I'm Falling Into A Deep Depression

[SpiritFree]

I can't believe I'm falling into a deep depression again. I suffered from severe depression throughout my childhood. Now it looks like it wants to make a comeback.

I just recently started a new job and it has been 1 month. Well first week went ok just a few mistakes which is normal to make when your starting new. However, I began to have these problems of not grasping instructions, unable to listen effectively, unable to follow oral instructions well, extremely short term memory. Never had these problems in my previous jobs. So to make the story short, my doctor order some tests be done if I have a learning disorder or some Brain injury because I was physical abused alot as a child. My doctor thinks it may be also that my Brain is not meant to be in an active office where people are talking alot, people walking right by my cubicle, phones ringing, answering angry calls. My previous were fast pace, but rarely did I see people walking by my cubicle, and it was quiet with a few chit chat among coworkers, but nothing like I am in now. Phones were heavy around 3 pm, but where I am it is all day. This is my first Customer Service job and I deal with mostly elderly folks which they can't speak loud or clear and I'm fighting to hear clearly. When I ask to spell their name slowly I get yelled at.

Anyway, today I was warned by a coworker that our supervisor will ask me about a call I answered and what did I tell them. When my supervisor, I began to have silent panic attacks. I forced myself and told the best I can remember. My supervisor knows in the second week of my new job I told her I have trouble grasping instructions orally. If I feel I'm not up to the job I will resign. She said fine.

So anyways I explain to her that I don't recall very clearly about the call but it was about an air conditioner and she was told if she had an issue she would call back. She did so I repeated back to her and she said yes. Like I said I have trouble listening clearly. Then I got reprimanded by another coworker for a mistake. Everyone was quiet around me as if I did something so horrible. I feel ashame.

All this made me feel so DUMB and STUPID. I have been crying off and on all afternoon asking God why he made me stupid. I feel this overwhelming feeling of lost time. I feel worthless and thinking perhaps I was meant to be retarded. I lost and wasted so much precious time of my life when I could have tried to do something with it. Now that I'm in my 50's, I feel it is so late to do anything. My only option is to wait on this Earth to die.

Thank you for letting me rant.

 

[Geoffry777]

You are fine my friend....try to improve frustration and distress tolerance....breathe...think well of yourself...allow yourself to fail...it's how we learn...I'm proud of you and love you.

 

[Geoffry777]

I love your expression...you are not dumb...pls stop that...that's what people have told you...time to stop believing thier nonsense...leave the old thoughts in the past...learn to react differently. U can do it.

 

[sedna]

I can't believe I'm falling into a deep depression again. I suffered from severe depression through...

SpiritFree,

I have no way to put into words just how much I relate to EXACTLY what you have just described. I have been humiliated and embarrassed more times than I can count in the last ten years. You mentioned in a different post that you have insomnia, and there's no question that lack of sleep will make this problem 10X worse.

I have the same issue with not following verbal commands or remembering simple instructions, sometimes even just 5 minutes after I get them. To give a couple of examples of wanting to die moments, hopefully this will help or make you laugh.

I was a medical professional with outdated credentials because I hadnt kept up my license when I after I got married. I was also used to being fairly well off. After I escaped my marriage and came back to the States I ended up in scummy welfare apartments with no way to get a decent job and no one to watch my children. I had to find a way to pay my attorney ( a guy that worked cheap at a place called Lawyers For Less, no joke ) and needed to find hours that my kids wouldnt need me. I decided to get a paper route to deliver papers before they got up, and a retail job at a tourist post card and sea shell type place.

First of all, delivering papers isnt that easy so if you've ever been mean to the paperboy, you should give him 20 bucks asap. But to get to the point, there were no streetlights and the house numbers weren't in order. I couldnt understand the instructions and eventually so many people complained that I was late or gave them the wrong paper, I ended up in a McDonalds with the manager, who was wearing head to toe polyester and totally giving me the concerned look. before she asked me if I was dyslexic or had " trouble getting through High School " . I was 40 at the time. She fired me right after telling me about "special classes at the Adult School ".......the retail job lasted a little longer, but that involved having a 20 year old manager that answered every one of my questions with " Uh, didnt, I like, show you that already ?? "

Trauma is what happened to my head. Ive been hit in the head, I may have brain damage from massive doses of meds at times, but I think my inability to concentrate on verbal exchanges is based entirely on the fact that I think about 100 different things at once from being in emergency mode for years. Its PTSD as a cause for ADD. Meds help for that, they really do. But they dont cure it, it just helps. I was worried ADD meds would increase my anxiety, but Im so much calmer that I can function better, that it helps instead of hurting.

