Relationship Ptsd Or Just A Reason To Be A Jerk?

[WoundedWarriorz]

Recently my boyfriend has become really distant. Doesn't text me back, doesn't wanna talk period. He hasn't seen his son in a year and he has him for a few weeks. He said he as devoting 100% of his time to his son, which I understand and respect, but he doesn't have time for me at all, not even after his son goes to sleep or anything. When I ask why he is distant he is really defensive, explosive and rude. He keeps referring me to 10 things you should know about your vet and websites about PTSD but I just have. A hard time on whether to believe it is actual PTSD or an excuse to be a jerk and avoid me. The reason I doubt it ring PTSD is he says he doesn't wanna talk to anyone yet I see him chat on his phone games and he plays a war game on his phone where he organized and coordinated attacks for his team, he also talks about being with his son and doing fun things in the game but the tells me he wants to be alone. I get that you can't abandon your son and I'm glad he isn't but idk how PTSD works. Can someone give me insight? I can't have a rational conversation either, every time I try he jumps down my throat and tells me I'm being childish or immature. I also noticed h won't admit to any kind of feelings he has for me... I say I love him, he says nothing or says k. I say I miss him or I'm there for him and he says nothing or says thanks. When I ask if h wants to be with me he ignores it and doesn't reply at all. If I ask if he wants space he says yes and when I ask how long he ignores me and doesn't reply. I do not know what to do... I feel like I'm sinking and I don't want to misread this and call off the relationship based on this but I feel abused and alone in this relationship. What do I do?

 

[EveHarrington]

PTSD.

A thousand times, PTSD.

The relationship is stressful to him so that's why he's avoiding it.

The game is fun and not stressful, probably also a distraction, so that's why he engages in it.

I think it would be a good idea to read up on the stress cup. It's posted here on the site.

The spoon analogy is good, too. If all your spoons are gone by 9am, it doesn't matter that you have 15 more free hours in the day. The rest is a no-go. (I say this in relation to why he isn't contacting you after his son goes to bed.). No more energy------the tank is empty.

I understand that you're frustrated but I fear that you are putting undue stress on him.

He is devoting his time to his son, as it should be. He hasn't seen his son in a year! I think you should give him space.

It sounds like he's emotionally numb, too. Very common in PTSD.

Please don't ask him how much time he needs alone. This question has no answer. It's like asking how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. If someone asked me this question, I'd probably tack on punitive time for annoying me with questions I cannot answer.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like a PTSD relationship may not be for you. You have high time demands and can't seem to handle his need for time away from you. The isolation periods are pretty much guaranteed to continue. (Not everyone with PTSD isolates like this, but in those that do, isolation happens repeatedly over time.) Even if he didn't have PTSD I think I'd still advise you to question if this relationship is for you as you can't seem to handle the fact that he needs to devote 100% to his son right now.

It's not good that he's getting angry and snapping at you, but I understand 100% why he's doing that. He's not in a high-patience place right now, he's told you that he needs space, he's told you that he needs to give 100% to his son, but you're still pushing him for more. I think I'd snap, too.

I'd like to add that he is being honest with you about his needs (needs! Not wants, but needs) at this time. He's trying to help you understand PTSD by pointing you to websites. If you cannot abide by his wishes, as that would mean your needs are going unmet, it's perfectly fine to walk away. Not everyone we meet is going to be compatible with us.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is he diagnosed with PTSD?

How long have you been seeing him?

 

[jemkills]

PTSD.

A thousand times, PTSD.

The relationship is stressful to him so that's why he's avoiding...

I just wanted you to know that this great answer is why I joined this community. A bit of what the person asking is dealing with I've seen myself do. Your supportive answer to her is making me realize there could be someone out there for me who doesn't react in negative ways when I NEED my alone time. Granted another time and place for that but thank you for pointing out there are sometimes people who aren't meant for relationships with a person with PTSD.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The reason I doubt it ring PTSD is he says he doesn't wanna talk to anyone yet I see him chat on his phone games and he plays a war game on his phone where he organized and coordinated attacks for his team, he also talks about being with his son and doing fun things in the game but the tells me he wants to be alone.

First, kudos to him for not abandoning his child!

This little snipit tells me everything I need to know to understand and relate. I am a sufferer whom cant stand to he around people, cant speak, cant talk about it by speaking, cant stand to be around the noise of people, questions, conversation. But I can type like on this site, I can text, I can chat, and games on my phone is the BEST distracting technique of thoughts and emotions I dont want to feel.

Im not a vet but war games might be a virtual way of being back there as re-intergrating into civialian sociaty is very hard.

He is likely telling you to research because he knows being sympamatic PTSD is causing it. If he has a therapist, the therapist is likely advising its normal when very sympatmatic with PTSD.

Him having fun with his child is simply him being a good father, throwing PTSD aside for his child and thats awesome but he can only do that for his child. It has nothing to do with you or why he wont for you, he cant for you.

