Would you want to know what happened to you if you had the choice and means?

[Midnightmoon]

as someone who was an adult for all of their trauma, with near perfect recall? Probably not.

Yup, as an adult the stuff is sketchy but enough, I don't feel the need to know the blow by blow account, the headlines are fine. But the childhood stuff I don't even have headlines. I think I at least need those to then cause...

Knowing stuff helps to settle it

Completely this. I need to know so it settles my brain, but I guess that means completely throwing it into the air first, not a great option either.

think I would rather everything stayed hidden. I wish that my blocking part hadn't been overwhelmed and the bloackade crumbled. I would like to go back to just being anxious and not really understanding it.

I'm sorry, and me too. If I had the choice again give me life numb and unaware rather than this Pandora's box I've managed to unleash but heck it's a bit late now huh

 

[amicableDog6980]

Personally not knowing would drive me crazy. If I don't know how can I be in control and if I'm not in control how can I protect myself?
However in the case of having DID, different alters know and they protect you. So I guess then my question would be if you trust your alters to protect you. If yes then it may be better not to know, and just let yourself cope through DID and focus on the future.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

I think what is weird for me is knowing that parts of me know what happened to me even though I do not. And I’m not sure even if I did read it on paper if it would register as “me”. I used to be more coconcious than I am now, and it’s been harder to accept that I have trauma at all the more separate I become. So for me, at least at this moment, I don’t think knowing would actually change anything, which is a very strange thing to admit.

 

[Susan Jane]

I have seldom memories of childhood and what resulted in me being removed from one parent and nearly removed from the other. In the past few months I'm getting random flashbacks of tiny snippets of things with no context, and part of me is desperate to know more and fill in the blanks, and another wants it all to be forgotten. I was more than old enough to in theory remember some of what happened and it was over a time period of years, but there is nothing. I can join some sketchy dots together to attempt to make a hypothesis, but I don't like the answers I get.

I have a DID diagnosis as well as CPTSD so there is chance that parts of me hold more info than I currently have access to. I am not very good at accepting engagement with parts so communication between is limited/ nil.

I have a big need to prove I'm fine, and I know some of the pull to find out is to prove to myself nothing happened and I'm being dramatic. From a logical perspective, I know that being removed from a parent isn't a result of nothing. There is also a fear I've lied, implied or generally led some poor social workers to the wrong conclusion.

I'm looking into requesting my court files, I have this deep need to know along with an anxiety about what knowing might do to me. I also know that whatever is written might not be the full picture, it'll be predominantly other people's assessments of me and the situation as supposed to anything I've directly said I think. But it feels like there is a magic answer out there and it's such an obvious solution to know so then I can deal with it?

Would you want to know, if you had no memory and a way of finding out?

I have a big need to prove I am fine too. It is one of my go to answers "I'm fine" and then I hide. I started telling people more of then truth lately. I cannot explain my issues to them, it is hard for them to understand, so I just say I am having a bad day. I still need to see people now and again, and I try to just enjoy a tea or a walk. Deep down I know no one can help me with my flashbacks.

I am in the middle of a heavy duty flashback at the moment, well actually about 2 months now. I had to call in sick to work the last 6 weeks.

Why am I explaining this? Well because I don't think knowing everything will help me. I have recurring memories that haunt me, the same vivid pictures, of being terrified, disassociated and sad as a child. This hits me when I am in a flashback period. I think if I knew it would break me more. The terror now is real, my body sends out panic, heat, confusion etc etc and I feel like I might never be back to just normal coping with my issues. I think knowing would make that worse for me. In this stage of my struggle, I just try to accept it. This is much easier said then done. Sending you my understanding and compassion. I think all of us want a magic pill, a oh that is what it is moment, and then be free. I do not hope this is going to happen anymore, even though I would be so grateful for it to be true. Susan

 

[Freida]

yes but only because not knowing, and then finding out in bubbles that made no sense, has been a nightmare.