D
Deleted member 12723
I am so sorry for the loss of your supportive sister. I cannot imagine all that is going on inside of you at this time.:hug:
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Death My Sister Died Last Night
- Post starter recoveringfromptsd
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- Post starter
- #26
recoveringfromptsd
Diamond Member
@brat17 Thanks for the support, whether I like it or not I am getting a lot of help, have a lot of thoughts of joining her, and everyone knows it, and is keeping me from falling into that deep black hole that comes with depression. I already attend a lot of stuff, and if I don't show, I know they will come knocking on my door to check on me. so I just struggle on.
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
((( recoveringfromptsd )))
I SO know the struggle of trying to stay afloat. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, (possibly in my overzealous reply earlier in your thread. I know I bombarded you...:hug:
I wonder if you are aware that you can check yourself into the psychiatric unit, without them "keeping" you, unless they are EXTREMELY concerned that you have a plan in place. For me, I knew that I was not going to get better. I wasn't eating, was sleeping almost around the clock with the use of anti-anxiety meds. I took them as prescribed, but continually instead of "as needed".
I had 2 young children during my first 2 admissions, and knew that I could not abandon them in the worst way possible. I knew that I could not be a good parent (I was separated from their father). I did need someone to make sure that I ate something 3 times a day, as well as not isolating which wasn't helping at all. I needed a structured environment, and each time, I knew I had done the right thing.
Truly, by being inpatient, your chances for receiving SSD are higher, and if I remember correctly, the social services department at the hospital can, with your permission, advocate for you to the government. (I could be wrong...I don't remember those times very well.
You deserve as much help as possible! I know that just the THOUGHT of going into the hospital is VERY SCARY, but it is a way to be able to receive constant medical supervision, and psychological support as well.
Just some thoughts from one who has "been there and done that". Don't give up on being able to work on your survival, and possibly learn to THRIVE! I am sure that is what your sister would have wanted...
Blessings of peace and clarity to you!
AKJ
I SO know the struggle of trying to stay afloat. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, (possibly in my overzealous reply earlier in your thread. I know I bombarded you...:hug:
I wonder if you are aware that you can check yourself into the psychiatric unit, without them "keeping" you, unless they are EXTREMELY concerned that you have a plan in place. For me, I knew that I was not going to get better. I wasn't eating, was sleeping almost around the clock with the use of anti-anxiety meds. I took them as prescribed, but continually instead of "as needed".
I had 2 young children during my first 2 admissions, and knew that I could not abandon them in the worst way possible. I knew that I could not be a good parent (I was separated from their father). I did need someone to make sure that I ate something 3 times a day, as well as not isolating which wasn't helping at all. I needed a structured environment, and each time, I knew I had done the right thing.
Truly, by being inpatient, your chances for receiving SSD are higher, and if I remember correctly, the social services department at the hospital can, with your permission, advocate for you to the government. (I could be wrong...I don't remember those times very well.
You deserve as much help as possible! I know that just the THOUGHT of going into the hospital is VERY SCARY, but it is a way to be able to receive constant medical supervision, and psychological support as well.
Just some thoughts from one who has "been there and done that". Don't give up on being able to work on your survival, and possibly learn to THRIVE! I am sure that is what your sister would have wanted...
Blessings of peace and clarity to you!
AKJ
- Post starter
- #29
recoveringfromptsd
Diamond Member
@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Let me clarify about my SSDI, I get it, its the extra help that pays the premiums and lowers my drug co-pays that I am having an issue with. Someone at Social Services I found out put a wrong code in, and like magic they keep on paying the extra help for 3 months anyway, and then I get a notice from Social Security because I was no longer getting extra help and it was paid anyway they are taking it out of my next SSDI deposit. Over $400. Social Services supposedly fixed it, but it won't take effect right away, it takes time for Social Security to sync up with them. So I may still get dinged for about $150 a month after April for a month or two. Then I will get it all back lump sum.
Problem I have is 50% of the household income went when my sister died. So I am having to deal with this BS from Social Services, when I can barely think, on top of that I am on the edge.
As to safety, well I am always brutally honest with all those who work with me, I would rather having them trust me that I will voice where my head is at with out secrets about my safety. As in the past, I was thrown into the hospital just for thinking about S/H or S/I even without a plan because back then I was considered a chronic suicide risk even when I was well. I understand that as I had tried Suicide over 25 times, and almost succeed a couple of times.
