Is this paranoia? or is this being flooded with ptsd symptoms? or both?

[Justmehere]

I had a cluster of triggers build up last week. I knew I was getting off track and being really anxiously neurotic, and I kept trying to slow down and ground. My therapist said the anxiety was a good sign. I'm now feeling the feelings I was numbing out. It makes sense.

However, in the past 48 hours, I've completely melted down. I'm having panic attack after panic attack to the point of throwing up. I freaked out after an upsetting phone call. I started to throw up and I was shaking. I sat down in an empty parking lot and sobbed. I felt so embarrassed. A random stranger came up and offered tea from a local coffee shop, and sat there until I could convince him I was ok.

I canceled all commitments today, and I'm home, pacing. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't remember ever feeling this anxious except for when actual trauma was happening, and even then, I went numb...

I feel anxiety that would fit a life and death situation. I'm writing out reassuring things over and over. I'm writing things like "something in my present is reminding me of the past, but I am reasonably safe now." It's not making a damn bit of difference. I'm using every tool I've got, and yet my mind races....

When I ask myself, is anything life threatening happening? My initial thought is "no, nothing in this moment is an imminent threat to my life." Then I think, "But..." and I start thinking of a couple of ways my current life could lead to my life being in danger. Things like, "But my father could show up and hurt me." (he's 1000 miles away and not likely to come near me and I have a plan if he ever does.) It's a real but very remote threat - and it doesn't deserve this level of fear.

I see my therapist first thing in the morning. I'm terrified to go. I have no idea why, other than the fact that I'm anxious about everything. I will go, because I also feel anxious about not going. I can not explain any logical or illogical reason why.

Am I being paranoid? I can't explain what I'm scared of, other than I feel like I'm going to die. I know feelings are not facts, and this is why I wonder if I am somehow being paranoid...

 

[Anarchy]

Sending you calming hugs
@

 

[Mallaky]

I don't know if this helps, but I absolutely get what you are talking about. You did a great job putting in into words. I have those days myself. For me its always a sign that I have too much accute stress going on. Sucks when you can't really do anything about it.

While I cannot tell you exaclty what is going on, I can answer your opening question: Paranoia it is not. Paranoia is a calmer thing, a more rational illusion if you will. When you have paranoia you are convinced that you are right, while you always were in controll of your mind and your emotions where out of controll.

Panic attack sounds about right. I tend to use the word "anxiety attack" for this. Fight or flight system going haywire is what it is.

You did really great at handling this it seems. Also, I am sure your therapist can tell you a lot about it. Your decision to go is absolutely the right one. And a strong one! You got this.

 

[Leigh925]

Sounds like you are definitely stuck in s flooded cycle or a body memory flashback kind of thing. When that happens to me I often feel like nothing is working and freaking out about the anxiety makes the anxiety even worse and then I get stuck.

I don't know if it is as important to figure it out as to know that for tonight you are not in danger. You will see your therapist tomorrow and you both can figure it out together.

I'm so sorry you are going through that. I wish I had great words of wisdom but I don't. I do get stuck in that cycle myself and it seems like every tool I have ever learned either doesn't work or escapes my brain when I need them most.

I have obviously survived all of them that I thought I wouldn't make it through or couldn't see an end to. Wish I could remember that when I'm in it!

Hugs if you accept them and I hope time will pass quickly for you until your appointment.

 

[Powder]

You may need to keep reassuring yourself and do something repetitive and calming.

I find stroking a cat or dog, or a brushing the hair of a toy or doll, taking a walk, or putting on a youtube video of puppies calms my inner child down.

 

[shimmerz]

This happens to me as well. I think that it is about healing (stupid as that sounds). I often say to myself that if this feeling bullcrap is healing, I should have thought it through more. What I find helpful is when I can find a word for it.
'Oh right, this is me feeling like something horrible is happening'
Oh, right, this is me feeling like I need to run away
Oh right, this is me feeling like nobody wants me
Oh right, this is me feeling like I am not cared about

And than I breathe.... 5 breathes in, 5 breathes out, 5 hold my breath and in the 5 hold my breath I scan my body. Jaw is clamped shut. Breathe 5/5/5 again and this time on the hold breath part I release the jaw - rinse and repeat.

Not sure if this helps you at all Just, and please know that my warmest thoughts are with you. It is terrifying, I know.

 

[Justmehere]

I can't express how helpful your responses are right now - thank you so much for the thoughtful reassurances and suggestions. Giving them a try now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes not sure but I live with this dreadful feeling with that intensity almost non-stop.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Powder]

You can use smell. Strong scents that cut through the triggers, like Vicks, lemon/citrus, or other strong, positive smells, even eau de toillette, spraying it on, tricks the brain out of the cycle.

Hot/cold. Drink ice water, alternate with hot herb tea, peppermint.

Rock and give yourself a hug helps sometimes when nothing else will.

Try treating yourself like a distressed child until something clicks.

The more I realize that I'm safe now and realize that this feeling was very real in the past and validate that something reminded me of it, the more I can process out the trigger.

I suggest that you take back power over the triggering phone call by blocking that number and silencing the phone to turn the adult you back into play.

If you need help with that, let me know or have a friend do it with you for support.

 

[Justmehere]

@Mallaky - what you wrote reminded me of something a doctor said once about how delusional people believe the delusions. I am feeling more fear than needed, but I don't believe it. Mostly. So that's a good sign.

@Leigh925 - I was very much getting anxious about the anxiety. What a vicious cycle. I wish no one ever went through this but it helps to know I'm not alone.

@shimmerz - being able to label it does help! It's like oh there's that intense survival panic again. The 5 second breathing is helping when the cold sweat comes.

Feeling all these feeling is so hard. Healing hurts sometimes.

@Muse - what you wrote clicked for me. I have been rocking almost absent mindedly - but I was noticing it. I started to imagine what the adult me would do for a kid who felt this. It helped just to imagine what the safe adult me would do. It pulled me into my adult self a bit. My body began to relax a little. I took a hot shower and I'm curled up in a warm blanket drinking tea, and holding ice - somehow doing both is making my body stay more connected and calmer.

I found an app to block numbers. It was so easy. Only the few numbers I choose can get through. Email addresses are blocked too.

The adult me is claiming my boundaries.

I am actually sitting still. My poor dog seemed anxious for me earlier and she is curled up at my side snoring. My mind is still racing but my heart is slowing. My body is slowing. My thoughts are starting to get slower too.

The adult me is coming back.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hugs @Justmehere , to the child-you & the adult-you. :hug:

 

[Leigh925]

The adult me is claiming my boundaries.

I am actually sitting still. My poor dog seemed anxious for me earlier and she is curled up at my side snoring. My mind is still racing but my heart is slowing. My body is slowing. My thoughts are starting to get slower too.

The adult me is coming back.

Wow. Way to redirect!!!! Impressive. So glad you are able to do that for yourself. I think that is something to really be proud of.