Parts That Want Us Dead

[Tinyflame]

By doing when feeling terror? Same as the going for coffee, before? Something similar?

 

[shimmerz]

"things I need to be able to protect myself from". If you need help brain storming, w can help

Yes, please. I am currently lost in this conversation. I have no idea what any of you are trying to get to for me. And that is because of me, I am certain, not because of you.

Coffee? Need car. I am in the boonies here. And unfortunately when I got out for walks I see dead animals (flashbacks), have an intense need to look for a crevice to curl up in, and get caught in my 'I don't know where to go' mode.

I am simply not in my right mind. As I speak of these things I do recognize, however, that she comes out in not so dramatic ways as well (as I spoke about in paragraph above). I didn't realize that before this posting. So perhaps there is a window there where I can practice. The problem is, how do I practice?

 

[shimmerz]

By doing when feeling terror? Same as the going for coffee, before? Something similar?

I am so sorry. This looks like a straightforward posting but my brain doesn't get it. I wish I understood why. I am trying not to be stupid about this stuff.

 

[scout86]

You're not being stupid, you're just kind of stuck. And it's understandable that you feel that way. You don't have to STAY stuck though, so maybe it will help to hold on to the idea that there are ways to negotiate all this.

Going back to what I said before about writing stuff down.... When I get lost in a mess like this, I find the best thing to do, usually, is to try to simplify and clarify both what's going on and what my goals need to be. It's really easy to just 'react' to stuff. By the time you realize that's what you're doing, you're so far down the rabbit hole there's no easy way back.

So, can you give us, and yourself, a kind of simple statement of the BIG problem at the moment? (Yes, I have an idea what it is, probably we ALL have ideas about what it is, but I think it's important that you start by finding it and writing it down.) Personally, when I do this I usually end up with something that absolutely ridiculously simple and obvious.

 

[Ronin]

Need car.

Okay, getting the confusion, gonna go smaller.

Need car: Can rent a car?

To just sit in, hide in, sleep in, until things swim into focus better.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to go with "you think you need a car". Or, maybe you FEEL like you need a car. My question is, do you need a car, or do you need what the car represents, or do you need something that can serve the purpose that your car served, or something else?

My personal best guess? The car served a purpose that you'd like to feel can be served now, if you need it.

 

[shimmerz]

So not in a good place right now. Looking at flights to toronto. Looking at renting a car. I need out. *tears* I so need out.

 

[scout86]

@shimmerz this sounds a lot like you're being hijacked by that wayward "part" of yours. You can leave any time you want to. But, first, give me one good reason for leaving right now. (Please?)

 

[shimmerz]

The argument in the car when I picked him up today. Over food. The only time we argue. It has totally activated me. Since this whole diabetic thing we have argued 5 times. It screws me up horribly. There is no violence, he is just watching tv. But my head is a disaster with all sorts of exit strategies going on.

 

[Ronin]

OK, you say 'all sorts of exit strategies going on'.

We've heard of a flight plus car, now. Can you share the other strategies, too? Maybe might see what of them is more useful than flying out, right now? :)

 

[scout86]

OK, that makes sense. (Not saying it's necessarily time to leave, mind you, just that now I can see why this got so urgent.)

Before you make any major decisions, how about if you find some ways to deactivate? This sounds like a case where you have the luxury of some time, so let's make sure you're making the best choices you can. This time, you can change things up and do a less messy job than what's happened in the past.

 

[shimmerz]

Yeah, I know how this goes. All exit strategies are a disaster. It doesn't make sense what I am thinking. Walk the 45 minute drive route and that doesn't even get me anywhere that is helpful? Sleep where?

I keep walking outside, wandering around in literal circles, wander back inside because I don't know where to go. Back outside again.

I am not crying but tears are pouring down my face. I am keeping in a room on my own. He has no idea what is going on. He has HAD no idea what has been going on with this as it has been ramping up. I haven't spoken to him about it at all. This was SO not a good day to do this.

Best idea right now I think - thank you both for grounding me - clonazepam.

Don't.do.anything.stupid.

I can't figure out how to ease her. This walking outside and then in circles is freaking me out - although it is better than bolting.