Ok this is going to be long… I met the most wonderful guy a year ago: Warm, extremely affectionate, caring, generous, looks after himself, and no desire for social activity and leads a very quiet life. He also has no family – apparently his Mom drifted away many years ago (which is hard for me to understand a I am close with my family). We live very far from one another but I travel to his city a lot. We initially had an instant connection, and he kept asking me to come back. I suspected that he may be suffering from PTSD due to his previous profession as I do have a fair bit of knowledge about this area, but when I was with him, the warning signs weren’t really glaringly obvious. He would never talk about himself and seemed to just work a lot (despite not needing the money) and was exhausted from this. But now that I put all the pieces together, I have noticed other symptoms…. Sleep patterns, memory loss, inhibitions, fears for safety, avoids crowds, etc.
He would usually initiate contact every few days with me with brief, yet warm and sweet messages. I saw him again in July and everything was perfect. I was then back in November and everything was great but I began to feel very frustrated and insecure about lack of communication and feared he would disappear but he assured me it wasn’t going to happen. I have never come across as needy with him and have been very easy-going. If I stayed at his place, I felt like he was politely pushing me out the next day. He told me he loves spending time with me and he was spending every moment of available time he had. After I expressed my communication issue, he didn’t handle it that well, and I only saw him once after that but things seemed fine and he made plans to see me the following week, so I texted him, but never heard from him. A week later, I ended up sending a text asking him to explain why this happened and if he wants me to leave him alone. He said he was tied up with work stuff and that he was struggling to deal with the (physical) distance between us and that he tends to isolate himself in times of difficulty. But no apology at all. He then said he doesn’t want me to go away. This was completely confusing to me. He didn’t want to see me, but he doesn’t want me to go away!
We didn't have contact for 2 months, so I sent him a text to ask why he disappeared and he said that he never disappeared and that he hadn’t heard from me either. He told me he’d love to see me and in March, he sent a text saying he was thinking about me, which was the first time he initiated contact in a few months. I arrived in his city again in April, and he told me on the phone that he was excited to see me and we made plans for the weekend, and he initiated contact several times in a row. But no, I never saw him. He blamed his work. I then sent a message asking if he was free on his day off. Nothing. I then called a week later (about a week ago) and left a long message saying that if he didn’t want to see me or if he’s seeing someone else, to just let me know. Nothing. A few days ago, I sent him a text saying that I still want to see him before I leave (been in his city for 4 weeks!), and asked if he was ok and said that I am not wanting to give up on him yet. Nothing.
I would never normally hold onto something for so long and I have only seen him about 10-12 times, but I feel like I was so connected to him. Now that I have learned about shut-outs, I regret approaching it the way I did. I feel at a loss as I am not sure how to get through to him. His behavior really has hurt me because he’s the most caring and affectionate person I’ve ever known when I am with him. It’s hard for me to understand how he cannot see what he’s doing to me. It also hurts me to think he doesn’t have much support – no family, not many friends he can trust…I just want to be there for him and help him, but it’s so hard when he rejects this. He doesn’t seem to be scared of commitment as he has had many long-term relationships. I have never met any of his friends so there is no one I can ask if he is ok…
I guess my questions are for people who are suffering from PTSD…
I have clearly asked him if he wants me to leave him alone and he told me he didn’t want me to go away back in December. When I recently asked on a voicemail, he never got back to me. Should I leave him alone?
If I shouldn’t, should I check in on him at all by sending another text?
He has never properly expressed that he is suffering from PTSD, so should I let him know that I am clued on to what is going on and am there to help? Or will he feel threatened by this?
He claims to work a lot. I am not sure if this is a way to avoid me or if he is genuinely exhausted from this. He seems like a very genuine person and does not seem like a liar. Do people with PTSD often try to cover up/avoid things by lying?
Is someone capable of working long hours during a shut out period? His job does not involve a lot of social contact.
When I initially saw him over a few weeks in July, I wasn’t really shut out, but now down the track, I am. This seems to be common with these posts when things start off great. I don’t feel like we have gotten much closer since July, so I can’t say it’s because of his fear of closeness. It’s almost like he was on his best behavior then and if he had’ve shut me out so early on, he may have thought I wouldn’t stick around. Is it possible to try and control the shut outs? Or is it subconscious?
I would love to hear from people on both ends. Thank you!
He would usually initiate contact every few days with me with brief, yet warm and sweet messages. I saw him again in July and everything was perfect. I was then back in November and everything was great but I began to feel very frustrated and insecure about lack of communication and feared he would disappear but he assured me it wasn’t going to happen. I have never come across as needy with him and have been very easy-going. If I stayed at his place, I felt like he was politely pushing me out the next day. He told me he loves spending time with me and he was spending every moment of available time he had. After I expressed my communication issue, he didn’t handle it that well, and I only saw him once after that but things seemed fine and he made plans to see me the following week, so I texted him, but never heard from him. A week later, I ended up sending a text asking him to explain why this happened and if he wants me to leave him alone. He said he was tied up with work stuff and that he was struggling to deal with the (physical) distance between us and that he tends to isolate himself in times of difficulty. But no apology at all. He then said he doesn’t want me to go away. This was completely confusing to me. He didn’t want to see me, but he doesn’t want me to go away!
We didn't have contact for 2 months, so I sent him a text to ask why he disappeared and he said that he never disappeared and that he hadn’t heard from me either. He told me he’d love to see me and in March, he sent a text saying he was thinking about me, which was the first time he initiated contact in a few months. I arrived in his city again in April, and he told me on the phone that he was excited to see me and we made plans for the weekend, and he initiated contact several times in a row. But no, I never saw him. He blamed his work. I then sent a message asking if he was free on his day off. