How Many People Say This Is Why I Am The Way I Am.

[Deleted member 12723]

I saw this earlier in another place and I used to tell people why I was the way I was in hopes of getting understanding and what a bad way to be.

I do not do this anymore thankfully.

I set myself up for all sorts of problems.

I used to explain myself with the missing pieces of me. This is very distorted thinking in my opinion and I wish there had been some sort of pamphlet that explained all of the foolish things I said so I was wondering if any of you have caught yourself doing this with others. I hope this makes sense.

Have you said this and why?

 

[ladee]

I simply tell people you really don't want to know why I am like I am. Let it suffice to say I am a work in progress.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

That is a good way to do it @ladee I used to be so naive and gullible and felt as if I was wondering in a desert wind storm. I wanted to be understood so bad that I did and said some pretty desperate things trying to get my need to be understood met. Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Hope69]

I used to tell people I have PTSD and therefore have certain reactions. In that way, I was also rejected myself. I would say; I feel bad in this situation because I have trauma, rather than"this situation feels bad to me" And then I would go on to apologize for not being what someone wanted me to be and blame myself.
SO ya, not helpful
ALso, I am careful not to divulge too much info. I feel others will get overwhelmed/bored of hearing about symptoms etc...and when I do, I tend to feel too vulnerable.
Being understood, though, is a viable need. But not many people can understand. However, when you find someone who does, it is healing. I believe that is why this board is such a good support.

 

[RavenGirl]

The only people I have ever explained myself at all to are the people who I call my "best friends." The few who were with me through thick and thin before I knew I had PTSD; and who were with me through what I call the upheaval of my life and then the reclaiming of my life. Those are really the only ones I felt had a right to know the deep, dark, inside of me.:rolleyes:

 

[RavenGirl]

I also think after hiding my past for 35 years it only seemed natural to not share... YES vulnerability is not what I showed to anyone. I wouldn't give anyone any ammunition to hurt me with. :ninja:

 

[Friday]

I used to explain myself with the missing pieces of me.

This is just one of the more beautiful things I've ever read, & needed to highlight it :D :smug: :happy:

***

I very much did the opposite. This was me. Full stop. No explanations. Just me.

So why do I find that whole concept so beautiful? That's what I've been trying to do for the past few years. Explaining me to myself. With the missing / broken pieces of me. It would have taken me about a zillion paragraphs to even get close to what you managed to capture in a single line.

Story-Time With Friday
((AKA Not super relavent, just me thinking out loud about the topic at hand))

So I've had this memory in my head for days (or since last night? Feels like days), possibly from the same post you're referencing. I was dating a trauma therapist. Disaster response colleague. My team was zodiacking about, and shifting rubble, and finding survivors & tagging map locations for recovery. His team was working with survivors. Anyhow, so we're in this hotel room in paradise in hell, and I'm kicking it in my knickers (for why IDK, sex, or laundry in the sink, or in need of a bikini... I just remember being clean-clean-clean & sated & fed & happy / life was good), so I'm just kind of dancing around the hotel room and he just looks at me and says "You are sooooooo f*cked up." Like he was seriously disturbed, bothered, concerned. This was some big fawking deal to him, and I remember my response clear as day. One of those instantaneous full body shifts. I just grinned at him, eyes all sparkly. Because I took it as a compliment. Told him he loved it, took him to bed. Hardly the last time we spoke of it. Most of the time I could distract him with sex, because it really, really, bothered him ... But every single time... It really, really didn't bother me. Yeah. I'm f*cked up? So? This is me. This is who I am. I didn't understand him hurting over me, or being angry at himself, because I was all 12 shades of broken. I was fine. FFS, me. Here. Standing in front of you. Living. Breathing. Working. Loving. Fine. I am fine.

He understood me better than I understood myself, back then. Later, much and many boyfriends later, I remember trying to explain myself to someone. <shakes head> (I didn't say I've never done it, Ive made that mistake a few times, even though my knee jerk is the opposite & equal mistake). No bueno. Never works. If I HAVE to explain something? They're not going to get it, IME. Either they understand, already, or they never will. At least not by my telling, although maybe by someone else's telling, or their own living. They may well -like the bloke from the paragraph above- understand better than me, Im not very smart, so that happens a fair bit. But if they don't understand? Before I try and explain? They're not going to. So explanations are pointless. This is me. This is who I am.

 

[ladee]

Guess what Friday said is what I was trying to say.
I learned at a very early age to put on whatever fave or body language was needed to survive.
In real life I can make myself very unapproachable. I really only remember a few asking why I was so angry. That
was my answer.
Take it or leave it.
One of the reasons I cherish this place. Even when
I feel I'm not making sense y'all get it or ask the Right questions.
I don't anyone an explanation. I may owe them an apology if my shit splashes on them. That is simply the Right thing to do.
Like Friday said....I am me.

 

[scout86]

I used to explain myself with the missing pieces of me.

I didn't realize you were a poet! :)

No, I never try to explain myself, but for different reasons. It's not been my experience that anyone wondered or anyone cared, So there's really no point. :D

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You have all helped me to realize how badly I was messed up compared to now.

@Hope69 yes definately not helpful at all. I was just a blob of unmet needs a long time ago. I can see this now.

I do not talk much about the PTSD very much anymore and yes you got the whole spiral down pat.

I would say; I feel bad in this situation because I have trauma, rather than"this situation feels bad to me" And then I would go on to apologize for not being what someone wanted me to be and blame myself.

Not helpful at all, I can so relate to this. I used to apologize for my very existance for so many years. I think it was a miracle when I got out of denial and woke up.

I have found that one person who sees and hears me and also understands me and accepts me without judgement is a person of great quality. Very important now in my selection of friends. I do not beat myself up anymore.

@RavenGirl You had more common sense than me that is for sure. I had no common sense at all and lived precariously for so many years.

I was groomed to be the perfect victim, that is what my abusive parents taught me. It worked for them perfectly but it hurt and damaged me very badly for so many years.

But if they don't understand? Before I try and explain? They're not going to. So explanations are pointless. This is me. This is who I am.

yep I can relate and thank you for the lovely compliment. I do not see the beauty you do but I will take your words for it.

Never again will I ever be revealing myself to someone that does not see nor hear me and again, I am realizing how messed up I was from my childhood I was.

Feels good actually to be where I am now. I am glad you got something out of this mess.

@scout86 I never thought of myself as a poet before so thank you.

I do not see any point to explaining myself to anyone. I have a low profile nowadays. I sure have come such a long way. Thank you for your responses everyone. It really showed me how badly f*cked up I was. Kind of doing a double take on the topic right now.

 

[Gs172003]

Gizmo.....

You're awesome

 

[RavenGirl]

Gizmo,
I honestly don't think I had or have any more common sense than you. :tdown:I just was taught by trying to tell my parents what was happening to me and having them say to me, "stop whining, stop tattling, toughen up and deal with it!" When you hear that said to you enough, you toughen up and stop trying to tell anyone about yourself or what's happening, it was purely a survival technique. I LEARNED at a very early age that if my parents won't listen then no one probably will. So who really cares about me?