I was just fired and a complete mess!

[Beemo3780]

It is difficult when you seem like you don't have many options. I've been there. I was taking care of myself at 17, so I had to learn the best ways to make money quickly. I remember what it was like to not have any money to pay bills, or eat, and I found myself struggling while raising my daughter on my own for a few years. I didn't have a car for a while, it was rough. But one thing I refused to do was sell myself short. If the job wasn't offering a certain amount of money, I wouldn't take it. I would take contract/consultant jobs in the meantime.

I've found volunteering anywhere can help too. I've volunteered at some places where the stay at home wives of directors were also volunteering. That helps to network. I once got a job because the sister in law of the main guy in a huge law firm thought I was a sweet girl. She had a lot of time on her hands I guess and made phone calls to get me a really nice job.

Right now, I'm actually burnt out with the tech world. I've missed every Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past 10 years, and I don't really want to work 15+ hours a day anymore. I've have a completely unrelated business now, and am going back to get my Bachelor's degree in Business/Marketing.

 

[scout86]

Someone, awhile back mentioned networking to help get a job. I'm going to second that. All those puerile you did computer work for back in the day? Try to reach out to them & let them know you're looking for work. They may not have anything, but they might know sometime who does. If you made a good impression on them in the past, this is the time to cash in on it. I know the 'people' part of this can be hard, but I think you can get past that. You've done a lot of stuff that was hard.

Can you teach computer stuff? I'm thinking you can, if you can walk people through problem solving on the phone. Your state is known for its 'old people'. Many of whom like to stay in touch with families back where they came from. You could advertise your services as an all around computer problem solver. (I know your won't get rich on that, but it could be cash & help pay the bills until you get a steady job.) Think 'the gig economy'

75 seems less old the closer you get to it, trust me. If your dad wants to get a job, let him. It might do him good to get out of the house, just like it does for you. He's a grown up, he can make his own decisions & learn his own limitations if he doesn't already know them.

In going to give you some advice on your step mom & all the drama around her. This won't be easy to take, but at least think about it. Let all that shit go. That situation is what it is. There are things you can do that will make it better or worse, I'm sure. When you can, since you are all living in the same house, give preference to 'better' but don't waste your energy getting sucked in to the drama. You have bigger things to deal with and there's absolutely no up side to fighting with her. None. Nada. It didn't matter who's right or what's fair or any of that. Let it go. You will not change her mind by fighting with her. Instead, you will help her to convince herself she's right.

Focus on what you want to do next and use this as a chance to evolve. Think positive, look for opportunity. That was a crappy job. I know having it provided security and stability but, now that you don't have it, focus on a better fit. Something that's more interesting and challenging (in a good way).

 

[Sideways]

There's tonnes of great tips here. Reach out to people that you know - even if they don't have a job for you, if they know your skills, they may know someone who is hiring. And I can understand the 'burnt out' feeling, I really can. But whatever you aim for at the moment only needs to be a temp fix while you get yourself sorted. Being unemployed is going to be stressful, so take something with a view to "this is what I'm paying bills with till I find the right gig".

Worrying about your dad is great. Caring for him is great. But unless he lacks the cognitive capacity to make decisions, his decision to work or not is his. He's free to make bad decisions as well - that's his choice. When we care for someone, we can express our concern, but the deal is you support then, and if they fall flat on their face and you saw it coming? You support them.

@scout86 hit on something really important with your stepmom. Even the most ingenious manipulators in the world can't 'make' you snap. So try and take control back in your dealings with her. She's being an unreasonable bitch? At least she's consistent - so make the decision not to waste your breath. The reality is that she's your dad's partner, she's part of the package. She's also allowed to get in his ear about how much support she thinks he can/should provide. Partners do that. But your dad loves you, so trust in that, and try (nuat try) to take control of the things you can control - which is you. Getting into screaming matches with her, or anyone, isn't good for you. So look after you, and when she starts up doing her thing, stay in control of you, and walk away.

We're with you through this Lost. No ones pretending your situation isn't hard, or really shitty. It is. But you've got this. You're full of experience, you've come so so far. Don't give up.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can you teach computer stuff?

I can't teach anything. I get too frustrated. Thats kinda why anxiety and my tone of voice was a big issue at this job. Its one thing being frustrated and another thing sounding frustrated. I had an old lady once say "I'm sorry I'm stupid about this stuff and frustrating you." It made me feel sooo bad.

