Therapist Insisting My Abusive Parents Love Me

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Find another therapist

 

[Abstract]

I sometimes think people haven't experienced true dysfunction and so they project innocent intent onto situations/perpetrators. Especially when things have been done cleverly in a way that leaves an out responsibility wise or when there has been a lot of manipulation or gaslighting involved. It can be very hard to pin down intent. For us. And for others on the outside hearing our story.

But if we have struggled to figure it all out and at last managed to avoid the mind games and see the truth as it is then the last thing ever that we need is a therapist being taken for the ride and telling us we need to believe the manipulations. That's what your story sounds like to me.

I think people sometimes see the damage done by that betrayal or emotional abandonment and think they can fix things by encouraging contact. That would work if the person was capable of real love or healthy relationships. If not then contact can greatly increase those feelings of damage betrayal and abandonment. And worse damage the persons self belief and ability to help themselves.

The exception I think is when the person has shown some indication of new understanding, taking responsibility or change. Or when new information changes our understanding of past behaviour for the better and puts it in new light.

Some poeples idea of love may be "love" for them but not be real love. If its just self serving then that isn't love. Sometimes it can even be malice masquerading as love. Not everyone has the capacity to love in a healthy way and no amount of love counteracts abuse. The two can coexist and are two different issues. Absolutely irrelevant when it comes to deciding if one should have contact or not. Whats love got to do with it. Abusers often use the word love as a tool of manipulation.Need is also not love.

Forgiveness is a totally different topic. Forgiveness is for you to decide and for you. Not for them and it has nothing to do with your decisions about what is safe in this relationship and what isn't.

Is there any reason to think that there is new understanding or change for your parents? Any reason to believe they now won't engage in abusive behaviours or want to genuinely change? Where do you think your t got this idea from?

The problem for me with the therapist is if you feel they cannot understand or see the truth of your parents behaviour longer term. After you have tried to work through this with them over a period of time.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I'm a bit conflicted with this.. So I've told my therapist about my past with my parents and all that. N...

Yeah, I agree with most of the other members here. I would walk out of that door immediately, every time I forgave abusers they used that opportunity to only get worse.

Your therapist may have the title of a therapist, but that does not mean that a therapist can not also have an abusive past. I myself have found, that people (regardless of the profession they are in) who suggest that you forgive someone that has abused and hurt you very very often have been abusive in the past themselves and subconsciously will protect their "own" kind...... just saying.

 

[scout86]

@Abstract , I can't 'like' that enough.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

What makes your T think that your parents are trying? It might be worth exploring the reasons behind th...

I was telling her about the time my mother yelled and beat me up because I didn't text her the second I got out of school, got on the bus, got off, etc. She wants to know exactly what I'm doing, where, and why so she can keep track on me. She's even tried using a GPS application so to watch my movements. I know how some parents can get worried and paranoid for their kids, but what she does is over the top it feels.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I find it helpful to know that someone did 'the best they could', as opposed to them being motivated by...

I'm currently trying to leave them but my mom has ruined each chance I had at getting a job, I'm struggling to have her let me drive to places which makes public transport harder and when I use public transport then she can track me. Even right now, she's currently thinking about calling my clients to not let me work for them so I'll listen to her. (I'm a private worker since she's ruined other options.)

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Imho you should dump the therapist.

Forcing forgiveness can be invalidating.

Forced forgivene...

I just feel sort of let down with this therapist.. she listed in her bio that she specialized in trauma or at least has experience (she didn't specify) so I thought I'd be able to go full out talk to her over everything because I've never had the chance and she is the first therapist I've ever spoken to about all this.. and I feel like she's being just like my parents' friends who are blind to everything and think I'm just "throwing a hissy fit" by ignoring my parents when I can and not joining in on "family activities." Like it's my fault or something.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I sometimes think people haven't experienced true dysfunction and so they project innocent intent onto...

A year or so ago my parents got scared by the police when I managed to somewhat get their attention(Though even the police fell into their trap and didn't believe me..) so they really minimized their physical and light sexual abuse (to an extent..) but they still full out discourage me in a lot of things and mess with me. Only thing that's really helping me stay in the more "clear" mindset is my friend who I've confided in and she is able to help me work through what my parents are trying to do. I know she's not all knowing but it helps get an outside point of view of someone who's been raised in a very nice, friendly family home setting.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I've thought about it for a while and am hoping she meant that as a thought provoking question just to see how my point of view is on the matter.. but her tone of voice and how she reacted when I gave my answer does not support that possibility. I'm not sure.. I just don't feel like changing therapists again because I'm so close to other diagnoses and she's been given so much information that is just exhausting to have to re-explain..

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I was unable to express how I felt but I think my tone of voice slipped a bit and that told her for me. I didn't get "pissed" but I got taken aback and then upset.. but after that session I started thinking back to my childhood and it's like there are two sides. the good and bad memories. I can't know for sure if the good memories are even good, I just interpreted them that way as the child. I'm now teetering back to starting to doubt if it was even abuse. Sometimes I know for a fact that what they did was.. but especially after what the therapist said, I'm thinking, "what if they actually do care for me and I just need to give them that chance.. They're just terrible at being parents but maybe they're trying.." and then it goes to, "no. People who love you wouldn't do this for 16/17 years of your life and force you to keep it secret or threaten you..." it goes back and forth.

 

[moomin]

I'm in camp 'find a new therapist' as I think any therapist who responds like this has either not been adequately trained or is behaving defensively as they haven't worked out their stuff with their own parents. It is not their place to give advice or to second guess the motivations of people they have never met.

I am going to quote what my own therapist said after I said I was sick of people saying "but they did their best".

He said sure, they did their best. But so did Hitler. Doing your best doesn't mean it's any good.

And focusing on the abusers and not you is not okay for your therapist to do. Pushing you to have contact with people who are abusive who they've not met? Noooo.

I think forgiveness is irrelevant. If a stove burns me I don't need to forgive the stove, I need to dress and heal the burn.

 

[Gs172003]

I just feel sort of let down with this therapist.. she listed in her bio that she specialized in trauma...

Nimali as a mom...no she shouldn't have "beat you up" as you say but do you live in a bad area? Is there a reason she is so afraid of you not letting her know where she is? If I didn't know for sure my kids were safe for a good reason I'd freak out too! Not condoning... Just saying.