So thing are different now, my T's truly understand, and I am getting the help I needed all along now, I they can't trust my behavior when it comes to safety and error on the side of caution as it was in the past because I am not open about what I think and feel regardless of what consequences revealing such things might bring, then I would be back where I was decades ago, I was not trusted with my safety, and I did not trust to be able to reveal my level of safety.
This way, at least I can say exactly what I think and feel, and I know that they will not make me go to the hospital unless I am in imminent danger. Leaving it to me to use them and my supports to get past whatever it is.
Fact is this time, if my nephew had not been here, I most definitely would have been in the hospital, as even with him here, I had thoughts of S/I and even some planning. And yes, all my T's and such know this. The responsibility is mine to get to the ER or call for help before I get to the point where I have no control. And if I don't take that responsibility then I won't be able to be trusted on that count again.
Given my past, my T's expect me to have S/I and S/H thoughts, but the have the expectation I take the responsibility to communicate my needs. Good example is my recent crisis involving a CNP, I came extremely close to needing to be hospitalized, but they let mobile crisis follow me for a week and a half, when it became clear I needed something more, and but did not want hospitalization, and thought that would just be wasteful (parking me there for safety and nothing more). So I asked for PHP, and without any resistance at all they made it happen. And it helped.
As to the present, well I am sort of in the middle, I have S/I and S/H thinking, but I am also having to attend so much appointments and such, I don't have a chance to sink into a black depression very long without someone intervening, and it I miss any of them, they will come knocking on my door to check on me and why I was not present. So a lot of people are making it very hard for me to stay hurting all the time. Sometimes to the degree it's irritating.
I may still end up in the hospital, but it won't be because I am unsafe, it will be because I am unsafe and have no control left to manage being unsafe.
The other thing I have to worry about, is being in the hospital may actually make things worse. Besides costs I don't have the money for, the restrictive nature makes it hard to take care of things that can't wait until D/C.
Problem I have is 50% of the household income went when my sister died. So I am having to deal with this BS from Social Services, when I can barely think, on top of that I am on the edge.
As to safety, well I am always brutally honest with all those who work with me, I would rather having them trust me that I will voice where my head is at with out secrets about my safety. As in the past, I was thrown into the hospital just for thinking about S/H or S/I even without a plan because back then I was considered a chronic suicide risk even when I was well. I understand that as I had tried Suicide over 25 times, and almost succeed a couple of times.
So thing are different now, my T's truly understand, and I am getting the help I needed all along now, I they can't trust my behavior when it comes to safety and error on the side of caution as it was in the past because I am not open about what I think and feel regardless of what consequences revealing such things might bring, then I would be back where I was decades ago, I was not trusted with my safety, and I did not trust to be able to reveal my level of safety.
This way, at least I can say exactly what I think and feel, and I know that they will not make me go to the hospital unless I am in imminent danger. Leaving it to me to use them and my supports to get past whatever it is.
Fact is this time, if my nephew had not been here, I most definitely would have been in the hospital, as even with him here, I had thoughts of S/I and even some planning. And yes, all my T's and such know this. The responsibility is mine to get to the ER or call for help before I get to the point where I have no control. And if I don't take that responsibility then I won't be able to be trusted on that count again.
Given my past, my T's expect me to have S/I and S/H thoughts, but the have the expectation I take the responsibility to communicate my needs. Good example is my recent crisis involving a CNP, I came extremely close to needing to be hospitalized, but they let mobile crisis follow me for a week and a half, when it became clear I needed something more, and but did not want hospitalization, and thought that would just be wasteful (parking me there for safety and nothing more). So I asked for PHP, and without any resistance at all they made it happen. And it helped.
As to the present, well I am sort of in the middle, I have S/I and S/H thinking, but I am also having to attend so much appointments and such, I don't have a chance to sink into a black depression very long without someone intervening, and it I miss any of them, they will come knocking on my door to check on me and why I was not present. So a lot of people are making it very hard for me to stay hurting all the time. Sometimes to the degree it's irritating.
I may still end up in the hospital, but it won't be because I am unsafe, it will be because I am unsafe and have no control left to manage being unsafe.
