Justmehere
Sponsor
You are taking some great steps beginning to connect with this therapist, get the assessment, connect with your friend, and you arare doing so at such a difficult transitional time in your life with parents who are not supporting your launching from the nest, their best, that they can control.
I am going to give a little consultative feedback ok something I'm noticing. I could be very very off, so take this lightly and with a lot of salt. And know that most of all, I don't think you are doing anything welse omg or bad, but simply trying to guard against pain in a way that might be backfiring a little.
Id like to suggest that you could benefit from being more direct and letting go of assuming what others think and know about you that you don't say.
Many trauma victims get very indirect and vague and communicate in a way where they unintentionally leave clues and hope people figure it out and know, and then get frustrated when they don't know. It develops because being more direct, open, honest, straightforward, is dangerous in some families. It's a great survival skill, until it's not. (Other people, like me, learn to survive by being too direct at times - but I used to communicate a lot like you do.)
With parents as controlling and as invasive as yours, it's ok to be vague with them. Probably really good that you are.
But with your therapist, it's not helpful.
Right now, I think folks here and your therapist are struggling to respond and make sense of what is happening because you communicate with them, with the police, with us, in a way that is kind of indirect. Vague. Hard to figure out what you are trying so hard to communicate. I don't think you are doing anyone wormhole or intentionally trying to be vague --- and it's totally your right and your choice to be vague when you want and choose. It's a smart choice with many people. But in therapy, I think it's backfiring.
You also do something I have done a lot, and most people have done a lot, which is another trauma survival skill that can help survive... until it doesn't serve us well anymore. It's what a very kind friend of mine jokingly says is "mind reading." It's where we try to guess what other people mean and feel based on clues, rather than just asking them. It can be especially hard when you have a mother who is trying to have a very enmeshed relationship with you to not try to guess and assume what other people think and to hope they will put clues together accurately out of fear of being found out.
I know you don't mean to come across this way either, and it's nothing you are doing wrong - just things I have noticed that I think are backfiring for you that might be good to begin to work on changing so that you can feel better and live the fuller life you deserve to live.
She might know the times public transit runs, but if you use public transit, you set your schedule and don't tell your mother. Vagueness on this should be good. Just go. Do everything you can to pull away from the enmeshed relationship your mother is trying to have with you. If she drives you, then she can see where you are. If you take public transit, then YOU get to choose when and WHERE you get off. It's time to hang out less at home, and more with friends, at bookstores, libraries, workforce centers, places where you can volunteer to get more work experience and make yourself more employable. Even if you loved alone, building more connections outside of home would be healthy.
If your mother is saying to you "listen to me or I will call your clients" then don't let her have access to your client list. Make it private. It's ok to say no. Set limits. You are an adult and you have that right. You may even have a business related legal duty (even if you are not in healthcare) to keep your clients private.
You are an adult. Your parents may be struggling to let go. Your therapist should be supporting your efforts to become a seperate individual from them, and should support you even in your ability to express disagreement even with your therapist. Many trauma therapists would understand this much more quickly than a trauma informed therapist. They know the value of a survivor learning to say no, even to a therapist. They will also see through any games your parents play more quickly.
This is where being more direct come into play again. If there is any sexual abuse occurring, and you want the police to do something about it, you can't just get their attention. Most of them are not detectives and can't know what you are thinking. You have to say: they are doing these specific things, I am affected in this specific way. Otherwise, I can see how someone might wrongly misinterpret what is happening as you being overly suspicious and unforgiving.
And let's be clear, unwanted touching of the sexual parts of an adult child is sexual abuse. Period. It should never happen.
If so, go. As soon as you possibly can.
They would not be offering if they felt you were a burden. Please don't try to read their minds but take this chance. I moved in with a friend of mine and her family and later, like 10 years later, they explained that they were so very relieved - yes relived - when I agreed to move in. Why? Because they wanted so badly to help and it was a delight to them to help, and because they knew it gave them a chance to give me what they were able to give to other kids too. A healthy home for a season to launch into adulthood. It's not forever. I'm sure there are a million chores they could put you to working doing. And for yourself, maybe you could plan to pay them as you find a job and/or get more schooling (you are clearly very bright.)
That time that I lived with my friend's family probably saved my life without my realizing it at the time. I was so hesitant to go, so worried I was a burden, and it was a good thing for everyone that I went.
In therapy, begin to think about ways where you can be more direct and not assume she knows how you feel and think about all this based on your tone as you describe. This is also true with the assessment coming up.
The therapist may or may not be lacking in info and/or might not have the right skill set - but try to be more direct with her and I think a lot more things will become a lot more clear and you will have better information to make these important decisions in your life and better help folks around you help you. And it will help you begin to declare yourself as a person seperate from your parents and others, by stating what you are feeling and thinking, what you want to get out of therapy, what you want to talk about.
Because it matters and you deserve to be heard, and to be your own person.
I am going to give a little consultative feedback ok something I'm noticing. I could be very very off, so take this lightly and with a lot of salt. And know that most of all, I don't think you are doing anything welse omg or bad, but simply trying to guard against pain in a way that might be backfiring a little.
