Parts That Want Us Dead

[sun seeker]

It is like, if I have this which would solve problem A I have another debilitating trigger that stops me from addressing that.

So it sounds like you have a self-sustaining system set up with some parts set up to sabotage the other parts. I'm going to theorize, however, that the purpose of the whole thing is survival. If it weren't, you wouldn't have lasted this long.

Actually I can relate to this feeling of "if I fix this problem, there is another one that pops up." I think the solution is increasing communication between parts in the system.

You need a therapist who understands dissociation.

 

[BlueOrange]

2. manifest via emotional pathways (no idea what this means - so add stupidity to the list willya?)

So, I have a part whose function is to feel sadness. Nobody else in me feels sad. (This statement is less true than it used to be, which is good for us.)

3. Control muscles - I am guessing you mean lack thereof - if so - check

Could be a lack - I get very wobbly in some emotional states. I have a part who activates my throat muscles and chokes me if I start saying things I shouldn't say. It can also cramp up my arms if I attempt unauthorized written communication - pens require precise motor control and are easily disrupted. Typing is very hard for it to disrupt, but it does have ways of closing that down too, if it needs to.

 

[BlueOrange]

What's up with the co-consciousness then BlueOrange?

I respectfully disagree with the therapist who said you don't have DID. But mine is not a well-informed disagreement, and labels in the mirror may appear larger than the truth. A therapist who helps is a therapist who helps, and I'll take 'help that makes things better' over 'the label that I think is best' much more comfortably than I used to.

 

[shimmerz]

Theorizing wildly now, it's conceivable that 'parts' might actually have a biological correlation to 'formations of neurons' (not regions, but connected groups - just like you and I are connected people, even though we are not in the same geography). If that were the case, then we could theorize that PTSD forms when a memory must be stored (due to overwhelming life-and-death significance), but there is not a formation of neurons that is compatible with the memory to be stored. If THAT is the case, then what might happen is the creation of a brand-new formation of neurons that is not well-connected to the other neurons. If THAT ALSO is the case, then it seems to explain a lot of my symptoms.

Just prior to my absolute breakdown 10 years ago, I was having issues with being terrorized in my house.

I will never forget it. I was alone in the house, waiting for the next attack, and I buckled over holding my head. Sounds crazy but here it is. My head was zapping like it was struck by electrical impulses. I could literally feel itself rewiring itself. From that moment onwards I could no longer do my IT work, I was a basket case, I was fainting all the time.

I spoke to T-doc about it. He nodded knowingly and said 'that must have been terrifying'. Oddly enough, it wasn't. It seemed like a familiar feeling to me, although I couldn't pinpoint it. Of course, at that time I was completely numbed out due to what was happening to me at the time.

My theory is that, due to the circumstances in the house at that time, my survival relied on my accessing those old buried memories (pre and non verbal) of when I was terrorized in homes before the age of two.

I absolutely agree with what you are saying here BlueOrange. I believe parts are, by and large, particular wirings of neurons. But again, I ask, is the co-conscious thing the lack of dual ANP's? So I have tandem wiring regions firing at the same time?

 

[shimmerz]

I respectfully disagree with the therapist who said you don't have DID.

I am pretty positive that he based that on the fact that I was highly co-conscious.

 

[sun seeker]

But again, I ask, is the co-conscious thing the lack of dual ANP's?

But Shimmerz, I think you do have two ANPs. Don't you?

 

[shimmerz]

So, I have a part whose function is to feel sadness.

Nope. I don't think this one resonates. SunSeeker could probably answer this one better though.

So it sounds like you have a self-sustaining system set up with some parts set up to sabotage the other parts. I'm going to theorize, however, that the purpose of the whole thing is survival. If it weren't, you wouldn't have lasted this long.

I actually think this is opposite. Maybe you could help me with this one though. I would have died many times over without those friends that constantly watched me. It was never me that saved myself. Ever. I believe, based on my past (and documented) history, that this part was programmed to die. That was her only task. And she kept f*cking it up.

I think the solution is increasing communication between parts in the system.

She is totally nonverbal. She was so young. Not even preverbal. I mean other things happened when she was preverbal - and I am certain there are parts of each - but I think this particular part is nonverbal. I don't know how to communicate with nonverbal. She doesn't seem to understand when I ask her not to run outside and curl up. There is, however, a knowing in myself that I am working with a part that is completely immersed in blind terror.

 

[scout86]

@shimmerz , can we stop for a second? I have a couple of questions for 'the rational part of your brain that we'd all like to think is usually running the show.', if that's ok. Consider this thoughts and questions from left field. (Again)

Is there an actual, real world as experienced by most people, reason why you need to leave the house where you are currently living? Because, up to now, my understanding was that the need to escape exists in your head, but not in the version of reality most people experience. Those are both problems. They are similar problems, but they are not the SAME problem.

The same with 'she doesn't know where to go' or how ever it was you said that. (Can't find it again. :() Before we set about helping that 'part' decide what she needs to do now, maybe we should ask, does she actually NEED to do ANYTHING right now?

Approaching this from a different angle, if I've got this right, the deal with traumatic memories is that you experience them like they are happening now. There isn't the separation between 'over there, back then' and 'here and now' most people have. (I really only have my T's word for it that this is how memory works for other people. :bag:) So, from here, it seems like one of the things that's going on is that this 'part' sees a situation that looks similar, believes it to be a PAST situation, and is setting about to solve THAT problem, not the actual current problem. While it's tempting to go off down the garden path of dealing with an old problem, it's not necessarily the most useful thing to do if you have a somewhat different current situation.

Right now, what's the actually current problem? Finding a safe house? Keeping the wayward part from hijacking the show? Something else?

 

[shimmerz]

But Shimmerz, I think you do have two ANPs. Don't you?

I haven't got that sense about myself, and there is no need to treat me with kid gloves on this - because I actually argued quite a bit with T-doc on this one. I don't see two ANP's. I think I have been stuck in an EP part(s) these past 10 years. Keep in mind that I am completely unable to attend to normal functioning within myself - and what I can do these days I have had others or myself reteach me.

Am open to your thoughts though.

 

[BlueOrange]

But again, I ask, is the co-conscious thing the lack of dual ANP's?

If you use the definition of 'part' that I use (as explained above), then 'lack of co-consciousness' is not required for 'separation of parts'. I'd be interested to have this conversation with the smart therapist. Given that's unlikely to happen, the question I would feed into this is "Did the smart therapist have knowledge of the theory of Structural Dissociation?" It seems quite possible that a smart and helpful therapist might not be aware of that theory, or that they might interpret it differently to the way that I interpret it.

So I have tandem wiring regions firing at the same time?

Perhaps 'networks' rather than regions. There's a separation between a road network and a rail network, even if you find both of them in the same region. So I agree, but I want to be precise about the way that I agree.

Therapist appointment soon, time for me to go.

 

[shimmerz]

Keeping the wayward part from hijacking the show?

^^^^ And not being prepared for it the best way I can be. I have been lucky most of this fall with the weather. But I am telling you, the days that it hit 0 degrees in the AM, I was completely immersed in this part. So I think this line of conversing is, in fact, prudent. I am hoping to come up with something that I can start to put into place before I am caught again.

 

[sun seeker]

can we stop for a second? I have a couple of questions for 'the rational part of your brain that we'd all like to think is usually running the show.', if that's ok.

I'm sitting back and waiting. Will come back to this after the rational brain has its say.