Therapist Insisting My Abusive Parents Love Me

[Abstract]

It's just fine to do multiple posts on your own thread in the way you have done. Not spamming.

Its breaks my heart to hear you struggling with this. Your reactions are a normal response to being controlled and dominated in the way you have been. Especially when its packaged as love.

As children we follow many things we are taught and when these are unhealthy then it can be hard to unlearn them and learn new ways of being. It can be done though.

Your parents aren't healthy and therefore the attitudes and expectations they have of you are not healthy. Leaving aside your mothers motivation at present (I would leave that until you are away from her) her threatening to contact your clients to ruin your business is blackmail. It shows her not having your interests at heart.

If you are living under someone roof there are things one would expect at your age in general. For example not blaring music late at night and waking them up. Tidying up in a reasonable way according to the households rules (as long as is reasonable). Basic human rights and independence are not something that one gives up for this. Its controlling behaviour.

As others have said a parents role is to prepare their children for independence and autonomy. And belief in themselves being able to do that. Actively undermining that to keep the child dependent, lacking in belief of ability to be autonomous, and sabotaging their means to do it is not normal.

You don't think you can or should do this because you have been brainwashed into feeling that way.

Leaving home isn't an abnormal thing that should cause a parent harm. Its not as if you are disappearing off the face of the earth. Its a normal part of life. There is nothing you need to feel guilty about.

If she phones your clients would they really be influenced by her? Could you speak to your clients? In the future it would be reasonable and normal not to give her access to their names or numbers and to set a boundary there. You have your mobile and can phone emergency services if you feel concerned about safety, At present your safety is already being effected by your parents as a result of emotional and sexual abuse. One possible reason abusive parents don't want children to have autonomy is they fear the truth of their abuse will come out.

You will probably need to post repeatedly for opinions of what is normal and thats fine. Agreed with the others that you are already showing much ability to being autonomous and are being effective already in many ways,

What are your father and mothers agenda when they argue about you?

 

[Deleted member 37343]

It's just fine to do multiple posts on your own thread in the way you have done. Not spamming.

Its bre...

It used to be every morning and night, but it's lessened to maybe every other day or maybe a few days only per week. It usually starts with my mom threatening she'll do something, like last night she threatened she'd pour her boiling water onto me, then break the mug she was holding over me. Usually when she yells, it's a real yell and even screech when she's very upset. When she starts, she reaches toward me and pinches or angrily hits my chest with a fist, but it's not a full on punch yet. She tells me about how I'm hard headed and ungrateful, she reminds me who's in charge and I'm a waste of space that she's willing to house or care for, and am lucky for it. She then gets more upset and either hits me harder, grabs my hair and yanks on it, and/or shoves me against a wall. A handful of times she's grabbed at my hair and sort of.. swung it I guess, or dragged me toward a wall. If I fall then she gets upset and kicks me to get up or yells. After her burst of anger she then sounds upset but almost a twinge of sadness in her voice when she reminds me that she won't be around for long and I'll regret not listening to her. She reminds me about how her and my dad will one day be dead and I won't have anyone. She then changes her tone and tells me about how if my friends saw "the real me" or in that state, they wouldn't want to be my friends anywhere -- that I'd be all alone.. Usually we're fighting for a good amount of time, I don't really keep track. Then she'll leave and verbally fights with my dad. I go to my room, then she barges in to either throw something at me, throw me off my chair, and/or say I'm the reason the parents fight. After a while, my dad will then come in and say I make their lives miserable and if it wasn't for me then they wouldn't be fighting and they could be having a much more peaceful life..

She's gotten better after the whole police incident. It's a lot more uncommon for her to punch or kick me now. She still verbally says things and yells/screeches.. still threatens, sometimes she still reaches out to pinch and pull at my skin and tell me I'm fat, or she will do that and chuckle saying she's "just messing around with me." Last night was the first in a while she's actually physically hit me and I'm not sure if I'm sad or relieved. I'm sore and have very light bruising.. it hurts to bend my knees and walk and my back is killing me.. but I already have bad knees and back, so I don't know. She came in while I was in the shower and wouldn't leave until I finished bathing and got dressed.. and then she left me alone for the rest of the night.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

She's usually smart about where she hits though. She does it in places that are typically covered or would be hard to spot at a glance.

 

[scout86]

Have you told your therapist all that?

If that's an accurate disruption, I believe the technical term for people like your mother is 'crazy'. And it sounds like she meets the criteria of, "a danger to others", if not herself too. What's your father doing during all this?

 

[Gs172003]

It used to be every morning and night, but it's lessened to maybe every other day or maybe a few days on...

