Parts That Want Us Dead

[Ronin]

For starters: Good food / bath or shower / soft things / movement around without going far / sleep?

Not saying they're necessarily your ways to soothe, just offering some basics to let you know there's options and what the areas might be, if you've got anything similar you can do too :)

 

[Ronin]

wander back inside because I don't know where to go.

Okay can you describe the place you need?

How does it look? How does it feel? What all is there that is comforting and safe feeling?

Might help figuring if there's one such place nearer you, and/or how to make spaces you have safer if there isn't.

 

[Ronin]

clonazepam.

Do you remember the safe dose?

 

[scout86]

All exit strategies are a disaster.

I doubt that's accurate. Just kind of FYI. That's part of the "Oh shit, oh NO!" cycle that comes with that 'part'.

Yeah, let's think "GROUNDING". for the moment.

What do you think would happen if you sat down and told SO what's going on? Right now, he kind of 'feels' like The Enemy. I'm not sure that's accurate. He may not be perfect, but he's been pretty good about a lot of stuff. He might actually be on your side. Possible?

 

[shimmerz]

Do you remember the safe dose?

Yes. Thank you. I forgot to do that. I will go out right now and do so. Ativan? Clonazepam? *heavy sigh*

What do you think would happen if you sat down and told SO what's going on?

He turns actually. Into someone I don't know. Like I said, this has happened 5 times now. It is always the same. And it isn't at all nice.

With my adult head, what I don't want is for this to blow up at 1 hour away from dark. That would be bad.

There are absolutely NO good exit strategies here. None. Similar to BC, there is no way of getting anywhere without a car.

What I am realizing is that I am wanting to run BEFORE something horrible happens. Internally and externally. And I think what happens is once I start to run I am fully activated. I think it is in the running. Because I am half adult half little right now.

 

[Ronin]

Is there anything not-running where the adult and the child can be a team?

And are there no good strategies there? Not meaning to doubt your assesment, but some times, there are good strategies, the way of seeing the space around just needs to be different, you need to look at something with different eyes, even though it's been there for ages? (Soft / caring mental voice.)

 

[scout86]

There are absolutely NO good exit strategies here.

I think the good news is, you don't need an exit strategy tonight. You might need one, but not tonight.

I'll be honest, not having ever met him, I've been skeptical because of some of his earlier behavior. (The whole sending you back to Canada with pancreatitis deal kind of pissed me off.) He redeemed himself some later on and he's been pretty remarkable a few times since then, so I'm cutting him some slack. I rather doubt he's actually Evil and I suspect he's small potatoes compared to other people you've dealt with. At worst, maybe he's kind of self centered? Like I said, hard to tell from here.

Anyway, my thought is that you're situation might be unpleasant but probably not actually dangerous. Does that seem accurate? (I'm sure it FEELS dangerous. That's a separate deal.)

 

[shimmerz]

No, he is not dangerous. This part on the other hand if activated enough. Not a good thing. I am doing all I can to just keep away while in the house. I am trying to stop myself from going outside.

(The whole sending you back to Canada with pancreatitis deal kind of pissed me off.)

Yes, and I am very close to this anniversary date. Which is why I haven't spoken to him about it. It is pointless. And I think that much of this with him is being activated by that.

I have to keep in my mind that this needs to be an opportunity to think shit through. The problem is I have absolutely no resources. Which I knew when I came here. This f*cking thing with me .... can't work, no options. It is driving me nuts.

Thanks Ronin and Scout. I will be okay. What happens happens.

 

[scout86]

I have to keep in my mind that this needs to be an opportunity to think shit through

Yes, exactly that!

The problem is I have absolutely no resources.

You DO have resources though. I'll grant that the job/self support/ etc situation is a problem. It's a temporary problem. I'm totally sure of that. Meanwhile, you have a good (if slightly differently functioning) brain. You also have friends. (And I've still got room on the couch if we can get you across the border.) You have some resources. This is a process. Remember that.

The anniversary date thing is worth playing around with. It's one of those things that can stir up feelings from the past that then produce reactions in the present that aren't really based in what actually happening now. Another thing I've wondered about is if there's some kind of anniversary around now for HIM. It seems like we all tend to take on the weirdness of the world in these moments and assume that it's "us". Sometimes it's not just us. Sometimes the other people in our lives are having struggles of their own that we interpret in ways they not only don't intend, they don't even consider.

I'm not going to suggest that you try talking to him, but I"m going to suggest that you consider the possibility if you get a chance. Even if you can't express what's going on real well, I'd almost bet it will help if he knows something IS going on. That can go a lot of ways, of course, but most of the time it's better to have the cards on the table. One of the strangest things to come out of "Therapy" has been to find out that sometimes expressing that things are kind of messed up really DOES help. (Speaking of which, that new T is also somewhat of a resource.)

 

[scout86]

I've got to take off for awhile. Do all your friends here a favor and check back in before you make any major decisions, ok? What ever happens may happen, but there's more to it than that. What ever happens, we'll find a way to deal with. :tup: :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Clugston believes that no one on the streets is unreachable.

He says city staff found housing for one man, but he insisted on leaving to sleep under cars. Day after day, they'd search him out and take him back to his new home.

"They did it 75 times, but they had the patience and they didn't give up on him and, eventually, he ended up staying in the house," he says. "Ultimately, people do want a roof over their heads."

*heavy sigh* My SO did this for me for almost a year. Over and over and over again 'come here every night - every night come here'. Until he didn't. And here we are again.

Thank you my beloved birth parents for instilling this self destructive program into my body, heart, mind and soul.

 

[Sandstone]

Thank you @shimmerz for being strong and courageous enough to go on fighting that programme.