The other thing I have to worry about, is being in the hospital may actually make things worse. Besides costs I don't have the money for, the restrictive nature makes it hard to take care of things that can't wait until D/C.
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
@recoveringfromptsd :hug:
Wow! I am SO SORRY that you have struggled for so many years and have way more experience with hospitalization than I do. I apologize if my words and suggestions have upset you....
SSD just pulled out of the help with the premium, and took almost $400 in one lump sum, since they made a mistake. At least I got a months warning. I would have had a heart attack if it was immediate. Thankfully, mostly, I am my mother's caregiver so I live with her.
You really are "between a rock and a hard place!" I now see why the loss of your sister is so difficult (putting it VERY mildly). I erred in thinking that you were in the beginning stages of filing for SSD.
Truly, I am sorry for your DEEP loss! Your new reality is more difficult than I could ever bear.
I am glad you have people who are helping by knowing you, and having your nephew, the PHP, and people who know your history...a big blessing.:hug:
You sound incredibly smart and quite special...to have survived so much! I am not saying this lightly! From what you have said, you have gone through more than I can even come close to remembering, and you probably only mentioned a tiny part of what you have been through. I don't mean to sound like a "know-it-all".
The S/I is one of my issues, which is still a
"knee jerk" reaction, but less at this point.
Keep up the good work...although I see where it would be hard right now to feel like you are strong at all. You ARE! You have survived SO MUCH, that it has given you strength, even if it's in the form of being irritated...you are surviving!:hug:
Blessings of Peace and Hope to you!
Wow! I am SO SORRY that you have struggled for so many years and have way more experience with hospitalization than I do. I apologize if my words and suggestions have upset you....
SSD just pulled out of the help with the premium, and took almost $400 in one lump sum, since they made a mistake. At least I got a months warning. I would have had a heart attack if it was immediate. Thankfully, mostly, I am my mother's caregiver so I live with her.
You really are "between a rock and a hard place!" I now see why the loss of your sister is so difficult (putting it VERY mildly). I erred in thinking that you were in the beginning stages of filing for SSD.
Truly, I am sorry for your DEEP loss! Your new reality is more difficult than I could ever bear.
I am glad you have people who are helping by knowing you, and having your nephew, the PHP, and people who know your history...a big blessing.:hug:
You sound incredibly smart and quite special...to have survived so much! I am not saying this lightly! From what you have said, you have gone through more than I can even come close to remembering, and you probably only mentioned a tiny part of what you have been through. I don't mean to sound like a "know-it-all".
The S/I is one of my issues, which is still a
"knee jerk" reaction, but less at this point.
Keep up the good work...although I see where it would be hard right now to feel like you are strong at all. You ARE! You have survived SO MUCH, that it has given you strength, even if it's in the form of being irritated...you are surviving!:hug:
Blessings of Peace and Hope to you!
- Post starter
- #31
recoveringfromptsd
Diamond Member
you did not upset me at all, sometimes I am just what they call informationally oriented, again its part of my hypervigilance. Sometimes I got to extremes to make sure information others have is right and understood the way I see it. So sometimes I get the "i hope i did not upset you". It's one of my faults, and yes, I have survived a lot, I have been hospitalized over 50 times. If I had every dollar that was spent on my hospitalizations i would probably be a multimillionaire.
as for the loss of my sister, that is especially hard, I have lost a half brother who we were simi-close to Feb 2015, a cousin who I was especially close to and shared some common abuse history Dec 2016, and now my sister who I was extremely close to on March 3.It's a lot of death to deal with in a two year span. My sisters was especially hard because I was there with her at the time and was told it would happen, I was holding her hand when the monitor showed her breathing stopped, and a minute later her heart flatlined. I don't know how to describe how I felt being there and watching my sister pass away. There are moments where the pain is overwhelming and other moments where I have to shut it off. I guess my brain is trying to protect me from this trauma.