But I can do stuff by myself.

could advertise your services as an all around computer problem solver. (I know your won't get rich on that, but it could be cash & help pay the bills until you get a steady job.) Think 'the gig economy'

Not sure about driving to people's houses today cause of my car. I used to. But how I did that was by word of mouth only and did not advertize due to not being an actual company. I think you have to be a bonafied company to advertize?

If I do that, it won't be my sole income because it is not much money at all. Most people would rather pay The Geek Squad, pay WAY more and have crappy service due to them being a bonafied company with certifications. All of them are certified as far as I know.

75 seems less old the closer you get to it, trust me. If your dad wants to get a job, let him. It might do him good to get out of the house, just like it does for you. He's a grown up, he can make his own decisions & learn his own limitations if he doesn't already know them.

He said it once, I said no, he hasn't mentioned it again. He has been brainstorming all sorts of crazy ideas but hasn't mentioned that again. I mean if he really wants to but my thinking is he doesn't and was just thinking "I guess I could to help her". But he hasn't mentioned it since. Its more his legs that keep him from being able to work but I dont think a sit down job would work out for him. If he was talking about it I'd tell him if he really wants to but my thinking is he really doesn't but was willing to go through a ton of pain for me and thats not fair when I am more able to work then he is. And 40 yrs younger.

He just mentioned working for Ober. So I said "if you want to go ahead". I can't cause my car is too old.

Let all that shit go.

I did. And it seems she did as well. Im really hurt by how low she went by throwing all of my trauma back in my face but it is what it is. There was a lot of tension yesterday when my dad tried to make us make peace but it seems she had a "go to jesus" moment as not only is she going out of her way to be nice to me, she is doing things she has never done. Such as asking me if I can get her meds rather then asking my dad to ask me. I ordered pizza for us all Wed night, they are getting Subway for us all today and she seems to want to be a part of the brainstorming convos. I think that either my dad had a long convo with her or she just somehow gets it. So though the hurt is still there (and I am sure on her end as well) the tension is gone.

She knows just how to trigger me the most and when she learned how she does it on purpose and, I think, dialed it in more to cause my anxiety to explode. It makes me mad that I can't seem to not let her. Its not that easy. Just like any trigger I suppose but whatever.

Focus on what you want to do next and use this as a chance to evolve. Think positive, look for opportunity. That was a crappy job. I know having it provided security and stability but, now that you don't have it, focus on a better fit. Something that's more interesting and challenging (in a good way).

I'll have to settle for a crappier job that pays less but now the door is open to become certified and really self teaching this stuff to in the future getting a better one. I cant just jump in an IT job at the moment as all my knowledge is all half way and I dont know people that know people so I will get certifications to back my knowledge so I have something to show. Im going to reapply for Apple Care but they denied me last time so we'll see. They pay the most. The 3rd party call center across the street doesn't offer health insur so thats out. Spectrum is my next hope.

I still need to sign up for unemployeement. My body isn't cooroprating with me.

Reach out to people that you know - even if they don't have a job for you, if they know your skills, they may know someone who is hiring.

I dont know people. The one person I know works for a company thats not hiring and doesnt know anyone that is. I remember in my 20s working for a 3rd party call center during dial up days and and a guy with all the IT degrees and certifications couldnt get a job and said Florida is a horrible place for IT as theres no jobs in IT. Not sure if thats changed since though.

Being unemployed is going to be stressful, so take something with a view to "this is what I'm paying bills with till I find the right gig".

Yeah, thats what I am planning to do.

She's being an unreasonable bitch? At least she's consistent - so make the decision not to waste your breath.

But shes not consistent. She can be the sweetest supportive person and then BAM purposely triggering crazy bitch. Its eggshells.

And I get that it should be something I can control, but its not yet. Just as much as one cannot control a panic attack. Its anxiety that goes up to an explosive levels inside of a second and yes, I can feel it at times and I do warn, I do ask them to leave me alone, I do try to walk away just to be followed. I won't leave in a car as that wouldnt be safe. If it keeps going I can't control what comes. I am learning how to control it but it is a process. And being that my parents are the ONLY people I explode on, that says something. And normally if its one of them we get along fine. She tries really hard to get me there to prove to my dad that im crazy. And now dangerous.

