Therapist Insisting My Abusive Parents Love Me

[Deleted member 37343]

I'm a bit conflicted with this.. So I've told my therapist about my past with my parents and all that. Not everything but quite a bit about how they used to abuse me in any way and how manipulative they can be. Then one session she brings up the option, "Do you think they do that because they care for you? I think they're trying and you should let them in and forgive them." I know I should forgive people and all that, I don't hold grudges. But my parents is a different story and I can't forgive them for what they've done. Also, I've known them all my life and they played these games so I'm used to it and I've fallen for them before, but my therapist is only just learning about them and she's trying to tell me to make amends with them. No way in hell am I making amends with them. I spent majority of my life thinking they were great parents and giving them all, finally I realized what was going on and I don't want to go back to being blind.

 

[shimmerz]

I didn't realize that the job of a therapist was to tell their client what they should do.

That may be just me though....

Nope, I don't think so. Therapists, especially trauma therapists shouldn't be determining who you should and should not be having relationships with.

 

[Silver.]

I am with Shimmerz, who is she to tell you to forgive these abusers and let them back into your life and open the door to more possible abuse? I would be really upset if my therapist did this. Were you able to tell her that her how you felt about her suggestion?

 

[Ronin]

If they love you, and they well may 'love' you?

It isn't enough. Love is never enough. It never erases all the other things.

Seriously overstepping boundaries, that one, and they better stop what they're doing, right there.

'Forgive them'? No. Forgiveness is a choice, and abusers are never owed something so deep.

 

[scout86]

What makes your T think that your parents are trying? It might be worth exploring the reasons behind the opinion. (I say that, without any commitment one way or the other to which of you is 'right'.) It just might be interesting to hear your T's reasoning and then to have the chance to explain why you disagree.

"Do you think they do that because they care for you?

I can imagine my T asking a question like that, but he'd be wondering what I THOUGHT, not explaining someone else's behavior.

 

[Fadeaway]

That is incredibly invalidating. I once heard it said that it isn't about whether the parents felt they loved the child, but whether or not the child felt loved. You clearly did not feel loved by your parents, which means even if they did love you they did nothing to make sure that you felt it.

 

[Ronin]

I once heard it said that it isn't about whether the parents felt they loved the child, but whether or not the child felt loved.

That's a very good summary & thank you for sharing Fade.

 

[watundah]

This reminds me way too much of hearing the idea that shitty parents "did the best that they could." Bull crap. If it has taken years to learn to protect yourself form further abuse by putting distance between you and them, congrats for implementing ot. Not Ts place to suggest you open yourself up for more. You've changed, that's great. But it doesn't sound like they have. Put yourself first, hon.

 

[scout86]

I find it helpful to know that someone did 'the best they could', as opposed to them being motivated by malice. It just helps to know the difference. But doesn't mean 'the best they could' is necessarily ok. It can be pretty damaging. Not everyone should have kids! And, as my dad used to say, "If you make yourself into a doormat, don't complain when people walk over the top of you." If you know they aren't ok to be around, why would you want to be around them.

But, it still might not hurt to explore how you came to the conclusions you reached with your T. They weren't around for the journey. They might find it useful to know more about it and it never hurts to listen to opposing views. (Listening doesn't mean you have to adopt them!)

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with @shimmerz - the goal of therapy isn't to just tell us what to do. They may challenge us with recommendations, and new ways to think and act, but not "shoulds." They don't need to be our new parents.

Don't "should" yourself. Even if she is shoulding you.

You get to say no, even to your therapist. You get to tell her the option of letting them back into your life is off the table. Period.

Even if you set that boundary, it is a great idea to talk to her about it and try to hear out why she thinks it's a good idea --- be sure to tell her how you feel about it and how it affects therapy with her.

Forgiveness isn't the same as reconciliation. One can forgive and never reconcile.

Forgiveness doesn't include allowing unrepentant abusers back into your life. That's being in denial. Forgiveness of abuse and denial of abuse are not the same thing.

Unhealthy unforgiveness is when we swallow poison, hoping it harms the other person. Healthy forgiveness is about setting ourselves free. It's not really actually about the other person.

Anger and self protection can be healthy to have about what they did. The goal shouldn't be to be pissed or overly protective forever - but I'd be more concerned if you didn't feel protective about yourself at all.

Many abusers do actually love their victims. I have no doubt that my abusive parents loved me. They still did stuff that was wrong and one of fem is too dangerous to allow into my life. It's not either they loved me or they abused me. It's both. That's part of what makes abuse by parents so difficult to deal with. The good and the horrible get all mixed up - so it becomes hard to ever trust the good can be really actually good again.

 

[Gs172003]

I didn't realize that the job of a therapist was to tell their client what they should do.

That may...

Mine wanting me to get a divorce. Doesn't mean I did. It's OK to disagree.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You get to say no, even to your therapist.

Yep you do!

I don't think you need to stop using this therapist over this though. Building trust is so hard and takes a long time usually for me. But I think this could be over stepping boundries. However, I also think it is a wonderful opportunity for you to state your opinion and your thoughts on the matter and why you won't forgive (a choice and not necessary to heal) and why you won't give them a chance and why you CHOOSE these things.

And I would also, nicely, ask the therapist to not tell you what you should do but rather just state their opinion like we do here ("in my opinion") and why that is their opinion to help you form your own opinions and make your own decions. It is important that they know how you feel about this.

My therapist gives me his opinion all the time. He asks me for mine too but he freely states his own opinion. The difference is, he states it is HIS opinion and I am free to not agree and he also he never tells me what to do but helps me, gently guides me, by discussing it. Asking for my own opinions and giving me his and discussing it. He also validates my feelings on a subject by giving reasons for them.