Sexual Assault Hating Myself

[smyh]

I had been raped by a man who was supposed to be my friend in my dorm in 2008. It was a very complicated thing and was an international issue. I made a report and went through the court process from 2009 to 2013. In the end he got two years probation. I still haven't healed from all that.
This January I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts after I saw a man that looked like my rapist. During my stay I befriended a man who was a strong support. When we got out, I was willing to help him and he help me. But I guess he became obsessed with me. He would touch me against my will, force me to have sex with him, stalk me, choke and smother me. He stole over $1000 from me. He tried very hard to make me paranoid of my husband so I would go with him. Then one day he kept harassing me to see him. I finally gave in and had him come to my house. He tried to force my pants off. It was like my first rape and I lost it. I got him out. The next day I got a call at work from an officer saying our tenant called the police for a suspicious man parked in the alley driveway. He claimed to be waiting for me. He was arrested for a couple warrants. I got a restraining order after he called me six times in two days from the jail.
I am angry I let this happen to me again. Granted I nearly broke his wrist and injured his shoulder, it happened again. I feel disgusting

 

[Leigh925]

That is really intense. I can't imagine how scary and stressful the whole thing is. I wish inhale some great advice or a magic wand that would take it all away for all of us.....but obviously I don't.

I'm wondering if you can separate yourself a little bit and hate what happens to you....instead of directing it at yourself.

I understanding hating yourself. I felt responsible after my rape. When my daughter turned the age I was I could finally see how innocent and naive I was and that if the same situation happened to her....I would have compassion for her...not hate.

Another way to look at it is....worst case scenario. Let's say you made some decisions during a stressful time that weren't so great....not a single one of those meant it was ok to be raped. It is never ok and even in your worst moments there is nothing you did to deserve that!

Hugs if you accept them! :hug:

 

[smyh]

I always told myself I would never let it happen to me again. So I feel like I let myself down. I know that whenever he gets out of jail, he will be tracking me down

 

[joeylittle]

I know that whenever he gets out of jail, he will be tracking me down

Do you know what your options are, as far as the law is concerned, for handling this? It's really terrible that it's something likely to come your way, but you have a window of time to get prepared for it.

Also - are you currently in therapy?

 

[FauxLiz]

I understand wanting to blame yourself. The first time I was raped by a man I knew I swore I would never be in that position again, I would never make those mistakes again but you found yourself in a very vulnerable place, you allowed yourself to trust again and this man used it against you. This is not your fault. I know that it is very hard to hear that, to believe that, to deal with that. But you can be strong, you can survive this.