My dad should know better but he seems to think in his small head that I am wrong in every single situation. Like I am wrong to try to get a car parked directly in front of my door breaking parking policy towed is wrong and training my service dog in training in an apartment complex public hallway that echos (same managing people manage both complexes so it might as well be our complex and its a public hallway that anyone can walk down) was wrong though I was in legal right to do so by State law. Any place a person can be he can be. While training Florida gives him the same rights as Service Dogs per the ADA. That convo ended up with him disagreeing with the law. So im not sure what goes on in his head where I am wrong in every situation but my step mom is all an act to try to show my dad that Im crazy.

But, even knowing that, when my anxiety is triggered it isnt as simple as setting down my phone. She never stops. She continues it by talking to herself. This apartment is small. If I think to bring my phone and my ear plugs out of my purse I could lock myself in my room and play something in my ear plugs but she goes on for hours and hours and hours.

And in the moment, I can't think. I cant think "it would be best to grab your phone and earplugs and lock yourself in your room." It just doesnt work that way. It is something I am working on. But its not as easy as most are making it out to be, in the moment.

So thats that. I get I was wrong in every way to lay hands on anyone. I get that. I take responsiblity for that. No excuses for that.

This isn't just replying to you and I'm not mad but no one is getting what happens in the moment. It is not as simple as everyone is making it out to be. What I am doing is just being quiet and if she wants to talk civil then we talk, if not then we dont. Stopping it before it can even get there is the only way to control it. Trying to prevent it. Not engaging isnt as easy as everyone is thinking either but its the way I am trying to prevent it right now. But if someone can picture being triggered back to back to back over and over and over, one building on the next is what it is. Most PTSDers can get being triggered. Think of that back to back X 10 or 20 times. Most loose all abilty to think when triggered. That is what this is. It isn't anger or anger management. It is being triggered and anxiety in explosive levels. It looks like anger but it isnt.

But your dad loves you, so trust in that, and try (nuat try

I'm trying to. At times I wonder.

We're with you through this Lost. No ones pretending your situation isn't hard, or really shitty. It is. But you've got this. You're full of experience, you've come so so far. Don't give up.

Thank you! I am trying. Im so done fighting in reality and in my head and fighting to survive but not have the abilty anymore to work 2 or 3 jobs like I used to and thats frustrating. Ive always taken care of myself on my own and have never had to depend on someone before and its so humilitating, needing daddy. It sucks but it is what it is. My therapist said the old lemon/lemonaid saying. But it just isn't as easy as it used to be where I could go out and waitress or work at fast food. What i can do physically is so small and then what I can do with PTSD is way smaller.

 

[scout86]

. I think you have to be a bonafied company to advertize?

What makes a business a business? I'm self employed. When I started this 'business', I stuck an ad in the paper. Also printed out a bunch of business cards and stuck them up in gas stations and sales barns (think 'target audience'). Now, I'd also advertise online. I was working another job in the beginning, but quit after a few months because I was busy with this. And, I really haven't advertised in years. I've got one online free ad that was a set it up & forget it thing. I've got as much work as I want. (Sometimes more.) So, if there's something service you can think of you have to offer, figure out what you want to do and where those people can be found. Ads in the local paper, flyers at the local laundromat, stuff like that. There are a couple people in my area who fix computers. I don't know anything about their credentials. One was recommended to me by someone. The other I found through an online ad. I've had both of them do work for me. In both cases, I took the computer in to them. I was happy with both and have recommended them both to other people.

My mom used her computer a lot, but was forever having small, simple problems. She finally found a guy at her church who was willing to help get sort things out. I can kind of see a demand for that kind of help. Especially in an area with a lot of older people who may not be real computer savvy. Simple stuff like putting on an anti virus program. Stuff like removing a virus. Personally, I'd rather deal with an individual I know than a big company. Some anonymous Geek Squad person doesn't have to care as much about the quality of their work as an individual does.

Everyone doesn't see it that way, but that's the angle you need to take to sell your service.

 

[joeylittle]

Since you are going to be living with Dad and Step-Mom for a bit (looks like), might be a good time to get back into some DBT distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

I hear you saying it's not easy - really truly. But, it also doesn't improve the way traditional anxiety issues improve. The way you describe it sounds very much like a BPD experience, and you are right - those often need to get managed from the inside of the flare-up. Going back to reading about emotional regulation, and seeing if you can get some of those visuals working for you, would probably be helpful.

I hear you saying that it's not anger, it's anxiety - but if you can challenge that a little, it could help you to recognize that it is probably this: you feel anxiety, you express rage. And expressing the rage likely causes you to feel both anxious and angry - which will just fuel the rage. This happens in split-seconds. That's why DBT uses words like 'regulation' and 'tolerance', instead of 'stoppage'. It's not very practical for a person dealing with strong reactivity to just be able to say 'stop' and get a lid on it.

