First, I want to thank you for all the support, understanding, thoughts as well as discussion! Three years later from my 'diagnosis' (which I initially rejected) and one year later after my original post on this website, I wanted to provide an update to my situation.
I wanted to respond to this particular question: 'why can't I simply have a seizure? Why can't I simply accept that?' Three years ago, I was half-diagnosed with epilepsy / confirmation that I'm not crazy and that I do have seizures, but I rejected the prescribed anti-seizure medication from the neurologist because; to be honest, I didn't want to believe it. I was in "denial" because I wanted to be a normal human being. Point blank, if you tell someone that you have epilepsy, they will - in their mind - label you. Granted, I didn't introduce myself as: "Hi, my name is ____. I have seizures / I have epilepsy!" In any case, I was in denial and I was trying to 'down play' the attacks. After I was diagnosed, each new doctor would ask of any medical history, and I remember with one particular doctor that I said: "No. Well - I might have epilepsy." She was confused: "What - what do you mean? You 'might' have epilepsy?!" More confusing that I don't accept it; therefore, don't take the prescribed anti-seizure medication...thus: I continue to have seizures. In which, I am knowingly harming myself.
Three days ago, I had an "attack" which kind of awakened me - if you can call it that. In the past, I've had myoclonic and atonic seizures, which are just jerks or twitches and/or "drop attacks", but I've always been conscious and known that I was falling. While I couldn't; per say, stop the seizure, I was conscious and so, could stop my fall by putting my hands up so that I don't injure my head or forehead. Well, three days ago, I can't say that I had a "drop attack" - the closest I can describe it to is that I fainted. I say this because I don't actually remember falling or what even happened, which might be evidence that the seizures might be escalating without anti-seizure medication. In more detail, what happened was that I had two small myoclonic seizures at my desk at work (mini-jerks or bodily twitches; to the normal person, this is the state when they are going to sleep and their body 'convulses'). A trigger might have been that I had drank three beers last night (I only weight 130lbs - am a lightweight), but in the morning, I didn't have a headache/hangover so I didn't think anything of it. When these convulses happened, I decided to go to a nearby Café for something to eat as to "balance out my body" - on the way there, I had two atonic seizures, in which I fell and my phone flew across the floor. These were normal though, so I didn't think anything of it except that I was annoyed that I had four seizures repeatedly after the other (this should have been a sign). After purchasing a box of berries, the last thing that I remember is walking to the elevators.
Next thing I know, I'm in a 'dream state'. It's hard to explain because I had no memory of falling, but I had apparently fallen and somehow had gotten all the berries (strawberries, blueberries) on my blue jeans. The berries was all over my jeans, which makes me think I might have had a grand mal seizure because I had somehow gotten the berries on the front and back of my jeans - I don't know how I managed that. The important thing that I want to emphasis is that I did not remember falling, having an attack, and was extremely confused when I opened my eyes. I felt like I was dreaming so I was confused as to why I was on the floor of an office building with paramedics all around me, and the Administrative Manager and Foreclosure Manager of my work nearby as well (imagine opening your eyes and seeing your boss kneeling in front of you - and just staring at him). It took a few minutes to get 'conscious' and aware of my surroundings; I have a feeling that I fell asleep because I was disorientated of how I got here and why everyone was huddled around me. When I first saw my jeans, I thought my face was bloodied, but the Paramedic immediately explained that it was berries and not blood (I think she explained this to me two times because it took a bit to 'come to reality').
The effect of this felt like a bad case of excessive drinking (not remembering that I fell, where I felt, and being completely disorientated by time, placement, what happened). Which makes me question: has anyone else had seizures due to excessive drinking? Three drinks is nothing, but in the past, I have connected my seizures partially with excessive drinking as a way of my body "cleansing" myself and not knowing how to process the alcoholic poison; in which, the myoclonic seizures and I have to lay in bed all day in order to not induce any injuries. Am I an alcoholic? This worries me.
In any case, this has 'woken me up' in order to follow up with the original neurologist and my hope is that anti-seizure medication will work and I'll realize my stupidity and unhealthy manner of dealing with my epilepsy symptoms. There are articles that attempt to persuade people to confront their seizures because there is an argument that if you don't try to 'stop' your seizures, that your the seizures will create a pattern in your brain if they occur more often without any attempt of prevention. So, of course, that is what I am worried here, that by not actively preventing these attacks, that the seizures are escalating. A different way in which my body & mind is screaming: "Yo, take care of us!"
On a side note, if the anti-seizure medication does not work, I will be speaking to a psychotherapist/psychologist if these attacks are purely psychological, but I don't believe this will be the case because the EEGs have 'spikes' in which the neurologist has strong suspicions that I have epilepsy.
I need to take better care of myself. And not actively ignore that I need this body & mind.