 

[Friday]

Relationships & interacting with children is a wildly different experience than relating and interacting with adults. As a mom, you almost have to know this, at a very gut level, if not a very conscious level. Is your relationship with your child like any other relationship on the planet? When you wade into playgrounds, schools, houses full of children... are your head and heart functioning at the same level interacting with kids as when you go to work, or go shopping, or interact with adults? ((To the point, especially when children are young, that you'd be willing to chat up a gas station attendant after spending a day alone with the kids, for full sentences with words, because your brain is turning to oatmeal ;))).

That you're able to shift from interacting with children to interacting with adults with the ease and speed of turning your head from talking to kids on the playground to talking to their parents, putting the wee one down for a nap and hopping on the phone, that it's easy and natural for you? Doesn't mean that it's easy and natural for everyone.

The ability to interact with kids isn't something all PTSD people can do. But it sounds like it's something your boyfriend can do. <grin> It's something a lot, if not most, vets can do. Kids play by different rules, and those rules make sense. At least a helluva lot more sense than the game playing nonsense most adults partake in. Babies have needs. Children have wants. Adults have agendas.

Is he being a jerk? IDK. People with PTSD can be jerks. Beyond that, assholes get PTSD, too. Just having PTSD doesn't somehow make us angels. In point of fact the disorder tends to shorten our tempers to the damn quick, so regardless of our natural tendencies we tend to get pretty damn reactionary. And our ability to handle stress -that isn't an actual emergency- gets an equally faulty 3 second fuse. ((3 second fuses never last 3 seconds.))

However, I can completely see why he's referring you to PTSD-Basics sites... Because the stuff you've written about is pretty damn classic struggling PTSD... And it seems like you are dog set on refusing to learn about it / want it to be him being a jerk.

If so? Know this: It doesn't matter if it's PTSD or not. If it's not something you want in your life? Honey. It's your life. If you want someone who always responds to texts, who doesn't isolate, who does do A-Z... It doesn't matter if it's PTSD causing it to not happen. It's a lot like being a baker who is dating a diabetic. If you want someone who can swoon over your cakes and frostings and help you with that side of your business day in and day out? Don't date a diabetic! They might could be what you want sometimes, when they overload on their insulin, but it's not something they can do all the time.

He doesn't have to be a jerk for you not to date him. He just has to be someone that doesn't work in your life, in the way you want to build your life. He can be an outstanding man on every front, but just -quite simply- not be right for you.

Since he IS your son's father, though? Read up on PTSD. For real. Because he may never be a part of your life, or you may grow to become good friends, but he will be a part of your son's life.

 

[Sighs]

@FridayJones - I don't think the child is the OPs. I got the impression from the post that the son is his, not hers. @WoundedWarriorz - can you clear that up?

If you do not have children with this man then I agree with Friday - you need to think about whether you want him in your life regardless of the cause of the behaviour.

 

[WoundedWarriorz]

@FridayJones - I don't think the child is the OPs. I got the impression from the post...

Not my son... A son he had prior to us getting together

 

[WoundedWarriorz]

Relationships & interacting with children is a wildly different experience than relating and intera...

Kinda harsh.... But I see your point. I have no experience dealing with PTSD and even though I read a bit about it on google it doesn't make it easier or make me able to switch over night and understand. I'm here aren't I? Obviously I'm trying to learn more....

 

[WoundedWarriorz]

Is he diagnosed with PTSD?

How long have you been seeing him?

Not officially no, he just thinks he has it and I'm not one to say he is lying. I just don't know how to deal with it because I've never experienced it before. I have been with him almost 2 years in August.

 

[Sighs]

If he thinks he has it he should seek professional help. Untreated PTSD can really mess up relationships, careers and lives.

 

[WoundedWarriorz]

PTSD.

A thousand times, PTSD.

The relationship is stressful to him so that's why he's avoiding...

Yeah I did feel your response was harsh. I came here to try and get help understanding... I did not realize that I was going to be chastised and accused of being needy or insensitive. He hasn't repeatedly told me he needs space.... He told me once and I listened and we didn't even talk for almost two weeks. I messaged him again to check in and he read the messages but never responded so I asked if he was okay and if he needed anything. He said he was devoting one to his child, I said I understood and I told him I was there for him and to take his time. I waited another 3 weeks, 3 weeks of watching him play a game and chat with a bunch of other people like everything was fine so yes, I asked him if he just didn't want to talk to me and that's when he snapped on me and told me to "stop being a selfish bitch and Google PTSD things ur vet wants u to know" and proceeded to go on about how "sorry he dedicated all his time to his son" and "sorry he doesn't feel like talking to anyone". I came to this site two days after that blow up because I tried reading up on it. I know to Give him space and be supportive but I have been with him for almost two years and he has NEVER flipped on me and avoided me like this before. You can't spect every person to understand PTSD and know how to deal with it overnight or by reading a few pamphlets... Just like u can't understand a cancer patient and what they go through if you've never had cancer. The point you are missing is that I am trying to get answers and help.... Obviously I love him. Obviously I care. But idk how you can make accusations of me being needy or pushy or not ready etc just by ready a post i put on here for the first time. People will not put themselves out there and tell their stories if they feel like you are attacking them or making them the problem... Hey came here for help, just as I have. So help me, don't make inaccurate assumptions about me. Just something to think about... :/