Do You Ever Feel Like Your Trauma Wasn't "traumatic Enough"?

[Deleted member 34328]

@BlueOrange lol, no we've never fought before...Hopefully never will.

I just don't want to come across as being pushy or aggressive about this topic. I do have strong feelings about measuring one trauma against another. It really bothers me. Probably because I wrestled with it myself and sometimes still do.

I find it hard to read about how so many feel the same way. It's a distorted way of looking at it as well as very crippling. Hinders healing and encourages the lack of self worth, depression and many other side effects. It's just simply not true.

 

[Ronin]

I do have strong feelings about measuring one trauma against another.

While there absolutely is a thing as different severity of trauma (in all senses of the word, wounds caused), keep in mind it was the worst possible thing for you.

It doesn't have to be 'the worst'. It was 'the worst for you'. So the reaction to it, shattering to it, is just logical. It's what you're doing with the shards & how you're healing & healing clean that differs, but telling yourself it wasn't 'that bad' will probably not assist your healing very much. It was. For you.

ETA: In the land of physical injuries, shattered hip & knee are going to be a vastly different thing for a professional athlete, who trained for & lived by that career their whole life, than for someone who needed to be able to walk to work, but not much beyond that.

The same thing would cause them to have different reactions, because their lives are different. There's so many factors in causes & effects going into who had it 'worse' and why. Dwelling on that comparing is a distraction from moving forward.

 

[Symphony]

On the flip side, when people who know my past treat it like it's very serious I begin freaking out at them for treating it like it's a big deal at all. I get extremely scared at them for it.

 

[amosmorris]

Omg. This is me. I've been struggling with this thought process for awhile now--being angry with mys...

Your mention of your brother here, @Leighlee87 really resonates with me. As the older sister I think back to what my brother endured in our home growing up and it's just crystal clear for me how no person--no child--could have not been shaped deeply and painfully by what my father dished out at him (and we were treated very differently by each parent, respectively--though all problematic nonetheless). My brother generally lives a life that is majorly limited in terms of intimacy with others, comfort in his own skin, and so on....he refuses to do therapy and sticks only to medication to deal with his significant anxiety. As I have gotten deeper and deeper into therapy, he has avoided one-on-one time with me like the plague, which hurts like hell since we've always been each other's lifelines. All that to say, though: we are from the same environment and it's striking how I don't blink an eye at validating his suffering while critiquing myself for not being stronger (all the while also feeling guilty for not having protected him more)...tangled webs, huh?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

On the flip side, when people who know my past treat it like it's very serious I begin freaking out at...

You're right in that it can be very difficult for others to treat your trauma differently than you want to percieve it. I had that experience recently. I felt that it was "no big deal" - or tried to convince myself of that. My husband challenged it, that made it feel worse, then my Therapist added onto it that was devestating. Both men were correct and part of me probably knew it, but calling it for what it was was very devestating. Yes, I did freak out. So I do understand where you are coming from.

 

[sun seeker]

Deleted - sorry, I'm not in good shape tonight, shouldn't have tried posting.

 

[Tabbycat925]

I get this way sometimes. I've been working hard on not downplaying my trauma. I mean something so horrifying happened to me that my brain couldn't function and process it. It literally fried my neurons in my brain. Now some don't send the correct instructions at all and some act when they are supposed to. This is PTSD. It can be seen with special scans. It's real and none of this is a contest. My PTSD is no more complex or real than yours. I know it's hard but you have to accept that it's there. playing it off as it's not as bad will only make it worse. Look at it head on so you can work with it. it's like I tell my family I won't ever be cured but one day I'll find living to be a little easier. I'll be able to manage and be in front of the symptoms. which is all anyone can wish for, a seemingly normal life, with of course some form of happiness. chin up. Don't be the victim anymore. Be your own hero it's a lot more fun. and never listen to anyone who tells you someone else has it worse. trauma is trauma. It doesn't matter how it got there it matters how you heal it.

 

[Rumors]

Deleted - sorry, I'm not in good shape tonight, shouldn't have tried posting.

Hope you are ok....

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks, I'm okay. This happens to me a lot.

 

[Mari]

I recall I read somewhere ... Marsha Linehan, maybe?... that emotional neglect IS life threatening to a child. I believe that we know when are children that we are helpless and powerless and that our very lives depend on being protected and cared for. We know on the level of our primal brains that being ignored means being prey. My first memory of dissociating happened before I was in kindergarten and it was caused by knowing my mother was not going to protect me from being assaulted. Being assaulted didn't make me dissociate. Anticipating her cold, angry indifference did. I knew how small and vulnerable I was. I don't think you have to directly, overtly, threaten a child's life for them to be traumatized. And I imagine that you, like me, lived that terror every single day even if we couldn't articulate it.

That's very serious. You were little and it may have been that your brain that was trying to help you cope with the unfathomable has had to minimize it to further help you cope.

Scott Walker also talks about how his patients that "only" suffered neglect are often the worst off. It's as if it is an additional trauma that we mattered so little that no one would even go to the trouble to hit us.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Having just one adult, one caregiver, who can acknowledge you and help you feel safe can mean the difference between PTSD and not. If you didn't have that and maybe you were a sensitive kid to boot? That can add up to PTSD.

Believe me, I don't talk much about my trauma because it makes me feel like a whiny baby, but when I imagine my little self and her heartache and fear.. Well, it breaks my heart.

 

[aut555]

Think also trauma as a young child shapes us and draws us into more abusive situations that we have learned to have no control over. My abuse helped me miss the signs from my abusive spouse. Now that l have looked closer, l see a pattern from childhood and the emotional distance was much the same as my father but worse. So child neglect can be an on going issue until we recognise it as such. The other abuse l encountered has caused me many issues, so l have come through many traumatic things and feel that the number of things is very problematic, not the severity. Abuse has shaped my choices, some poor, my poor opinion of myself, and how l relate to others. So the aftermath of stuffs should be accounted for.

 

[katz]

I look back many times and can always remember a time when I was young, I was running home after being gang R, and was thinking to myself how "that wasn't so bad". Like being gang R is normal !!

When I finally got home, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner--so I did.

I often consider myself "fine" just because I lived thru it all. It takes a lot of thought to convince myself that NO ONE should have to "just endure it" and then go on like nothing happened.

Some times I get very angry at myself for "not telling"--then I feel guilty and blame myself for all the "stuff" that I have to deal with for the rest of my life.

Even right now, as I read what other people have gone thru, I find myself down grading what happened to me.