Does anyone else feel like a fraud sometimes?

[Exedra]

TheKunBaBa,
I am sorry that you are so sad about your friend leaving for his hometown. But there is a bright side to this modern world, you have the internet as a tool to communicate with them and stay connected. While I know it is not the same as being in the same room, you can still communicate. Maybe in the future you could plan a visit to see his hometown, or maybe you both meet in the middle of that 2100km and go somewhere you both have never been to. It will allow you to leave behind some of the troubles, worries and stressors. I myself am planning a trip next week to Parkersburg W. Va. for a few days to explore the surrounding area and leave behind some of my worries.

Sorry everyone for being off subject.
And the sleepy shrink took me off of the Gabapentin!

 

[sun seeker]

I worry that I am making a mountain of a mole hill

From the sound of it, I'd hate to see the size of mole that would live in that mole hill!

But yes... I relate. Seems like either I'm telling myself I don't fit in normal society because I am too traumatized and damaged, or I am a fraud and making the whole thing up. Less all the time of the latter though, the evidence is too heavy on the side of it being real.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Basically the "Self doubt" is instilled in victims, especially of child abuse and in particular sexual abuse because of the secrecy involved on the part of the abuser:- " Don't tell anyone, it will be our little secret", "If you ever tell anyone, I will hurt you bad!"

As children, especially frightened children, we are like sponges and accept what the "Bigger people" tell us implicitly, especially in the case of abuse. We hide our emotions because we are fearful of repercussions from our abusers, this learnt coping mechanism, "If I do as I am told and never speak about what happened, maybe it won't happen again" This is particularly evident in very young child abuse victims. It follows on that as we grow and these abuses become a part of our past that because we became so good at denying that anything ever happened to us at the time of the trauma, we therefore believe our own lies to ourselves even now, hence the questioning of ourselves as to whether anything actually ever did happen to us.

If that makes sense :)

Laurie

 

[Blackjack]

I feel like a total fraud very often when I read some of the heart wrenching stories on here of what people have gone through.

I feel as if my trauma was so small and insignificant compared to most people. It was a 'one off' event, it did not go on for ages with repeated occurances or anything but it was a life changing event to me. Something I will never forget. My family are of the 'pull yourself together' opinion and they just make me feel like I have somehow made a mountain out of a molehill. I know what I am thinking, dreaming and feeling but somehow I feel like I should not be - if that makes any kind of sense at all.

 

[rascal]

As children, especially frightened children, we are like sponges and accept what the "Bigger people" tell us implicitly, especially in the case of abuse. We hide our emotions because we are fearful of repercussions from our abusers, this learnt coping mechanism, "If I do as I am told and never speak about what happened, maybe it won't happen again"

A lot of this makes sense to me personally. I have a hard time piecing together the facts of my past. I've repressed so much over such a long period of time, I have huge gaps in memory. I also have a pretty active imagination, so that doesn't help either.

The part that really speaks to me is hiding emotions out of fear. Really strikes a chord and my patterns of avoidance and outright self-delusion mirror those of child abuse survivors. In fact, any time I read about survivors of childhood sexual abuse I feel like I'm reading my life story, I just can't piece together a personal narrative of events that is cohesive or satisfying to myself.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@rascal
I experience this a lot. Especially when trying to explain my dissociattive parts. I don't know how or why I know some of the things I do. Only that I know it to be so. Example: my current T started talking about integration and right away I felt a great resistance. That made me question if I felt that resistance because I didn't want my "fantasy" world dismantled.
The answer came to me the resistance is because my T is putting the cart before the horse. First there has to be trust built, communication and understanding why these parts are needed to help me function and the importance of protecting the children who hold the earliest and I imagine worst traumas.
I battle with this often because I just want to be normal and act appropriately and consistently to any given situation. It's a big energy drain not knowing who you are.
I think for myself, questioning the validity of what I "know" about my parts is just another form of denial.

 

[Candleflames]

I feel like a fraud in two opposing ways

Sometimes I think that what I have been through is a figment of my imagination and I really have no reason to have ptsd. That maybe this is some delusion or elaborate lie I am telling myself.

Or I feel like I'm faking my way through a beautiful life I don't deserve because in reality I'm such shit that the trauma I've already experienced isn't enough. That I should be living in more trauma.

 

[rascal]

I talked to my therapist today about this feeling and she informed me that one of the common traits among all of her PTSD patients is feeling like a fraud. It's a way for the ego to feel safe and take responsibility, as if I had a choice in what happened to me. If I take responsibility, then I have full control, though the reality is that I was child.

I have to say, it was nice to hear and I feel a lot better about it - for the moment, at least. Wanted to pass it along in case it helped anyone else.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Wanted to pass it along in case it helped anyone else

This really clicked for me. Not only in regards to feeling like a fraud but in so many ways I take the blame or reason that if I hadn't made many of the choices I did, I wouldn't have had so many negative outcomes.
Of course I had no choices as a child and there are little ones deep down who just believe they are bad.
The need for control of our lives can take us to places in Wonderland where no one should go.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I understand it. My symptoms feel like an exaggeration sometimes, like what really happened wasn't bad enough to cause all the symptoms.

I sometimes feel like PTSD isn't what's wrong with me, since each event that caused my PTSD was brought on by myself. It may not seem like it to others when I tell them what happened, they think it's not my fault, but I know deeply within myself that each time, if it wasn't for my choices, none of them would have happened.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Mafia_Science saig " I know deeply within myself that each time, if it wasn't for my choices, none of them would have happened."

Do you know that for a fact or do you choose to believe it for that feeling of control?

 

[Mafia_Science]

@Alice.in.Wonderland honestly, I can't tell.