Re-eanactment

[Mit]

During a discussion on another thread somebody helpfully suggested I research re-enactment in order to try and better understand my own compulsive re-enactment behaviours.

I call my behaviours 'acting out', but having read a bit about re-enactment, this seems to accurately describe what I do.

When I act out I subject myself to fantasies of humiliating sexual abuse and dominance, by authority figures, which I simultaneously find shaming and sexually arousing. A key element of my acting out is that psychologically I return to being a child, which was when the source traumas were experienced.

Throughout my childhood I had numerous (approx. 30) surgeries on my genitals to correct a congenital deformity. There are strong similarities between my acting out and some of the medical experiences / situations I was subjected to over the 13 years it took to correct the genital defect.

I've found two papers / articles on re-enactment. Whilst I have found them both enlightening, I am still struggling with a full understanding about re-enactment, with questions such as why, what is trying to be achieved, how does it help (if at all..).

I wondered if anybody had any further insight or understanding, or is better able than I to cut through the psychological jargon. I'm not well read when it comes to papers on psychology and freely admit I struggle to grasp some of the concepts. In layman's terms is what I am seeking. I would ask a therapist but I don't have access to therapy anymore.

If anybody gets this stuff and thinks they are able to explain it to a simpleton like me I'd be glad to hear it. The two articles I found are:

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/#n52

http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Traum...line+personality+disorder+when...-a0144666295

Thanks - Mit

 

[ladee]

Very proud of you @Mit for researching this... Someone will come on and help you understand. I think I get it, but do not want to misinform you, so will wait to see what others say. Very interesting articles too... You did good.. and I hope you get some answers to help you understand... sending 'gentle' hugs if you accept. Takes courage to do what you are doing !!!

 

[shimmerz]

My personal belief about reenactment of any type is that trauma energy is stuck in the nervous system and needs releasing. The act of reenactment is about coming to a different, non traumatic conclusion during the replaying of the event. The unfortunate part of that is that it is a multifaceted issue... body, mind, spirit, heart that may require leadership or guidance.

Do you happen to have a kink aware therapist in your area? A good one will be able to lead you through the process of coming to a healthier outcome (in the now) based on your traumatic past.

 

[Mit]

Very proud of you @Mit for researching this...

That's very insightful of you. Thank you. It has been a scary subject to research and open up about. Certainly had sweaty palms posting about it.

Do you happen to have a kink aware therapist in your area?

No, not locally. I did pay to see a therapist who specialised in sexual issues, but I couldn't afford to keep seeing her and it was a 5 hour round trip. Other therapists have openly said it was out of their area of expertise. I've been stuck in this cycle of psychosexual self harm since I was a teenager, when it started. I know it doesn't help, but it's an habitualised behaviour now, and an unhelpful coping strategy at times of stress and anxiety. There must be ways to break it down, but I don't know what they are. I really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

 

[ladee]

It took tremendous courage for you to post and I applaud that. I am sorry if it seems we are unable to help you. Of course it is still early and hopefully others will see this and reply.
It makes it hard if you don't have access to a Therapist that can help, and the others say they can't help you.. But please don't give up... There has to be a way to get you some help. I am feeling very frustrated for you.
Hang on... a lot of great minds here... you are not lost... sending energy for you to continue your search.

 

[Sideways]

I engage in similar sounding behaviours from time to time. And yeah, it's a coping strategy (of the "really unhelpful" kind). And it's a bit like treating a hangover with more vodka.

For me, I know that one of the main reasons I do it, is because it makes the world make sense again. This is what I was taught when I was abused - who I am, how I should behave, and how I should be treated. So when I do this stuff, it reinforces all of that, the world goes back to being the world that I was taught about, and I go back to being the person I was taught I am. And it's like, "Phew, this is what I know, this is familiar, this makes sense to me."

Not helpful, obviously, because it's reinforcing exactly the beliefs that we're trying to undo in therapy.

 

[KeepingTime]

This actually is where I am in therapy too. I finally worked up the nerve to bring it up. I do the same thing and it causes a lot of shame and dissociation and leads me to self harm. I don't really have a real understanding of it yet as it just came up last week after I dissociciated for a 24 hr period and actually purchased some provocative clothing and bondage "toys". And have no memory of doing that or what happened.
This type of behavior is so out of character for me. But it's the only way I can "perform" if that makes sense. It shames me that this should be my biggest fear given my past abuse and not what excites me.
T has just said so far that he thinks that it has to do with me "pleasing" my H like I had to please my dad. He's reserving his thoughts until after we work through this current memory.
A trusted friend explained to me that when abused at young ages, your sexuality is awakened before it's ready and your experience at that point is how your body associates sex and pleasure.
Idk if that helps at all but know that you're not alone. :)

 

[Mit]

This type of behavior is so out of character for me. But it's the only way I can "perform" if that makes sense.

Yes it does. I hope your therapist can help you with this, and well done for finding the courage to talk about it, to your therapist, and here. You've been very brave.

For me, I know that one of the main reasons I do it, is because it makes the world make sense again

I get that too. I think for me it provides familiar emotions, and feelings that I had when I was a teenager which were both frightening and comforting. I was comforted to read in the papers I linked to that re-eanctment is quite common, particularly for victims of sexual abuse. One of the papers also mentioned the theory that sufferers can become addicted to their trauma, I suspect this is true for me.

It took tremendous courage for you to post and I applaud that. I am sorry if it seems we are unable to help you.

Thank you. It been comforting to know other people understand and don't judge or react negatively to what is a challenging and difficult behaviour. My issues seem quite peculiar, so it would be unfair to expect lots of input here. It is very hard to work through without the help of a therapist with relevant expertise, but I just have to keep trying.

Thanks to all for the help and thoughts.

Mit

 

[ladee]

Just don't forget that we are here for you... anytime... do not try to do this alone.

 

[Shiver]

And here I was, thinking that I was alone in all this... :hug: