DID Internal conversations but not diagnosed did?

[lostforgottensoul]

I am not diagnosed with DID but I do have parts inside of my head. I don't see them with my eyes but I do in my mind's eye. One is a small child, around 6 ish and always hiding. This part holds my early emotions. I used to be able to do like an internal tap into this part and could get those early emotions but I cannot do that anymore nor can I control when I have access to these early emotions.

It's super hard to explain but I was in my bedroom and dropped something and I had this internal multi person conversatuon in my head about hearing it fall "I heard it too. Yeah me too. It's down here, well else would it be? No, you left it in the other room..." And it sounds like normal thinking except it is all happening at once like there are more then one talking at the same time and normal thinking happens one at a time. Like normal talking to oneself. And they all have different voices. One is older and always super angry. One is always scared. And it gets very loud in my head and all mixed up as "they" all talk at the same time.

But no one takes over and thats a necessity for a DID diagnosis.

I had named alters back in the trauma. 4 total that I remember. When i left the trauma i dropped the names but have always had this internal conversation loud head thing.

I used to hear what sounded like a crowded lunchroom. Couldn't make anything out but like a crowd talking. And it would get louder and louder and louder until i wanted to slam my head into the wall. I did tell my therapist about that and he just said we needed to find out what it was. It stopped by itself about a year ago, started again a few months later then stopped again. I never did figure out what it was.

Back when I was seeking spiritual help it was advised to be demon oppression and something called demonic bondage and that I must confess my sins and pray for "god" to banish the demons or whatever.

What is this? Non-DID sort of alters internally that all speak in my head but don't take over. Is there a name for that? I can't seem to find much about this and its making feel very crazy. I always thought it was an inner child that changed ages but now realize there are 4 seperate "beings" inside of me. Its not schizophrenia. It's not just hearing voices. Its more then that.

Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Chiqui]

I have my scary and needy six years old child, my normal me, trying to clarify what is going on and an a critical and destroying being of all my inner beuty. Most of the time I spent it trying to protect the child and facing the evil bitch.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@MariaY, is it a fight or an internal conversation or both?

For me its both but its seperate. The fight is between the brainwashed me and the want-to-get-better me. But these internal "beings" like keep me company. Its weird. And its worse when I am alone. I spend most of that time involved in internal conversations and i use the noise of the tv to drown it out.

Its so hard to explain and even harder to understand.

 

[joeylittle]

This is a nice short article giving the basics on what is called 'inner speech':
Talking to ourselves: the science of the little voice in your head | Peter Moseley

I think there's a fine line between understanding the structures in our own thinking, and pathologizing them. It's not true that all inner speech is experienced as a single-voice monologue. Personally, I have overlapping interior speech. When it comes to the psychology of it, I have a different sense of the 'voice' that is especially critical, vs. the 'voice' that is purely silly, and the 'voice' that is panicking, and so on...I don't doubt that others could separate these 'voices' as well. And sometimes, the things that they say are very aligned with messages that I know relate to my trauma, or other kinds of negative scripts that I've been exposed to in my life.

None of that means I have any form of anything pathological.

In my opinion, it's always better to look to the easiest explanation first. And that gets hard when one has a diagnosed mental illness. Sometimes the easiest explanation can seem like it's related to whatever one's disorder is.

When it's clear that the major components of a diagnosis are lacking - that's when it's important to shift how one thinks about it, away from a mental health issue, and go squarely back to straight-up science.

Since they (researchers, scientists) do not fully understand the scope of inner speech, but they have discovered it's possible to differentiate between 'hearing voices' as multi-layered inner speech, vs 'hearing voices' as an indicator of a more serious mental health disorder...this means that it's as likely you're experiencing a psychiatric problem as you are simply having a normal neurological experience.

And, without there being any other symptoms that could give a context for a mental health issue - there's no reason at all to think it's anything but your own inner speech, which will naturally work exactly the way your own head works.

What is this? Non-DID sort of alters internally that all speak in my head but don't take over. Is there a name for that?

Inner speech. It's common, it's very normal, almost everyone does it. They aren't alters, it's not DID, and trying to understand the phenomenon in that context will only lead to creating a problem where there isn't one.

 

[joeylittle]

And its worse when I am alone. I spend most of that time involved in internal conversations and i use the noise of the tv to drown it out.

Try having them out loud. You may find it interesting.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

In my opinion, it's always better to look to the easiest explanation first.

Occam's razor. I can agree with that.

Personally, I have overlapping interior speech. When it comes to the psychology of it, I have a different sense of the 'voice' that is especially critical, vs. the 'voice' that is purely silly, and the 'voice' that is panicking, and so on...I don't doubt that others could separate these 'voices' as well. And sometimes, the things that they say are very aligned with messages that I know relate to my trauma, or other kinds of negative scripts that I've been exposed to in my life.

None of that means I have any form of anything pathological.

Hmmm. I guess my thought comes from "its ok to talk to yourself as long as you dont answer yourself". I get thats just a saying but I guess i never thought of normal thought being overlapping and noisy. Like just simply loud. None really conscience. Like I catch myself holding my ears or trying to drown it out with noise. Music or the tv or something. Its why i cant be in total quietness and why i must have the tv on at night. That and the light.

