What Else Can Happen??

[lostforgottensoul]

Then they do die and things were not made right and all the anger starts to change into a deep heavy sadness, like it never had to happen, like you could feel like everyone else at the funeral and just feel sadness, not all the huge flood that starts to crash in!

My therapist talked a lot about the orginal anger. Its not anger at all, its pain. My emotions love to hide themselves as anger. Its the 'go to' emotion for me. But this is extreme intense pain, something ive never allowed myself to feel...and dont think i can handle.

what he NEEDED to do

Thats sort of my delimma i guess. Was it ever going to help me to see her? And the answer is, if she continues to deny the truth, likely not. I guess i held onto hope that in a few years, id be healed enough to see her regardless of her denying everything.

But, I think, you going to the hospital is more for them than for you.

I think so too. I think im in that mourning stage (or something) now as im just realizing that that hope that one day she would be the mom i needed will never happen.

You are not obligated to attend just because of your biological relationship to her.

True. I dont know if im going to her funeral but its all about celebrating the person's life and remembering them. I dont want to remember her as she wasnt a good person and the family wouldnt ever admit she wasnt a good person. My memories of her arent something i want to take to a funeral and stare at. And hearing good things about her will make me want to puke.

Id love to be a 'funeral crasher' and when they say "she was such a good person", if love to scream out "no she wasnt, she was an insane cult leader"....not something i would do, just something id love to do.

 

[Sideways]

Funerals are more for the living than the dead. Probly attending just so that you can try and out her is just going to make you look insane and be painful for the people who are mourning her loss (even if she was a monster).

But attending the funeral so that you can witness her going into the ground, even if you just hover up the back for a while - you may (or may not) get something out of that. Funerals have a helpful way of bringing some closure for a lot of people. When you attend a funeral, your brain gets a chance to register "She really is dead, gone, and not coming back".

It may just be an exercise in futility depending on how you think your family would react to you being there. But on the other hand, part of you may be able to breathe a sigh of relief - "Hi, ho, the witch is dead..." sort if thing, you know?

 

[Heather]

@lostforgottensoul I don't think it's dumb... Who wouldn't want that? Everyone deserves to have good loving parents... Unfortunately that's not always the case. My mom helps me out financially but that's it there's no emotional support and it hurts.

It reminds me when my sister was pregnant and didn't think she'd be a good mom I told her do the exact OPPOSITE of what mom did and you'll be fine. She laughed. I wasn't kidding.

 

[sun seeker]

it's the possibility of what she could be that you're gonna miss. Rather than what she was/is.

It has helped me a lot to get clear on this point. It's not missing something that was, but something that should have been.

And I agree, no you are not dumb. Who wouldn't want a loving, nurturing mother? (And I wrote that before reading @Heather's post above.)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Probly attending just so that you can try and out her is just going to make you look insane and be painful for the people who are mourning her loss (even if she was a monster).

Oh i would never do that, was just wishful thinking is all.

"She really is dead, gone, and not coming back".

I dont know, maybe. When my step father died, it felt like he was still alive...hoovering over me though i knew he was dead. I didnt go to his memorial. He was cremated i think but my mom bought 2 things (plots?) where they go in a wall (cant remember what those are called) and i guess they are putting his ashes in there when she is put in there and i dont know if she is being cremated too.

Its all a mind f*ck to be honest. I would never be able to hide in the back at her funeral or memorial or whatever it is. Not only does family have this 'special place' up front but its my family. Think of the craziest family you can possibly think up and i can put money on it mine tops it.

I wish i could write a letter and bury it with her...telling her everything i always wanted to and never could. But it would get read and passed around. I would never be able to s sneak that in there unless i ask the funeral people.

I dont know, that sounds so f*cked up. I wouldnt be able to hear how 'wonderful of a mom & wife she was'...all such BS! Im sure my mom asked my brother to sing though she never cared to embrace his music career. Im sure he'll be speaking as me and him are her only two biological kids. All such bullshit! Fake ass bullshit that i will never be able to stomach. I can see myself walking out. But i would never 'funeral crash'.

My mom helps me out financially but that's it there's no emotional support and it hurts.

My dad is exactly like that. He's been there financially (and the other way around) but not one tiny bit of emotionally support.

Who wouldn't want a loving, nurturing mother?