But it's totally possible to start practicing how to turn the dial down on the intensity. Maybe your therapist could work on that with you, too?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What makes a business a business? I

Well, when my mom had her business (money laundering from the money they got from me) she had to file quarterly taxes. So dont the IRS need to know? There were other things they needed to do to make it a bonafied business but that I remember the most cause its why she did the budget the way she did and how I learned to do it. She had to have all receipts to write off etc.

It was a dry cleaning business ran out of the home. Booming. That was sarcastic. Most of the money was from me but per the IRS is was booming.

Maybe your therapist could work on that with you, too?

He is and has been. Not having a direct line to him outside of weekly visits sucks right now though.

Since you are going to be living with Dad and Step-Mom for a bit (looks like), might be a good time to get back into some DBT distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

That is a great idea!

you feel anxiety, you express rage.

Yes, it is exacly that. It comes out as rage but all I am feeling internally and physically is anxiety. Super bad anxiety. I start to shake at the hint of something anxious. So thats what my body is feeling. Shaking, heart palpitations, the whole nine. I mean, I don't know if it comes out as all rage but thats exactly how it looks. If one would be looking at it different they may see anxiety and even pain in there though. But to lay-have-no-clue people they see rage and "crazy".

It also makes itself worse. So say if she stopped, xanax would stop it. But since she doesn't it sort of keeps piling on top of itself making itself worse. So the end result is bad. I've always been able to keep my hands off people though. The fact it got that bad scares me.

 

[scout86]

These days, I file quarterly too. When I was married, we had enough 'losses' from the farm that it wasn't a problem. What my accountant tells me is, if you owe the IRS enough money at the end of a particular year, they will want you to start filing quarterly following year. I don't remember the amount, but you won't have to worry about that for awhile. If you're small, there are advantages to cash or trades. (Like maybe your mechanic needs some IT help.)

There are, legally, different types of businesses. Mine is small. There's just me. So it's not at all complicated. My income is treated just like any other individual's income. The main difference is I have to pay more social security. (Your employer pays half, so I have to pay both halves.) I have to keep track of expenses etc. That's not a huge big deal, once you get used to it. (If I stop d get groceries on my way home, without going out of my way, the millage is deductible.)

What your mom was doing I think was more complicated. (Even if it had been legal!)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What your mom was doing I think was more complicated. (Even if it had been legal!)

Well, I don't know that. It was just them 2. She did the dry cleaning and he was a delivery driver that delivered the laundry & picked up more. They were small as not having employees. Except me, the unpayed one.

So how does that work? You just file it as extra income on your normal return? The non-cash I mean.

My mechanic works under the table only but thats what makes him cheap. I can try to start up a computer fix it business again. But that is more future sense as to when & if it goes big enough to not have a day job. Before I fixed a neighbor's and she told her friends and them their friends etc. Best advertisement in my opinion. But its hard to get started that way.

I guess I just thought there was more legal stuff to do to be a real bonafied business.

 

[joeylittle]

If you need to separate the business assets from your personal assets, as protection against personal bankruptcy, then you need to create a legal entity that is the business - usually an LLC (limited liability corporation) in the US.

But if you are just an independent contractor, then no.

There is a certain amount you need to take in before you need to pay on it; you're supposed to file anyway, though I don't know that many independent contractors do, when they are starting out.

 

[Netsy]

I wasn't going to post here but I have no other place. I don't know where this...

Hi - just a quick note - to be honest i got ptsd flashback reading your story so couldnt read on - its so hard to comprehend what happens when we are so heartsore. All i can say is its going to be okey and you will see a good thing out of this in a few weeks to months and you will be happier. Dont give up and believe in yourself. I have been there and understand so dont worry it will be ok.

 

[scout86]

So how does that work? You just file it as extra income on your normal return?

Yep. There's a place for it. Paperwork is very much not my best thing. I look at the forms and decide 'I don't have to do it yet' to the point they'd pay me in jail. So I hire someone. And that's actually a business expense.

On a very small scale, you can get by without reporting anything. (This is not advice!) I haul livestock for people sometimes. They pay me. I don't report it. I don't it will ever come back to bite me.

When I first started on my own, it seemed impossibly hard. It's not, it just seemed that way.