Stupid Girl I Chose It

[Upiw]

I read threads about trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome - still I'm not sure if there is any excuse for me.
I was 18 when we met and I stayed for 9 years of emotional and sexual abuse
At the time, people saw me as a stupid girl. I remember some guy telling me to cut my wrists lengthwise not horizontally if I really wanted to succeed at killing myself,
Over 20 years ago - there will never be enough time to separate me from that time
I was not able to have children because of that man I thought I loved.
and my life became a blur for so many years
Nobody forced me to stay.
My childhood was not horrific, there was emotional neglect not open abuse.
It's horrible to think this, but deep down I believe I was just stupid. A stupid girl. Desperate for attention.
I hate myself for staying. Nobody forced me to. I thought I could not live without that man - and I realise now he was a sociopath
most people are forced to endure suffering. I chose it.
I will never understand

 

[Eticu]

I read threads about trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome - still I'm not sure if there is any excuse for me.
I was 18 when...

You are not alone. Some of us got here because of our own decisions. But you are not still there. You are wounded, but you are not still there. You are not stupid. Many hugs. Sorry, I'm not at my most eloquent these days. Just know I care.

 

[Uzeri]

I don't think you knowingly chose it. Your childhood of emotional neglect primed you to stay attached to any guy who would give you the time of day no matter how bad he treated you.

Emotional neglect can be devastating. Please read up on those monkey studies. Very sad. :(

 

[Etoje]

<raises hand> Me! Me-me-me-me!!! I'm here because of my own decisions! :shifty: :D :cautious:

I had a great childhood. Amazing family. World travel. Love & Laughter & Hijinks & All things grand.

I chose a job that landed me in trauma up to my eyeballs... And I loved it. Also hated it. Best & worst times. But I wasn't a victim. Not yet, that came later. But I still got PTSD. And over the years I just added more and more. Some from things I did. Some from things I didn't do. Some from things done to me. I could have stopped. Done something sane. Or at least saner. I didn't. I just kept stacking trauma. Shrug. Not all of it was my fault, but they were also the clear -and highly predictable- results of my own decisions.

There's no one else to blame but myself.

Some people seem to think that makes shit easier. I have no idea. But if it does? Awesome. Because this f*cking shit is hard enough, thanks. I suspect it doesn't. That it just makes it different. But, again, no way for me to know. And not really relevant, at the end of the day, either. Because no matter where this came from? My fault or not... I still have to deal with it. So other people can deal with their problems, and I can deal with my problems, and that's all there is to it. Anyone wants to get into a pissing contest about whose life is more f*cked up is welcome to it. They win. I don't give a rip whose life is more f*cked up, what's easier or harder, or who is to blame or not to blame. I just care about unf*cking my own life. And that? Is on me. That? Is something I can do. Is something I can work with. Is something I can do something about. Cheers! I broke myself. Yes, sometimes I had help, but whatever. Now it's time to put myself back together.

 

[Upiw]

Yeah I do it think it makes it easier. But I suppose the reality is this world is full of suffering and trauma, and full of wounded people who don't mind hurting other people. Maybe there's not much point in blaming anyone.
There are people I blame deep down in my heart - my parents. But that feels so wrong as I know there was no evil intent there. Perhaps in a way that makes it even worse - to be so invisible.
Maybe what j really feel is the heaviness of that invisibility. And shame that I didn't have it nearly as bad as many but I managed to make such a mess of my life.
It does feel heavy. Makes it hard for even me to care about me

 

[Upiw]

**imeant to say "I don't think it makes it easier"! Don't not do
Sorry

 

[Ewede]

Yeah I do it think it makes it easier. But I suppose the reality is this world is full of suffering and trauma, and full...

You have to care about you. Be kind to yourself. I am trying to do that as well. We all are.

 

[Womoz]

**imeant to say "I don't think it makes it easier"! Don't not do
Sorry

No, it's not always easy. It can be the hardest thing we ever have to do.

 

[Powocu]

You stayed.

That's all you did.

You didn't commit on-going acts of abuse.

You are only responsible for you - nothing more, nothing less.

Was it a good idea to stay? No. It was trauma bonded and understandable, but no, not a great choice. We all make mistakes in life.

The simple well meaning mistake to stay with him isn't something you should continue to be hard on yourself for. It is not helpful or accurate.

You made the choice to stay, but what happened to you was not your fault.

He made the choice to abuse. You are not so powerful as to be at fault for his actions.

Stop agreeing with the abuser that you have blame in his actions simply because you stayed.

Let the responsibility for his choices belong to him.

I had exposure to a sociopath. It's really not your fault what he did.

 

[Upiw]

Thank you powocu
I know it's not my fault what he did but it's hard to sit with memories of myself in those days. I didn't understand really, and by the time I did the damage was done.
The chains that held me there were my own naievety and neediness - to achieve the exalted state of being loved!
I sleep walked through those days, numb and doing anything I could to remain in denial of the horrible truth.
dam it still hurts so badly to remember.
I wish I could reach back in time and shake myself! Wake up girl!
Anyway I guess however I got here is how I did. I just had to say that as I kept wondering if I was the only one who paved their own path to hell!!
But as you reminded me so kindly, I guess I didn't so much pave it as walk upon a path paved by another whom I was most unwise to trust )-:

 

[Kazolut]

I suggest that you are listening to that voice inside you who blames you always. It isn't helpful. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. That is a distraction.

 

[Matu]

I think many of us who experienced interpersonal trauma, abuse and betrayal blame ourselves and feel great shame in what we did to survive (and we need love to survive, I totally get what @Uzeri is saying about the monkey studies! The videos are heart breaking.) I know I feel devastating shame about my own actions and question if I was responsible for or at least complicit in my own abuse. Especially re the promiscuity of my early teens, and the abusive relationships I knowingly entered into and stayed in during my late teens and early 20s. There are myriad valid reasons why we did what we did. However, I do know that castigating myself does not help me unf*ck my life (thanks so much for that choice phrase, @Etoji, made me laugh!) But, self-blame and being viciously mean to myself are difficult safety-seeking habits to break, especially at the emotional level. We may know intellectually that we were just young and doing the best we could given our upbringing, knowledge and resources at the time ... And yet emotionally we keep holding ourselves more accountable than our abusers. The only thing else I can think of to say or do is to agree with everyone else who said to be gentle with yourself and offer a hug if you accept them. Oh, and just know you're not alone!