Another thing, I have MS. It affects my hearing somewhat, but as a coping mechanism I grossly exaggerate my hearing loss in work or school situations so I can avoid people speculating about my cognitive function or intelligence. I highly recommend lying about or exaggerating a hearing problem if you are willing to be a little unethical. Its not PC to judge a hearing impairment. Give it a shot.

Please dont be so hard on yourself, Ive been there so many times, just recently it was in college classes I tried to take last spring. I'm 48, I feel like its too late most of the time too. We cant just have someone push us off on an iceberg like old Eskimos, you have to keep hangin' in there. :)

 

[Geoffry777]

Right on Coco...I agree with all u said....great thoughtshe and support

 

[mamachick]

coco your post is priceless. It is so bang on. The public are very hard to deal with, and many managers worse, particularly 20 yr old one that are like, uh, didnt, I like….. DUH

I have trauamtic brain injury sequalea from accident, cicadian rhythm sleep disorder, memory, paper work problems, focus, etc. I have kept up on a professional license but not worked in quite some time and am afraid. Absolutely cant do full time. Cant find suitable p.t. work. Big fear. Yet I look around and think, really…..
The neuropsych guy that tested me specified the loss I have but said that Im still above average and capable of my job . I started noticing that people either fake or lie. LOL. Confidence brews confidence, uncertainty brews uncertainty. Fake it til you make it honey! I know, sounds funny. I soooo love the hearing impairment, it clarifies any misunderstandings…just avoid the written parts….

I may use this as well in my future though Im not good at lying, I gotta do something to eat.

Spirit, please try to fight the depression, often finding humor in the situation will help to prevent the depression. We tend to go to the what ifs…. You are not stupid for sure. You are smart enough to know that you are making the mistakes. I have mild TBI and those with mild, such as you said you have from abuse, have more anxiety and depression and that is because we are smart enough ot know we are making mistakes or forgetting things. Maybe ignorance is bliss, because the really "stupid" people do NOT know it. They do not have the insight to recognize their errors.

Fighting against causes more anxiety. You must tell yourself that you are just fine. Use the hearing issue. They can not fire for disability. I would be so distracted in a cubicle with noise as you describe, let alone the phone calls with those who cant speak up or hear right and get angry.

 

[SpiritFree]

Thank you everyone. All of you have made me feel better Coco that was a powerful post. My doctor ordered an EEG and a CT Scan due to the fact I also have experience of holding objects on my hand and not be aware I'm holding it. Friends and Family tells me to hold on that I was only going thru being a newbie on the job. For me, I sense it is not because I was not like that in my other previous job. My doctor suspect I may have some form of Brain Injury that was never checked out. I was 8 years old when I was slammed against the wall so hard my head bounced twice and was kicked and punched. 2 days after the incident, I was experiencing some weird things whether it was a mild form of seizures, I don't know. My doctor thinks that it is finally manifesting itself on me after all these years because I have had experience all throughout these years but I never told anyone in order to cover the fact my older brother had been so violent toward me.

I dreaded going to work now but someone told me to hang on and once the doctor finds out then I can resign because now I have the backing from a medical doctor. Meanwhile, I just continue feeling like a dumb fool and feeling ashamed every-time I make a mistake. I am having trouble grasping the task and been making alot of mistake. I can tell they are getting frustrated with me. Thank God today is Friday, can't handle being in that office.

 

[sedna]

Thank you everyone. All of you have made me feel better Coco that was a powerful post. My doctor...

SpiritFree,

I thank you also for sharing something that I've been suffering with in humiliated silence alone with for a long time. Its so good for me to see people here that have almost identical experiences, I didnt think that was even possible.

Be a little careful about where you get yourself in your head while you still have this job. Because your're being hyper aware of what others are thinking about you, you're going to see reinforcement of that constantly in subtle things, facial expressions,and tones etc. Dont do that to yourself. Its like when you buy a new car and you suddenly see the same model of car everywhere you go, they were there all along but it wasnt in your conscious mind to notice them, because you had no reason.

I felt total humiliation in one of my classes last semester, and couldnt drop it without ruining my transcript. I decided to willfully disassociate and do a little method acting. I tried to get myself into the head space of it being a year later, and I'm describing the situation to someone and we're both laughing about it. I'd sort of meditate on that before I walked into the building. If you can pretend that the situation is behind you and not in front of you, it can help a lot. Sometimes reality is not your friend! :hug: