Relationship He Just Broke A Boundary...

[Gs172003]

Are y'all still together? How do you handle his behavior?


I want to reach out right now to talk ab...

If my husband went out of country on his own after talking to women I would be convinced he was screwing around. That's the truth. I couldn't deal with it. Especially with the way you say yours is handling it. But that is with the way mine handled the stuff HE did.

 

[dulcia]

If my husband went out of country on his own after talking to women I would be convinced he was screwing...

I do worry. We can't talk about anything when he's in his zone and he's been that way since I confronted him yesterday. So I'm sure there won't be any constructive conversation before he leaves.

 

[Gs172003]

I do worry. We can't talk about anything when he's in his zone and he's been that way since I confro...

That's not fair. I don't know if I could do that. Maybe it's time for couples counseling or a separation. But that's only my opinion.

 

[dulcia]

Staying together isn't going to make him value me, that's for sure. We've talked some this morning, but he still doesn't give any indication of regret or giving a sh*t about anything but himself. Simple questions about his behavior get turned around to "well you voted for so and so" and "because I understand the real world and you live in a bubble". Completely irrational. Yet mentions our anniversary plans like they're still on.

It's like massive self sabotage on his part. Like he's doing everything he can to grind me into the dirt before I finally leave. I feel like even bringing up couples counseling would be degrading to myself at this point.

 

[One step at a time]

It looks like you are coming to these conclusions on your own, while I've been writing this post, but I will say anyway:

his response was "in due time".

In due time?? Do I have permission to be angry on your behalf? To me there is no "due time" for honest, communication, and trust in a relationship other than now.

To me, a healthy relationship that involves PTSD has long periods of good, clear communication and mutual enjoyment, with occasional periods of isolation, marked by a signal of needing space. If I am in a bad place, my limitations are: isolation becomes relatively common, and I am not capable of signaling when I need space. At that point, I do not enter committed relationships, because I know I will need a higher level of honesty and communication from the other person than I can provide them at that moment, and I need to be in a relationship of equals.

His PTSD may be making him unready/unable for a committed relationship for whatever his reasons are, but as an adult he is responsible for knowing his limitations and being honest about them. He has continued this relationship when he is incapable of honoring his commitment to you, and that is not excused by PTSD. PTSD or not, he is responsible whenever he hurts people and he is responsible for his dishonesty and infidelity. You deserve better.

 

[dulcia]

It looks like you are coming to these conclusions on your own, while I've been writing this...

Coming to conclusions on my own aren't the same as acting reasonable and standing firm in my actions. I very much doubt myself right now.

I know I will need a higher level of honesty and communication from the other person than I can provide them at that moment, and I need to be in a relationship of equals.

I know I will need a higher level of honesty and communication from the other person than I can provide them at that moment. What do you mean by that? Could you elaborate for me? You can't provide the communication when you're in a bad place, but why not honesty?

May be basic answers I'm just not getting. Thanks for your post.

 

[Silver.]

You aren't holding your boundaries. You made a hard boundary and you immediately broke it. If you can't enforce your boundaries then this behaviour from him is going to continue. By not enforcing your boundaries you are saying that you are okay with his behaviour, the lying, the sneakiness.
To me, you aren't ready to give up on the relationship, so you need to shift your boundaries as to what you are mentally capable of enforcing.

 

[dulcia]

To me, you aren't ready to give up on the relationship, so you need to shift your boundaries as to what you are mentally capable of enforcing.

This. Any specific ideas?

 

[Silver.]

You're still talking to him, you didn't indicate (to us) that you told him there wasn't going to be anything done on the anniversary because you are no longer together because he broke a boundary. You are still talking like it's a wait and see when he gets back for the anniversary. So it still sounds to me like you are waiting on him to show you a glimmer of sorrow for his lying again.

I don't tolerate lying, period. But I understand that some people have a higher tolerance for things that I don't. But you have been putting up with this for two years.
I can't decide your boundaries, because we have different ideas of what is acceptable and what isn't. When is enough going to be enough for you and what you can handle?

 

[One step at a time]

Sorry, what I said was ambiguous. I meant "When things are bad, I can't provide the level of communication I seek in a relationship, and so I don't enter relationships." Communication is sometimes subject to PTSD - if I'm in a flashback, I'm not "here," and I cannot communicate well. Being transparent is only subject to PTSD in the context of talking about trauma: the truth of specific events can be hard and I may not be ready to talk about it, in which case I say. Honesty is not subject to PTSD for me - there is no context I can think of in which symptoms of PTSD could cause me to lie against my will. Like Silver, I value honesty very highly and have no tolerance for dishonesty.

The things I post are definitely just my way of seeing things, which is not the only way. Silver is right that you decide your own boundaries, and I hope you find peace and self-respect in whatever you choose.

 

[Gs172003]

My husband does not have PTSD I do. He had a porn addiction. Addictions come with lying. Problem is so did the guy before him. So I don't know which is him and which is me so take my advice with s grain of salt.

 

[dulcia]

So it still sounds to me like you are waiting on him to show you a glimmer of sorrow for his lying again.

I am. But I don't want to because it doesn't feel like what I'm supposed to do.

To me, you aren't ready to give up on the relationship, so you need to shift your boundaries as to what you are mentally capable of enforcing.

I feel like I didn't even know this was an option. I've been beating myself up for contacting him after he broke the boundary for which the consequence was me leaving. I'm going to have to think this one over. I don't think I know what I can handle anymore.