Ironlady
Platinum Member
I have been severely depressed for weeks now and it is getting worse. I feel ashamed for wanting to die and the suicide ideation that has plagued me for days. I want to get in my truck and drive it right into the lake. Or into the overpass. I even considered walking into that son of bitches home and saying ok dad.. you win and blowing my f*cking brains out right there with the gun he forced me to use on my own dog and then convinced me it was my own idea. I f*cking hate what he has done to me. He has f*cking raped every part of my spirit and did it without even having to touch me. there is not one part of my inner self that has not been molested and injected with poisoning madness.I have been cursed from the time I was born. And my father was great of reminding me that.. as he so eloquently screamed at me "YOU HARLOT!" and my mother showed it to me every f*cking day when I had to pick maggots out of my food and sneak outside and eat dog food and clover because sometimes thats all there was. My father would have burned me at the stake without blinking an eye and my mother would have stood and watched. Figuratively that's what they did anyway only it didn't kill me. Why couldn't it have just killed me? Everyone says how wonderful I am but really? How can I even believe that when I know I'm really not. How do you change that thinking when you know that you are so damaged that you can't even believe there is a chance for any repairing that will heal you?.. I can't play with my children, be a wife that my husband deserves or be the loving friend to myself that I'm told I deserve or to anyone else. I feel like a fake. Someone who isn't afraid to give advice to genuinely help others but I can't even apply my own words. Who the f*ck am I to say anything. The more people I engage with and talk to the more I feel like a complete cluster f*ck. I'm more afraid of living than I am of dying. And I feel like everything about my character, my responses to others and my own feelings is wrong. I'm wrong. I'm not just someone who makes a mistake. I am the mistake. I'm the one who curses god everyday for being alive and wishes he would punish me one last time and strike me dead. I hate that I'm unable to commit to any solid suicidal plan. I always stop myself. I can't even do that f*cking right. I can't get past anything or accept what I can't change. I can't see past my pain. I can't see past my own festering wounds. I feel like I have taken on wounds that don't belong to me and I just can't carry them anymore and yet I can't let them go they are embedded in me like parasites that are eating away at my flesh and I'm scared I'm passing them to my own kids. I feel I have emotionally cut myself off from every person who has ever cared about me. I don't want to be loved or cared about. I don't deserve it. Anyone who is selfish enough to wish herself dead with a husband and kids does not deserve it. And I'm writing this and cursing myself for even doing it to waste even more time, to waste the time of those reading it and for crying out for what?! To be saved? To get attention like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum? More pathetic actions that are so rudimentary and infantile that I want to puke. Disgustingness and wretchedness?. You're looking at her.. I won't be dying today.. but how much longer can I take this torture before I do? I'm so sorry for anyone reading this... I know it's bad and I feel bad for even leaving it here... but I can't handle keeping it in anymore either. I feel desperate. i realize this is irrational but I'm not in a rational state of mind.. and my reasoning intelligence is very askew at the moment. Going to T tomorrow and will discuss this. if I feel like I'm going to do something stupid I'll call hotline. Just battling a raging army of demons right now. :cry:
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