Wulp Me And Her Are Getting Together

[sonicwhite]

My roommates daughter and I have thought it would be awesome to get together. One thing is we have to lay down some rules.

She is a Christian but not as fervent as I am. So there must be always a constant communication between each other.

I have to respect her because honestly I think her dad would kill me. No joke.

I must realize and this is very important. That the honeymoon feeling will go away. But what holds us up if we get this far would be God. I sought council on this via scripture and she has a almost three yr old daughter. So I want to make her feel like I'm including everybody because I am. Even Baily.

So I know I'm jumping into fast right now. It's almost like I didn't expect this and when it happened I asked God please protect me lol. Because I'm scared. I don't know if the relationship will flourish or what but the butterflies I already having are breaking thru to my anxiety. I just want what God prepared for me to have. And do it His way and not mine.

Thanks to all of you who have given me insight and knowledge. Maybe some of you can give me pointers too.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Congratulations mate

 

[sonicwhite]

Anyone?

 

[Kintsugi]

I think this is a bad idea given your threads of late. You have been overtly struggling with wanting "a woman" in your life. Not THIS woman. A woman. And struggling with struggling with wanting a woman.

Can't you guys just go on a date every now and again and see where it leads instead of jumping into a relationship with both feet? You aren't teenagers (hopefully :eek:--I don't know how old she is).

Also, dating your roommate's daughter sounds like a recipe for catastrophe. Is this the same roommate you've had problems with, because he expects too much from you?

 

[sonicwhite]

Na, we ain't dating but I asked if you wanted to get closer, she said yes. So yes saying that going in both feet is not a good idea. Friends first. No she is 22. Which that makes me nine years older than her and it's tommys daughter. The one I have problems with is Mike and he's gay.

 

[Justmehere]

Your rooming with her dad? And she has a kid? If you two argue or break up, guess who her father will side with? His daughter. And he will feel extra protective because his grandchild is involved too. Not a good situation when you are already struggling with your other roommate.

A breakup or fall out with her may mean you lose any potential of having a peaceful living situation.

I would suggest finding an older person your church or someone in NA or AA to mentor or sponsor you and to spend an extended period of time sober and a long time hust friends with her before you start dating.

Also, before investing time in "getting closer" with her, instead invest in some solid guy friendships and work on maintaining those relationships before trying to dive into a very complicated "friendship" with someone you like romantically.

 

[sonicwhite]

Yes I think the whole closer thing gave me anxiety. I know in my heart I can be a good person. I know I can end a fight with I'm sorry. I feel like right now it's just to let her know I'm interested. It's not like jump in and sleep with me in the next room with your dad, he would kill me. It's more like let me find council thru pastors and alway let her know she is on my mind. But ya you guys are right. Maybe this is going way too fast.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Heavily agreeing with @Simply Simon

This seems like a recipe for chaos. There is a good reason why workplace dating is often forbidden and similar. It can make for a lot of drama.

Same would go for your-roommates-daughter dating

 

[Justmehere]

I don't even see it has being a good person or not.

It's more about if this is a good time and situation for both of you.

Unless you have intent to date her, I wouldn't keep telling her you are interested. I think most people would find that confusing.

I would also look at the deeper reasons why you want this relationship and other ways to get those needs met that involve less risk of chaos.

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry because I can relate to getting into things too fast, or too obsessively, for the hope it will help pull me out of the rut of PTSD.

Thinking about religion going into it. I see that as a kind of magical thinking that I also do and have seen others with trauma do.

Let me try to explain:

So often when people are in pain, we want a quick fix. We're willing to use another person like a drug as a distraction.

This is not just the kind of pain of PTSD, but anything in life we don't have a firm handle on yet.

Having a solid, trusting relationship is very healing for PTSD, but it must start with a friendship and common goals in life, and awareness like you have, that it may not continue if there is any deal-breakers encountered, as is so often the case.

Going into it with eyes open and being in therapy with a trauma therapist means it could work, but I don't think it can work if you are going into it for what you can get out of it, a woman only.

I suggest that early in the relationship of anyone, like a couple of dates or weeks in, to ask to openly discuss with they and you want out of the future and of the relationship. Real honesty and listening. And if they don't match, be willing to walk away and just be friends.

 

[user27357]

A bit of advice for a man in your situation:

Promise yourself that no matter what happens between father and daughter, as long as you want to be a part of their lives you CANNOT be involved in any dispute, miscommunication, argument, broken promise, ANYTHING negative between them.

As a father of daughters, I can tell you that no matter what happens between us after it is all over they will always be my daughters . If one of my daughters friends or spouses was to take sides and tell me about how wrong they were to have done whatever or said whatever or anything negative about them in an attempt to take my side in the matter, it would backfire 100% guaranteed because a week later they would still be my beloved daughters and the guy would be just the jerk that said those negative things about them.

Say it now, " I will not get involved in any way forever and ever"

You say you are the fathers roommate, if you have already heard and agreed with anything negative he may have said about the girl you have to try to get it out of the way now. You may already be the jerk that said those mean things about his daughter and not realise it. If it ever happened, no matter what it was, believe me you are.

 

[blackemerald1]

The issue here is that you are already close because you reside with her, her child & father.
So, I take it if her father was not there intimacy would be there as a issue?
Don't go there. No leap of faith needed. Just 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. This includes all of your actions to everyone. Including this roommate's father.
Also, 'don't sh#t in your own nest' comes to mind.