Shame

[Bloomy]

It goes a very popular youth serial now on norwegian televison. Called shame. I really liked it too. Until last episode.

.....

What happens have become a big discussion in Noway at the moment. Wether she was to be blamed her self or not.

.....

This is hard for me. This is what I never talk about. What I bury so deep. I can talk about family and sexual abuse, violence and all that happend within the family.

But this. I thought Id not make a thread. Until I read one comment on it today. A guy who wrote "but if she got drunk and he got drunk then who is to be blamed? They mutually raped eachother then"

Last epsiode. And I thought I can not watch to see what happens on the episode that will be sent today.
I know what will happen allready.

I hate this. I hate it. hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I want to forget.

Why they made this popular serial and this incident.

Well. She is pretty much like I were at that age. A prudent political correct nerd (Exept my home situation was loads worse then hers). Then this guy lure her to drink takin advantage of her vunerable state. I got lured to drink to. I didnt know what it was. They were three. Not one.

Next thing I know I wake up dead drunk. I cant write details. But I remember as clear as yesterday I woke up. And I asked why do you do this to me. I couldnt move. Still almost in a coma from being put in so much alkohol. In a way Im glad for that. Im glad I cant remember more. Then I fainted again.

Shame.

Pregnant.

Hospital.

Alone.

Over night.

In a big hospital room.

So scared.

Shame.

I am what they always told me I was.

Here I am.

And I deserved being left alone.

After being who I am.

I cant remember the surgery.

I cant remember the days after.

Exept that now finally they all knew who I really where.

Shameful.

The person they always thought I was.

And its from there on my life really started to go downhills.

Im still shamefull.

 

[Anarchy]

Bloomy,
sending you hugs
Those feelings can be so hard to challenge while we're having them
but be assured, the ones who should be shameful are the guys who got you drunk and abused you.
not you

:hug:@

 

[Bloomy]

What about the hospital? No questions asked from anybody there? How did I come in this situation? No It was all guilt tripping. They guilt and shamed me for being such a .... . What about the school? No questions asked? Cause I were that. Im also angry with them. For shaming me.

 

[mary1979]

I think your story is exceptionally different to a 'they both got drunk so no one is accountable' version, and you have no need to ever compare the two, I'm sorry that you feel you do.

I also know that I posted on that thread looking at the greys and not so much the black and whites, so want to apologise for my comment seeming offensive.
Foot in mouth, as a victim myself I should damned well know better.

I just want to point out the obvious difference here, in the hope it helps.
Set me on ignore if it makes it worse, I dont deserve a third chance.

There is a VERY stark difference between someone DELIBERATELY getting someone with no alcohol tolerance so drunk they literally pass\black out (actually sounds like you could have easily had a drug slipped in your drink also to be so far gone. My abuser got me ROLLING drunk at age 11, and I still remember every detail, worse luck.) and someone who goes out drinking themselves blotto intentionally.

The person in other thread I believe also said that initially they went along thinking it was a good idea, and knowing what would happen.
Still a sticky one, but the guy could be forgiven in thinking they shared the same idea. Unlike yours who knew damned well what was going on!

She may have said stop,mid sex, but seemingly in a way that was perceived as 'ouch, need to stop and try different' (at least this is how I read it)
You were given no opportunity to speak at all, you were out cold.
And there isn't a man on the planet who wouldn't have noticed you were unconscious

Lastly, based on the information provided she seems to recall all events clearly and precisely, unlike yourself, who has only one small but horrific memory of the trauma.

Now thats not to say that the poor other poster is less deserving or traumatised, she was very clearly distressed, and in all honesty I squirmed in my seat uncomfortably with regret when she came back later and said she no longer felt raped, she learned a lesson and wouldn't do it again.
Made me stop in my tracks. Felt like id been a part in this and re-victimized her all over again.

Whether the guy in question felt he had done something wrong was irrelevant to us here. What she FELT had ALL the relevance.

I couldn't help thinking later that though she asked directly for honest opinions, what she probably really wanted was just for someone to say 'that was messed up, I'm sorry you have to feel like this now, he's a jerk and just should have stopped when you said'

The stupid ways humans think, mostly thanks to the law and its straight lines.

I'm sorry you felt diminished @Bloomy. That was a cold thing to do x

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A guy who wrote "but if she got drunk and he got drunk then who is to be blamed? They mutually raped eachother then"

Thats a f*cked up thing to say! No means no!

I watch a ton of tv shows that mirror my past and i dont exactly know why. There 3 in paticular "Surviving Evil" (mosting about surviving being kidnapped); "House Of Horrors: Kidnapped"; and "Escaping Evil: My Life In A Cult" and then any documentries of cults.

Shame is a big thing. If someone says you have nothing to be ashamed of, you feel they are lying. I think the more you put the blame where it belongs (on the abuser(s)) and the rage where in belongs (on the abuser(s)) and stop juding yourself and any action or non-action and use the rational side of your mind to get yourself to understand and fully believe that there was nothing you could do and your abuser(s) were in the wrong, not you therefore theres nothing to be ashamed of.

But I am still riddled with so much shame but I think thats how im slowly taking the blanket of shame off of me. Slowly, oh so slowly.

 

[Bloomy]

@mary1979 I really dont get what is up with the other thread or what you write about? Im I having a black whole in my mind again? Something I forgot?

I never said yes to anything. I was a virgin. I had never been drinking before. Didnt know anything about guys. They planned to do this to someone. If I wrote details you would understand.

Its also painful that the people in hospital treated me like a slut. And then my mom. And then the school. Gotten my self pregnant in the age of 15.

They were ordinary middle class boys from so called good homes. It hurts to. If good boys do this. Who can one trust. If grown up treat young girls like they did with me. Its a cold unbearable world to live in.

I needed love. I needed care. Protection. Understanding. I needed a courtcase. Some one to stand up for me. Help me to know that this is not how the world should be.

Instead I carry alone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Instead I carry alone.

No you arent! You have us! :hug:

 

[Bloomy]

@lostforgottensoul - I think the only thing that will help me is the scream I have inside. I need to go to a mountain and scream out all the pain and the rage. Im so angry with them all I cant think of it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Bloomy scream it out hun! Sometimes we need to! Ive taken a baseball bat to my house more than once. Just scream your heart out, scream the pain out. I think after the scream you will find tears. The tears you need.

 

[Bloomy]

@lostforgottensoul its not only the abuser Im mad at. Im so f*ckin friggin mad at the hospital people. The school. Im so so mad at them. They knew and put the blame on me for being a slut that I never where, Ive read the school papers. I was alone in the hospital. Why no one asked me what happend? Why no one talked to me as the little girl I was? Why was I left all alone to deal with this? And on top of it all get the blame from all the sick grown ups.

But thank you Lost - I know. I feel it. I wouldnt be here today without you guys on this site. I think I can make it through thanks to your support.

 

[mary1979]

@mary1979 I really dont get what is up with the other thread or what you write abou...

Oh I misread!
Your comment about 'both parties' being drunk actually appeared in a thread yesterday and I thought it was that along with your tv series that triggered this shame for you again

I must have been projecting my own guilt onto you with that assumption, I thought you (Very RIGHTLY) were speaking about it in terms of the lack of validation posts like that gave

I read wrong and over reacted from my own shame. Sorry again.

 

[Bloomy]

@mary1979 no worries. You wrote that it was shitty what I surived so you kinda gave me validation. Easy to misread. I know all about it.