Does anyone else feel like a fraud sometimes?

[rascal]

It's hard to explain, but I'll try:

Whenever I try to share my story with others, or at least the pieces of it that I remember, or whenever I have an extreme emotional reaction or dissociate in therapy (this happens a lot), I settle down and I start feeling like a fraud and a liar. Like the things I experienced aren't true, or that I made them up - even though I know this isn't so.

It's like I become a completely different person. I don't know if it's denial or a coping mechanism, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm a fraud sometimes. Especially when I'm feeling good or things are going right for me, it's like I've invented all the trauma in my life up to this point and I don't deserve these good things because I'm a liar.

Hopefully that makes sense. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

 

[Mallaky]

Oh yes. All the f*cking time. I have this cycle figured out. (Still in the process of figuring out how to break out of it)

-Everything is fine. But everything connected to PTSD makes me feel like a lier, a fraud, a malingerer. Everything else is okay though.
-Something bad happens, everything goes to shit. I still feel like a fraud, just now everything is horrible. PTSD symptoms are rampant.
-I accecpt that I am no fraud, that I have real issues and the only way out of the pit is dealing with the issues at hand. Meaning: PTSD.
- After gracefully accepting PTSD and my reality I manage to get better.
- Everything is fine. I deal well with PTSD. But, because I feel better I will forget everything I have just learned, because, hey, I feel better.
- Repeat.

 

[rascal]

LOL holy smokes @Mallaky. I'm not laughing at your process, I'm laughing because it's exactly how I work!

I definitely try to hang on to the feel good moments and squeeze 'em for what their worth. It's like when I feel good, I never had PTSD to begin with. BAM! immediate amnesia

 

[ladee]

For many years at the beginning of my healing, I would have times like that, thinking, surely I am exaggerating this stuff to get attention. But finding the right people to share with helps.. having people who understand and validate us is very important. So, happy you are here, to find out you are not a liar, and trying to find a safe place to heal.

 

[mary1979]

Them feels.

Sometimes it feels as though I'm speaking in the third person.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, more like, 'trauma, what trauma?' But I don't talk about things & I definitely don't over-emote publically.

 

[Neverthesame]

I feel like this at times as well.

When I think about what I have, that other's here don't. Or what some here have been through that I haven't.

• I work.
• I don't live in debt.
• I don't live in fear that an abuser will find me.
• I have family that actually love and care for me.
• I have never been shot at, blown up, raped, beaten or tortured. I have only seen these things happen to people.

I know there are alot of people here who don't have it as easy as I do. I worry that I am making a mountain of a mole hill.

I know that I'm not. But it is a thought that goes through my head sometimes. I am also pretty sure I'm not the only one.

The fact that I started writing this before anyone else had replied, I definitely know I'm not the only one.

 

[cat-lady]

I used to feel like that a lot but since doing group therapy I have never felt like that since. I guess it made it more real to be among people who I shared such similar experiences with.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Especially when I'm feeling good or things are going right for me, it's like I've invented all the trauma in my life up to this point and I don't deserve these good things because I'm a liar.

Or could it just be "I dont deserve these good things" in general?

Im called a "crazy liar" a lot. My therapist asked me once if i doubted my past. I said no. I do sometimes, mostly the early years but so many crisp memories, so many things dont add up if i were lying that those doubts are so or sqooshed away.

ETA: I erased the last part cause i got it confused with another thread i responded to before yours. Sorry @rascal but i do "get it" either way! :hug:

 

[rascal]

YES @mary1979! I feel like I'm talking about someone else's life and it feels false or like I made it up or I'm missing just this one important component and ARRRRGGGH it's that I'm a fraud and everyone knows that I'm a fraud.

That exposure feeling is the worst.

 

[rascal]

Gotta say though, you guys are the best! I was getting into a hole with this and almost deleted this thread and your replies really make me feel like I'm not out of my mind. I really appreciate the support everybody! :inlove:

And yes, @lostforgottensoul, it's exactly that feeling that I don't deserve good things. I often talk myself out of gifts and help from others.

 

[Ronin]

I tend to ask myself what would change, both for me and for others, with it.
Would being 'a fraud', whatever that is, make my choices about how I treat myself and others different?
Would it make me care more / less about people in my life I either care for or DGAF for?

Usually the answer to all of the above is 'nope'. So derealization & truth & sharing crises of identity gotta suck it :D