Yeeeeah you need to go. Move in with your friend. You need OUT.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Have you told your therapist all that?

If that's an accurate disruption, I believe the technical term...

He likes to stay out of things and is up stairs or downstairs (depending on where we are) watching tv or working on his computer. he doesn't like to deal with her.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Have you told your therapist all that?

If that's an accurate disruption, I believe the technical term...

Yes I believe so, unless I'm forgetting, though she hasn't asked too much on the abuse. She did maybe.. a couple or a few times. She may be trying to get me to move on and focus on the present, but I also kind of wish I had someone to talk to about all this.. Sometimes it's hard even thinking about it, but I've never told anyone before now. Sometimes I talk to my friend but I'm worried it'll get too graphic or heavy for her, and also I'm worried about talking to her about it.. I know I'm not weak or anything, but it's also just embarrassing and I don't really know why. Maybe because my mom tells me she'll leave if she finds out, I'm not sure. Sorry.

For sure, I know that my therapist knows about the daily fighting and attacks. She knows about how my mom used to attack and threaten me. I've told her about the time my mom threatened me with a knife in her hand pointing at my eyes, about the rare times she's done stuff while I was in public or said things about me..

Another thought occurred to me that maybe my therapist could be waiting for me to bring it up..? but again, sometimes it seems like it would be awkward timing to just randomly mention it.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Yeeeeah you need to go. Move in with your friend. You need OUT.

Both my friend and I really want me to, but I have responsibilities and can't. Also, I think I'm in a contract with this temp job I have so I can't leave until the stated date. It would be over in the second week of January, but I don't know how I'd be able to afford living with my friend and I'm hesitant to raise my rates.. I know I should move out, but it feels like there are so many things tying me down in place.

 

[Justmehere]

If you keep doing what you are doing now, you will keep getting the same results.

Something needs to change. You can't change them. You can only change you and how you live your life.

And you therapist knows point blank your mother has threatened to sabatohe your job and pour boiling water on them? In the same ways you described it here? And she thinks the best course of action is for you to remain in their house and to "forgive" them?

If so, she should loose her license to practice therapy.

It's not only not awkward to go into therapy and talk about a traumatic event - that's what good therapy is all about. She's not a friend sitting down to chat about the weather or whatever is happening. when the client goes in with specific goals and topics to cover, the effectiveness of therapy usually increases quite a bit. Don't make her dig and try to figure out what's on your mind. Tell her.

 

[scout86]

Another thought occurred to me that maybe my therapist could be waiting for me to bring it up..? but again, sometimes it seems like it would be awkward timing to just randomly mention it.

I kind of wonder if your T brought up 'forgiving them' hoping to provoke exactly this conversation. I could be wrong, but that thought crossed my mind even before you told us what all has been going on. I totally get that 'awkward to bring it up out of nowhere' thing. I feel the same way a lot. But, I've tried it and it works fine. Also gets easier. Sometimes my T asks if there's anything I want to talk about. (Sometimes he asks if there's something I DON'T want to talk about too.) Sometimes he doesn't. But THIS situation is something you should bring up. Like @Justmehere said, if your T knows your mother is physically assaulting and threatening you and thinks that's ok, there's something seriously wrong.

I know I should move out, but it feels like there are so many things tying me down in place.

Those are excuses. Really. When I left my parent's house for college, I found out the rest of the world wasn't like my family. (My mother was a bit like yours. Mainly when I was really little. Long story, not as extreme, but the same general idea.) Anyway, once I got out of the house, I found out that everyone isn't THAT complicated and some people actually valued me. Who knew? I found that I liked it. I never went back. In fact, I've lived in my vehicle rather than go back, even for a few weeks. And it was the right move. I know it feels like a big step, but it's a normal part of life and, in your case, it's especially important. But talk about that with your T too.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm not sure if I'm thinking correctly or clearly.. but my mother reminded me that since I live under he...

There is respect and there is control. Your mom is crossing a line.

 

[joeylittle]

It sounds like your therapist is either highly incompetent, doesn't believe you, or don't have all the information.

I'm not saying it's OK for her to not believe you - not at all. But, just trying to spin the problem around a different way: can you think of why your therapist isn't hearing or believing what you are telling her?

Is it possible that you haven't told her everything explicitly?

Would she have any reason to doubt you? Was your therapist working with you when you were still a minor, has she ever been in contact with your parents?

I'm scratching my head here, because while I can understand a therapist thinking it's productive to help you to see things from your mom's side, (about the obsession mom has with your whereabouts). But I don't see how any competent therapist would use that particular tool if they were aware that there's actual physical abuse that has occurred.

?