Parts That Want Us Dead

[shimmerz]

terror-stricken, trapped,

I get the impression that these two apply. No sense of depression or hopelessness. It almost seems that those two emotions are not at all on the radar.

dramatic or death-oriented.

Definitely. I think she thinks the only way out is to run with the sole intention of hiding so nobody will find her.

Maybe to 'her' it's factual & solution-based?

I think she is way too young to be factual. It is simply solution driven with no means of understanding the implications. She is caught in the immediate here and now (to her) of needing to get the hell out of Dodge.

Where would the saying a lamb to the slaughter come from?

This is a very good question. I had caught myself talking about dying in my diary and caught it and purposely noticing and avoiding the terminology. It was much higher in my brain. This one, I think is new (and much more dramatic). No idea where it has come from but perhaps digging to see why she feels like she is being sacrificed and by whom.

Thanks Junebug. So helpful. Both you and Scout in your comments today.

 

[Ronin]

She is dramatic and very death oriented.

What @Junebug said, also echoing @scout86.

Death IS dramatic, of course someone for whom it's the only pattern of problem solving perceived as any real option would present in 'dramatic' ways. You're not supposed to go out quietly while giving no damns for something so precious as your life. That 'drama' is healthy. Even when not employed in the healthiest ways.

 

[Tinyflame]

@shimmerz not sure of what they call the method, but it requires asking Why? & answering each one, perhaps of her, and of yourself?

Totally hypothetical example:

I think she thinks the only way out is to run with the sole intention of hiding so nobody will find her.

-Start with, Why is important nobody finds you?

For yourself, start with perhaps, Why do you think the intention is so that nobody will find her? , etc.

I'll walk through with you each one if you want. (The key is to keep asking Why?, further.)

:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Start with, Why is important nobody finds you?

Because they won't leave her alone.

There is a documented story behind this. 20 foster homes. The T on Friday and I got into this. I was messed for two days afterwards. It ain't pretty. At 1 year old I was sent back to my birth parents for the 3rd time. A psychiatrist deemed it to be so even though social workers etc raised hell about it. Something happened to me then because when I was placed into foster care again I was described as a monster, a wild animal and various other non flattering phrases.

Apparently I bit people if they came near me. They decided that a good solution for this was to bite me back. Foster home after foster home called the CAS and begged them to take me away. I was contained on patios outdoor in November in a play pen because people wouldn't allow me in their houses.

I escaped once. They found me somewhere outside. The social worker happened to be there at time, oddly enough.

My adult self? Still believes that there is nothing she can do in order to have aggressors leave her alone. Happened in the house of horrors. I would attempt to find a safe place to go in the house and would literally be followed everywhere and tormented. I couldn't get away. This occurred to me after my appt on Friday. When the men who stalked me through those times followed me in my car, at least the car was locked so if they approached me I could keep them away from me (to a degree). There are other stories about why the car is safe. I won't bore anyone with them.

My car is gone now. There is no other place, I think, that I relate to my being able to remove myself from danger besides a car or running outside and hiding so that nobody could get at me.

Thanks so much for the idea Junebug.

 

[scout86]

My adult self? Still believes that there is nothing she can do in order to have aggressors leave her alone.

Then we 'just' have to come up with some other stuff your adult self can do. Totally serious. Not necessarily easy, which is why 'just' is in quotes.

I had one of those small scale 'light coming on' experiences over the weekend. It seems sort of relevant, maybe? I was driving to therapy and listening to the radio. They were talking about 'families' and the functions of families and the things that are supposed to happen in families, etc. Basically, one of the functions of a family is that, when something bad happens to you, it's supposed to be a place you go where people then pay attention to you and your needs. As a result, you get needs met, learn it's ok to have needs, learn problems can be dealt with, etc etc. But, as the discussion went on, in this happy little story, something bad happens, primitive human turns to tribe, tribe helps. That's the theory. As I ran through that, it became quite clear that if the tribe isn't very functional, different things are going to happen. If the tribe is led by a narcissist, for example, what ever happens is going to be about THEM because EVERYTHING is ALWAYS going to be about 'them'. Then the lessons learned will be completely different. Sit with that for a second, as just a collection of facts, nothing more or less.

One of the things I like about my T is that he's never denied that bad shit happens. He's never advocated believing in a world full of rainbows and unicorns. No matter what I've thrown at him, he's never once said, "Well, we both know THAT isn't very likely to happen." He's just helped me unpack and deal with the problem, no matter how unlikely. I don't know for sure that approach works for everyone. You might not find it helpful, but it's something to think about. The thing is, you actually have to address the
'what if?' scenario, in detail, you can't just let some hysterical part hijack the show.

So, you have actually BEEN in some situations where there wasn't much you could do to get people to leave you alone. A number of times. And it was bad. On a bunch of levels. Maybe to deal with this you need to pick apart the forces at work that let that happen, do some comparing of then and now, and come up with some ideas to use going forward. Because this IS scary stuff and it seems more reasonable to work on planning than to randomly panic.

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe to deal with this you need to pick apart the forces at work that let that happen, do some comparing of then and now, and come up with some ideas to use going forward.

Yes, I agree with this totally. It seems my mind is at a blank here. I feel lost like a ship at sea when I try to think of alternatives to this issue. Much must come down to my lack of being able to protect myself.... I have no strategies to stop stuff or even identify it when it is coming smack at me. Then all the sudden I go 'oh shit' (in an infant kinda way) and deal the way I did back then.

And yes, being surrounded by narcissists, there truly is no place to go besides out somewhere on my own and just .... idk, the feeling is to disappear.

Thanks Scout.

 

[Ronin]

I feel lost like a ship at sea when I try to think of alternatives to this issue.

You'd still go looking for your port though, where it's safe to anchor, signaling other ships, avoiding other ships, et cetera.

You wouldn't be alone in that 'lost', you'd just have a harder visibility and contactability of every one else & orientation mismatch? But that's still a problem situation, Lost >> Go Be Found, it's not a Lost >> No Solutions. Craash. End Of Everything. Armageddon, Goodbye. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

You'd still go looking for your port though

She doesn't know of things like ports. And nor does the adult part of me seem to. That is the conundrum

 

[Ronin]

So introduce her to? That's a world of new things to discover, and it can be discovered in ways that are very much fun and months long amazement, which might also slightly distract the death wish? (To be fair, also compound on it, because learning something new is setting oneself up to /feeling/ like more of a failure for not knowing 'the basics', even if feelings aren't facts.)

 

[Tinyflame]

A lighthouse?

:hug:

 

[scout86]

"Introduce her to them". These "parts" aren't truly STUCK in time and place, are they? They are ASPECTS of our personalities. You have learned a certain set of responses. The big thing I got out of the radio story was, OF COURSE I learned to deal with some things the way I did. It was a function of the system I was born in to and the fact that we aren't born knowing there are many and diverse systems.

I think maybe a place to start is with a simple, detailed list, written down, of "things I need to be able to protect myself from". If you need help brain storming, w can help, but write it down so you engage those "higher cognitive functions".

 

[shimmerz]

So introduce her to? That's a world of new things to discover, and it can be discovered in ways that are very much fun and months long amazement, which might also slightly distract the death wish?

I am sorry. No idea how to do this. I think because the adult and the child feel lost in this. But I thank you Ronin.