I guess i just pictured normal thought more conscience then this is. But its always been this way for me so its not like i have anything to compare it to.

This is a nice short article giving the basics on what is called 'inner speech':
Talking to ourselves: the science of the little voice in your head | Peter Moseley

Thanks! I'll give that a read.

Im not like wanting another disorder. Its just come to my mind. More when i thought i dropped something in my room and im like "what is that?"

I think my therapist would agree though. We've talked a bit about it. Not much but a bit. He's not concerned. The loud crowded lunchroom noise was weird and he didnt really have an answer for that but for now its gone. It just adds to the "what is that?" question. So i dunno. Will read that link though.

 

[Suzetig]

I think @joeylittle gives some good suggestions about what may be going on.

Another theory based in person centred psychotherapy is that we all have what are termed "configurations" of ourselves. It different identities or alters but parts of ourself that think and feel in a consistent way. For example, I have "professional" me and "home" me, my professional self thinks and plans and works in a way consistent with me in my varied professional roles and is the voice of reason in my internal dialogue, my home self is less formal, more relaxed and that's reflected in my thoughts and feelings.

I have other parts too, the scared child part that thinks I'm still under threat, the critical adult who still thinks I need to be punished and all of those parts can have a voice all at the same time. It's not about having different identities or alters for me and I'm definitely not DID.

Most theories of psychotherapy have explanations for internal dialogue, and most people have some kind of internal dialogue which can be noisy and disorganised and distracting, and can also feel very real. When my critical part starts it can literally be like someone standing outside of me verbally abusing me. But it's not, I know where that part of me comes from and am getting better at quietening it.

Try not to worry about what's happening, it doesn't sound that unusual to me and may well settle as you become more accepting of the different parts of your personality.

 

[Chiqui]

@MariaY, is it a fight or an internal conversation or both?

For me its bo...

I think I can understand, because I also was brainwashed within a cult for more than a decade. For me it is not a «normal inner conversation» . The cult «programming» remains, even though I have been away for years, and constantly tries to gain its old space. And it is worse when I am alone.
I use to say that It feels as if I would have a «chipbomb» instaled on my brain and its aim is to destroy me. It is hard for others to understand, but it is very real. Anyway, this is for me, may be not the same for you.


Sorry, I forgot to answer you, its both too

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Try not to worry about what's happening, it doesn't sound that unusual to me and may well settle as you become more accepting of the different parts of your personality.

Thank you! And that is something I never thought of. Who am I without the cult is being learned. Im like a child in the very early stages of figuring out who I am and maybe it has to do with that?

the scared child part that thinks I'm still under threat, the critical adult who still thinks I need to be punished and all of those parts can have a voice all at the same time.

Yes, I have those. The child thats hiding and the angry part that seems to want me to be punished...the one that decides Im bad or did bad and must be punished.

Maybe thats why I had such a hard time not doing the things that part said when i had first joined here. Why i couldnt seem to take in anything and stop myself from doing what it said. It was the loudest?

This seems to almost mix normal thought with the "programmed & the-real-me" fight that goes on constantly in my head.

The cult «programming» remains, even though I have been away for years, and constantly tries to gain its old space. And it is worse when I am alone.

YES! That happens constantly. It's a non-stop fight. Also worse when I am alone.

Maybe what all of this is or maybe I am mixing this with normal thought process? Maybe this is the unconscience loud part of it? I am not sure. Maybe I have just become aware of what all of these parts are actually saying rather then to just blindly say "i must punish because that is what i am supposed to do" but have no idea why I am "supposed to"?

I dunno.

Sadly I can't talk to my therapist about it today as planned but a good topic for next week.

 

[Twilight]

I am not diagnosed with DID but I do have parts inside of my head. I don't see them with my...

I know that spiritual people are always ready to blame eveything on demons. I am a Christian. I also have complex ptsd. I have been told by church people that my flashbacks are a "tormenting spirit". I do not believe that for a minute. The church has not "caught up" with what modern psychology knows about emotions. I know for sure that my flashbacks are repressed emotions from trauma of the past. My Chrisitian therapist agrees, so i am not self-diagnosing. I would explore the idea of DID if i were you, just bc your symptoms sounds similar to that to me, as well.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I would explore the idea of DID if i were you, just bc your symptoms sounds similar to that to me, as well.

We have. With the DSM. We as in my therapist and I. I don't fit the diagnosis criteria.

My Chrisitian therapist agrees,

My therapist is also a Christian and a pastoral counselor as well as a LMHC and all the other creditials he has. He is a pastor as well as a therapist in a secular psychriatic office. He says that most that are claimed to he "demonically opressed" are actually mentally ill or have mental health issues.

 

[Ronin]

It's not just hearing voices. Its more then that.

AFAIK voice hearers often experience the voices to have personalities and being more dimensional than a sound / commenter on qualities of the person hearing them (or more often their faults) as well.

Just to add that the way 'hearing voices' is misrepresented isn't all to the complexness of the experience either.