I have a lot of moments where I see opportunity, but I don't act on them. But the thoughts are there never the less. Everyone seems to be doing there best to keep me out of the hospital. I know if they see me stop trying to cope, that they will intervene. So I have to try if not for me, then for them so they won't be knocking on my door or carting me off to the hospital. Besides if I had to go into the hospital I would want it to be sheppard Pratt TDU. If I go the ER route here its their ward and all that will happen there is a lot of sleep.
as for the loss of my sister, that is especially hard, I have lost a half brother who we were simi-close to Feb 2015, a cousin who I was especially close to and shared some common abuse history Dec 2016, and now my sister who I was extremely close to on March 3.It's a lot of death to deal with in a two year span. My sisters was especially hard because I was there with her at the time and was told it would happen, I was holding her hand when the monitor showed her breathing stopped, and a minute later her heart flatlined. I don't know how to describe how I felt being there and watching my sister pass away. There are moments where the pain is overwhelming and other moments where I have to shut it off. I guess my brain is trying to protect me from this trauma.
I have a lot of moments where I see opportunity, but I don't act on them. But the thoughts are there never the less. Everyone seems to be doing there best to keep me out of the hospital. I know if they see me stop trying to cope, that they will intervene. So I have to try if not for me, then for them so they won't be knocking on my door or carting me off to the hospital. Besides if I had to go into the hospital I would want it to be sheppard Pratt TDU. If I go the ER route here its their ward and all that will happen there is a lot of sleep.
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
May I send you hugs?:hug::hug: Sometimes they are better than words!
I am sorry that you have the memory of being with your sister in her final moments.
Those flashbacks are really hard to deal with. I think she would have wanted you with her if she had a choice? It will take time to see the blessing in that....
I hope you will continue to come here and let it be an outlet for whatever feelings you have. And, yes, I think you would be quite wealthy with the money from being in the hospital, especially nowadays! I don't know your beliefs about a higher power, but I think you are still here for a reason!
I was with my father when he died, and I told them to stop their efforts when I knew he wouldn't be the same person if they brought him back. He and I had discussed it before. He had been without an oxygen reading for 20 minutes, and I knew he was gone. I also held my daughter as she passed. Both were painful and I remember every detail. I do find comfort in knowing that my voice was the last one they heard.
I am SO SORRY that you have had SO MUCH loss in such a short time! It isn't fair AT ALL! I understand your hyper vigilance! How could you NOT be?
I hope you will be able to rest tonight. I'll send the "sleep angels" your way...if there is such a thing....keep on keepin on!
I am sorry that you have the memory of being with your sister in her final moments.
Those flashbacks are really hard to deal with. I think she would have wanted you with her if she had a choice? It will take time to see the blessing in that....
I hope you will continue to come here and let it be an outlet for whatever feelings you have. And, yes, I think you would be quite wealthy with the money from being in the hospital, especially nowadays! I don't know your beliefs about a higher power, but I think you are still here for a reason!
I was with my father when he died, and I told them to stop their efforts when I knew he wouldn't be the same person if they brought him back. He and I had discussed it before. He had been without an oxygen reading for 20 minutes, and I knew he was gone. I also held my daughter as she passed. Both were painful and I remember every detail. I do find comfort in knowing that my voice was the last one they heard.
I am SO SORRY that you have had SO MUCH loss in such a short time! It isn't fair AT ALL! I understand your hyper vigilance! How could you NOT be?
I hope you will be able to rest tonight. I'll send the "sleep angels" your way...if there is such a thing....keep on keepin on!
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #33
recoveringfromptsd
Diamond Member
@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ So from what you wrote you had a similar experience. In my case after they took her back to her room in ICU from the cardiac cath lab the doctor came and talked to me and told me what he found and that there was nothing he could do, when I arrived back at the ICU she had gone unresponsive when she was joking around with the nurses minutes before. I was asked about resuscitation, and knowing that she was not getting good blood flow to the brain and that there was nothing that could be done, that if she was resuscitated she would have no quality of life, if she was not brain dead. So DNR was the order. Then I went in to be with her in her final moments. I don't like being alone and would not want to die that way, so it was important to be there at the time she passed as hard as it was.
City Slicker
Platinum Member
I am holding good thoughts for you and your family as you deal with all that is happening.
- Post starter
- #36
recoveringfromptsd
Diamond Member
I am surprising holding it together, not long ago this would have landed me in the hospital immediately. So my little progress seems to go a long way. While I give myself some credit for new found strengths, to be frank this time I would have been in hospital already had it not been for others, who just won't give me the time to feel bad. My nephew when he was here was the worse, he spent so much effort trying to make me smile that it got darn right irritating.
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