I am there as well, as a big guy who grew up surrounded by people like that. It is real, it exists, it is a widespread disease and a lack of humanity… the dirty little secret of the Good Ol’ Boys Club that I was once a part of myself. With great shame do I say this. That may be part of why I am so sickened.
I had a panic attack the morning I got up and saw the news as it was just rolling out, so I eventually rallied myself to drive through the neighborhood to calm down. Ended up with a spinning head, nearly hitting a parked car, and seeking in a mentally ill stupor the solace of my confines, safe at home. I am scared to live in this new world, to be blunt. It was all too much, all too real and too close to home.
Yesterday was spent physically and mentally locked up in panic, fear, anger, distrust … This morning I almost vomited when I remembered.
While I have not to my knowledge been sexually abused, it is within the scope of possibility for sources of my C-PTSD. I did deal with a highly narcissistic father who recently admitted (in other words) that he intentionally bullied me, in fact, reveled in it.
To see an abusive, misogynist, racist, manipulative and repugnant human being take a seat of power over me again (not to mention that in our global community) has me heart broken, panicked, and stricken with fear.
I will share with you this quote from Khalil Gibran, a great author of another age, when rhetoric meant something of elevation, not deprivation: “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest of souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” (“The Prophet” - 1923)
So, I will suit up again today and keep battling for the sake of my sanity and that of a positive future filled with light, laughter, and love. A sad time, but one filled with the opportunity to learn about and make smart decisions regarding self care.
Love and peace in my heart for those who are suffering also, regardless of our shared or distinct traumas.
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(Thank you to the site admins/owners, OP, and contributors — your words have helped, as does expressing something only a narrow population truly understands.)