Needing Power

[Rani G2]

Hey people,

human relationships are too much of a burden that I tend to hide myself. If I am suppose to interact I must come across powerful, superior and as someone who is able to survive. I absolutely hate the feeling of weakness. This makes me feel like a child, stuck in a trap. I tend to come across cold, rational and a little arrogant. There is a part of me that feels very opposite, so I am trying my best to protect myself. It doesnt help at all, when it comes to connecting with other people. I actually feel like a small, weak person with no any quality. Then again, there is this strong, manipulative part that likes to have power.

This is extremely frustrating, because my mind is very much focused on survival.

I get aggressive if someone tries to dominate me. I usually fight back, but after a while I realise the fight doesnt make sense all the time.

Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Pixielicious]

@Shankara

"
I get aggressive if someone tries to dominate me. I usually fight back, but after a while I realise the fight doesnt make sense all the time. "

I relate to this very strongly, in fact, it's one of my worst triggers....But I still have problems stopping myself going into flashback mode when anyone tries to dominate me :(

 

[Rani G2]

Hey Pixielicious,

what exactly happens when you go into that mode?

Do you feel that this constant battle sucks so much energy that it leaves you hopeless? I am thinking of going to a self defense course as I hate the feeling of not being able to fight. Physically.

What does your therapist say?

 

[Pixielicious]

Hey Pixielicious,

what exactly happens when you go into that mode?

Do you feel that this constant b...

I just go into full blown flashback mode, lose all sense of reality and am back in time where my nightmare began... I Don't have a T yet as I'm still on a waiting list...Yes I do feel hopeless when it's all over... And very scared at my inability to control the flashbacks..

 

[Bristol]

I can completely relate to this, I can't stand being told what to do by anyone ever even gentle suggestions. It makes me really angry and i tend to argue like a child. Also causes me stress at work esspeically as i try not to make any mistakes so that no one can trll me what to do to fix it. Its a nightmare but i totally get what you are going through!

 

[Rani G2]

@Bristol1485

Yes its not easy. When we have to constantly fight those influences.

My T asks me to acknowledge that feeling of being weak, suppressed, inferior. Surrender and just see. Its a feeling, and watch it as it comes.

Hard work, and I dont always get it. What does she really mean?

 

[Pixielicious]

I thought it was just me who gets like this....That I Hate it if someone tells me what to do in any way shape or form....Before The trauma happened I wasn't like that, in fact, I was a pathetic doormat imo and if I hadn't been a pathetic doormat the trauma wouldn't have happened..... I Don't Know, I get very confused when I try to analyse myself.

 

[Bristol]

I havent started working on this side of things but i have always had the same issues. I guess once everything is dealt with then you can approach being critised and such by people and not see a direct threat because there isnt but certainly because my experiences happened while my personality was forming its always going to feel like a threat esspeically from guys but it must be a good habit to break. I guess itll just take practise and positive experiences really im not sure whether that helps or not tho!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Hey people,

human relationships are too much of a burden that I tend to hide myself. If I am suppose...

Yes, I personally relate Shankara to sometimes feeling weak especially around some (not all) who tend to try to dominate and control me, my thoughts, opinions, etc.

 

[Rani G2]

Trauma creates a persecutor-victim dynamic. Maybe this doesnt apply for all, but it surely has something to do with it. Its paradoxical, because I feel the need to become powerful and manipulative so that no one, ever has that power on me again. I only become that way, When I see those dangerous situations. The problem is, objectively these situations, most of the time has nothing to do with me. I am in that mode. I just find it hard not to react. This means, I must fight or suppress that Person. The T always asks to consider the part that has this mechanism. Be there for that part. Urghhhh


The winner-or-loser attitude leads persecutors to conclude that if they do not act in such dominant ways then others will do the same to them, making them the victim. They see life as a pecking-order and that they are either going up or going down this essential hierarchy.

-changing minds ( article) explains it better I guess.

 

[7Cs]

Trauma creates a persecutor-victim dynamic. Maybe this doesnt apply for all, but it surely has somethi...

Do you have a link to the article?

 

[Rani G2]

@7Cs

Yes changingminds.org/persecutor-Victim /behaviour