Id like to suggest that you could benefit from being more direct and letting go of assuming what others think and know about you that you don't say.
Many trauma victims get very indirect and vague and communicate in a way where they unintentionally leave clues and hope people figure it out and know, and then get frustrated when they don't know. It develops because being more direct, open, honest, straightforward, is dangerous in some families. It's a great survival skill, until it's not. (Other people, like me, learn to survive by being too direct at times - but I used to communicate a lot like you do.)
With parents as controlling and as invasive as yours, it's ok to be vague with them. Probably really good that you are.
But with your therapist, it's not helpful.
Right now, I think folks here and your therapist are struggling to respond and make sense of what is happening because you communicate with them, with the police, with us, in a way that is kind of indirect. Vague. Hard to figure out what you are trying so hard to communicate. I don't think you are doing anyone wormhole or intentionally trying to be vague --- and it's totally your right and your choice to be vague when you want and choose. It's a smart choice with many people. But in therapy, I think it's backfiring.
You also do something I have done a lot, and most people have done a lot, which is another trauma survival skill that can help survive... until it doesn't serve us well anymore. It's what a very kind friend of mine jokingly says is "mind reading." It's where we try to guess what other people mean and feel based on clues, rather than just asking them. It can be especially hard when you have a mother who is trying to have a very enmeshed relationship with you to not try to guess and assume what other people think and to hope they will put clues together accurately out of fear of being found out.
I know you don't mean to come across this way either, and it's nothing you are doing wrong - just things I have noticed that I think are backfiring for you that might be good to begin to work on changing so that you can feel better and live the fuller life you deserve to live.
My mother stalked me too, still tries to from times... and it's so hard and frankly kind of confusing emotionally.
She might know the times public transit runs, but if you use public transit, you set your schedule and don't tell your mother. Vagueness on this should be good. Just go. Do everything you can to pull away from the enmeshed relationship your mother is trying to have with you. If she drives you, then she can see where you are. If you take public transit, then YOU get to choose when and WHERE you get off. It's time to hang out less at home, and more with friends, at bookstores, libraries, workforce centers, places where you can volunteer to get more work experience and make yourself more employable. Even if you loved alone, building more connections outside of home would be healthy.
If your mother is saying to you "listen to me or I will call your clients" then don't let her have access to your client list. Make it private. It's ok to say no. Set limits. You are an adult and you have that right. You may even have a business related legal duty (even if you are not in healthcare) to keep your clients private.
Ask the therapist what treatment modalities she uses to treat trauma and what is her trauma specific training based in. She should go over this with you in a detailed way. If she can't list one or two very trauma specific therapies, then she's a trauma-informed therapist, but not a trauma therapist. You will probably need a trauma therapist trained in various trauma therapies for the long run.
You are an adult. Your parents may be struggling to let go. Your therapist should be supporting your efforts to become a seperate individual from them, and should support you even in your ability to express disagreement even with your therapist. Many trauma therapists would understand this much more quickly than a trauma informed therapist. They know the value of a survivor learning to say no, even to a therapist. They will also see through any games your parents play more quickly.
What do you mean somewhat get their attention? And fell into their trap?
This is where being more direct come into play again. If there is any sexual abuse occurring, and you want the police to do something about it, you can't just get their attention. Most of them are not detectives and can't know what you are thinking. You have to say: they are doing these specific things, I am affected in this specific way. Otherwise, I can see how someone might wrongly misinterpret what is happening as you being overly suspicious and unforgiving.
And let's be clear, unwanted touching of the sexual parts of an adult child is sexual abuse. Period. It should never happen.
Is this the same friend whose family is offering you a place to stay?
If so, go. As soon as you possibly can.
They would not be offering if they felt you were a burden. Please don't try to read their minds but take this chance. I moved in with a friend of mine and her family and later, like 10 years later, they explained that they were so very relieved - yes relived - when I agreed to move in. Why? Because they wanted so badly to help and it was a delight to them to help, and because they knew it gave them a chance to give me what they were able to give to other kids too. A healthy home for a season to launch into adulthood. It's not forever. I'm sure there are a million chores they could put you to working doing. And for yourself, maybe you could plan to pay them as you find a job and/or get more schooling (you are clearly very bright.)
That time that I lived with my friend's family probably saved my life without my realizing it at the time. I was so hesitant to go, so worried I was a burden, and it was a good thing for everyone that I went.
In therapy, begin to think about ways where you can be more direct and not assume she knows how you feel and think about all this based on your tone as you describe. This is also true with the assessment coming up.
The therapist may or may not be lacking in info and/or might not have the right skill set - but try to be more direct with her and I think a lot more things will become a lot more clear and you will have better information to make these important decisions in your life and better help folks around you help you. And it will help you begin to declare yourself as a person seperate from your parents and others, by stating what you are feeling and thinking, what you want to get out of therapy, what you want to talk about.
Because it matters and you deserve to be heard, and to be your own person.
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