@Links - I want to say, I think you are doing a great job here. Coming back to the thread was probably a bit of a challenge, and whatever you decide to do - it's commendable that you are staying in this discussion, here. Well done on that.
With PTSD - we are all exposed to our individual triggers, almost constantly. What ends up getting better is not that we figure out how to eliminate all the triggers; we learn how to filter some of them, and some, we work on so they aren't triggering anymore. It's always a process of negotiating with yourself - "can I handle this right now? How much of it? How many things are coming into play right now?"...because of course, it's almost always more than one thing.
A poster said this:
This is a private therapy session. You have rights to your privacy. If the mere thought of camera being there triggers you then it triggers you. There is no need to 'negotiate' regarding that.
But its important to remember that the big goal, the end goal of therapy is to do the work you need to do around the trauma AND do the work you need to do on management skills, so that the "mere thought" of something
no longer has that kind of power over your mind. In other words -
there's a balance, always, between challenging yourself and keeping yourself as stable as you can.
This is why the whole situation is both tough, and an opportunity. People who are giving you reasons why this might not be a crisis are not trying to diminish your suffering - they are giving you ways to do what is known as 'challenging the thought'.
Our work as clients outside of session is to challenge our own thinking until we get to that point where we don't know how to understand it on our own. Those are things we can then bring to the therapist, and/or we can bring to peer support (here) - to help us think it through some more.
I was happy to read this from you:
I'm still dealing with the thought of being filmed even though its surveillance camera for him, it has a totally different thought for me. I struggle too with the idea that no one sees it. No matter how much I try to say I trust him, this idea doesn't come under trust for some reason.
These are really concrete, really great. You are identifying the three thoughts that are most difficult for you. In CBT, these would be called the 'hot' thoughts.
Can you try and write a little more about the first one: you said, it's a surveillance camera for him, but it's different for you - what does it mean for you, or what thought does it bring up - is it about the T, or the abusers? Both?.
I really don't expect everyone to understand. Who else gets triggered by rain or by cameras ? It just those happen to be triggers that I have to work with
I have a personal story, maybe it will help. When I'm doing trauma processing, I have to use a lot of focus to keep myself at a workable distance from my own memories. The sound of a door closing was a large trigger. Big trigger. Now (about 2 years later) I'm down to, it's only problematic if I'm really tired and talking about something hard. My therapist works in a group - and suddenly, one week, it was like the entire session was nothing but doors opening and closing. And, it happened again the next week. And I started to get really, really upset, because I couldn't function in there anymore. It was two things - I was terrified of doors again, and I was upset at my therapist for seeming like I was to
accept it - like it was actually manageable. And then, that thought opened up this whole trap door about believing that he actually had no awareness of what was really going on with me, and I had been talking to him for a long time about this stuff that he didn't understand, didn't care about - even though he said he did....it became a mess in my head, which made it even harder to talk about.
Eventually, I did bring it up. And we worked through it. Now, it's part of our scheduling that we take into account who else in the office has a lot of appointments booked during the time we are planning on doing hard work. Now, I'm back to doors not being as bad, even during those times.
This is just to say - what you are going through is very common. And although it would be awesome if the relationship side of working with a therapist was a non-issue all the time, the fact is, it's probably one of the more complicated human interactions that exists. Eventually, there's stuff that is about you and the therapist...and that is all part of the whole process. You are navigating how you want to handle this. And handling it will also be part of your own therapy journey, your own progress.
So,
none of this is about negotiation with the therapist. Or even compromise. It's
all about using therapy to pull apart and work through the various 'hot' thoughts that are there as a result of the trauma. Those are the things that you are working on, and this is just another way to work on them. If that makes sense.
this is my first time starting a discussion thread ever so I'm learning that too
Hey, totally.
We do have a saying here - "Take what's useful, leave the rest". PTSD support has a lot to do with being both validated and challenged. Both are useful, at different times - and you are the person who can ultimately decide what is useful, when. Just know that it's coming from a lot of people who really understand exactly where you are coming from. You aren't alone in any of this.
Hope something in there helps.