headed for one of her "episodes". I'll leave it at that word. My T thinks that my guard is up as a result and I am sure she is right. She suggested that I right a letter to the "girls". Meaning my frozen ego states.

I came home and wrote one to the 7 year old. Explaining that I understand how much she hurts, how alone, confused and scared she is. That I want to be there to help her, to comfort and take care of her. (You know, all the self comforting that we are encouraged to do.) She ended up letting me hold her and she cried and cried. Finally it was her in me crying.....does that even make sense? Tears were pouring out silently and in my mind and heart I was cradling her, telling her that it was ok to cry, ok to be angry, to let it all out. That I am here for her and will take care of her. That no-one can hurt her anymore. Oh man did it hurt.

For someone who couldn't cry a year ago I seem to be doing my share off and on now. It's a good thing. Exhausting, but good. Cleansing.

While I understand the concept, I still don't see how this helps. I mean, it doesn't change what happened. I can't go back and be the carefree little girl I should have been allowed to be. So how does this make a difference? I don't know, but I am trusting that since both of my Ts say it is necessary in order to heal and for those memories to not have power over me anymore (that they even do have power), I guess I will go with it and see if it truly does help. It sure as heck better help to make all the pain worth it!

 

[Nighthawk]

I'm with you on the pain and I think it's important for us to find those children in us. I am not one to talk because I can't even get close to that child.

(((((hugs))))))

NH

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Iam)))))

So glad to hear there's hope for those of us who can't cry...I get a tear or two and that's it. Though I've actually had a minute or two of silent weeping....hoping there's some release ahead.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((((Iam)))))))))))))

Congratulations!
This is such crucial, vital work!

You don't change the past, but you're healing and integrating your frozen ego states. You're healing the effects of the past and transforming your present and future.

The pain is worth it... You'll see...
Cheering you on - this is powerful inner work, Iam!
Sending hugs, and much love,
Deer

PS, (((((((((((BloomInWinter))))))))))))) I was the same - couldn't cry... a very gentle woman therapist provided the safety, encouragement and even taught me how to cry. I have every hope that you will be able to, as well, for your much needed release. Love you!

 

[Sterre]

While I understand the concept, I still don't see how this helps. I mean, it doesn't change what happened. I can't go back and be the carefree little girl I should have been allowed to be. So how does this make a difference? I don't know, but I am trusting that since both of my Ts say it is necessary in order to heal and for those memories to not have power over me anymore (that they even do have power), I guess I will go with it and see if it truly does help. It sure as heck better help to make all the pain worth it!

Wow Iam, what a big step you've made!

Reconnecting to your inner 7 year old, will not make a difference in what happend in the past, but it can make a big diffence in how you appraoch yourself in the future. Understanding ( not with your mind, but on a emotional level) the emotions of your seven year old, can make you understand yourself better. It can create a chain between the past and your future reactions to triggers or situations.
Being able to comfort that part of yourself could mean that you wil be able to comfort yourself in situations that take place in the here and now. Most likely it can result in less anxiety or stress because you don't have to keep the lid on the 7 year old girl anymore.
How wonderfull for you Iam!