True. Maybe that "missing" is more grieving that i'll never get to have one?

-----
My sister just called to wish my dad a happy father's day (we are both sick as a dog and i lost my voice so had to call into work) and he asked about my mom and she said the hospice nurses dont think shes going to make it too much longer. So she hasnt passed yet but its likely going to be any day.

He had her on speaker phone and it made me feel so bad. Shes asking to see my uncle...one of my dad's brothers and his wife. Its been like 20 yrs, why would she be asking for them? They are in North Fl so they can go see her but i guess its making me feel bad that i dont want to go see my dying mother. Making me feel like a bad person...

 

[Chimera]

@lostforgottensoul

Thinking of you.
It's good that you're discussing this and working this out in your heart and mind..know that you are supposed in all of this.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @Chimera!

 

[Chimera]

Thanks @Chimera!

I know you know I meant supported.
'preciate that.

 

[Ronin]

I think it was rather dumb to have that hope to begin with....

No. Human. Loving. Caring. Normal. What's supposed to be.

Not 'dumb'. Smart. Human & smart & hopeful, despite evidence to the contrary.
That's hella strong of a hope to hold onto.
I wouldn't dare label hope 'dumb'. It's what holds some people alive.
And survival is never dumb. ;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @Cashew.

----
My family is impossible. My sister texted me about needing to sign something giving them permission to cremate her (answers that question) and (according to my sister) they must email it and I must email it back and this is super "time sensitive" (shes not even dead yet, i dont know why but i do know a shitload of people in this world dont have email addresses and its apparently they cant mail it and its impossible to get their number and i have the flu or something and not doing anything today or for a few days...smart people read and comprehend before signing shit) but she said if i dont sign it, the State will pick it up and i will be liable for half the charges. Apparently she doesnt have life insurence (sure suprises me as when i was growing up she didnt take out health insur for me but sure as hell took out life insur on me) but apparently there is some arrangment between my mom and her sister (but one that no one knows about...or will tell me about) but im not just signing anything and sure the f*ck not on my family's word of anything. My brother likely has to do it now because he is flying back up to where he lives now but i dont have to do it now and certianly not before she dies. And ive not heard of that in my life but i can see that as my brother and i are next of kin but im just asking for their phone number; i dont want my family to have my email address (the new one as it had to be changed) and start getting "nasty-grams" again. Like is that so hard?

So my dad started screaming at me that im being impossible. Me? Im the impossible one that doesnt want those people to know my email address that i use now that had to be changed BECAUSE of their "nasty-grams"? And he says "so what, change it again". I dont want to change it again. Everyone, all of my Drs, have that email address. Is it so f*cking hard to give me their number so i can have the crematorium place explain what it is (people without an agenda) and give them my email address if they cant mail it.

I know cremation and around $1000 and opening the crypt (what one of those 'in the wall' things are called) is another $1000 because my step dad's hasnt been opened yet; she was waiting until she died.

But my sister is like this bitch now that she's been told im not going to go see my mom. What happened to "i wont turn my back on you in a time like this"? f*ck her! And i told my step mom and my dad that they are witnesses, i didnt refuse to sign, i refused to agree to sign something before reading it over, comprehending it and calling whom i needed if i needed. I am just refusing for them to have my email address, the crematorium can have it all day long as long as it isnt on any forums. I just want it explained to me by them is all. Why is that so hard?

My sister has been pissed off at me for refusing to help her pedophile son. I love my nephew but what he did was wrong and illegal and he needs to be where he is, in prison.

 

[Heather]

You're NOT a bad person....if you feel like you can't go then don't. You have to take care/protect you. That's what's important all the rest well it's just b.s. In the end, it's YOU that matters.

Maybe in her own (weird, maybe the word) she's trying to make peace with people before she goes.

I know I've said this like 5 times already but i'll say it again: I really feel for what you are going through. Do what you feel/ go with you gut....trust in that.

hugs my friend.

 

[Heather]

I have been following this and maybe someone suggested this already but can't remember (sorry memories shot lately)...Would it help to write a letter to her about your feelings? Your hurt? Your pain? Put it on paper all of it, lay it out.... You don't have to send it or read it to her or anyone.

I find that doing that, just putting it out there is like a release....maybe even burn it after?

I don't know if this would help or not...just a thought.

Again, hugs my friend.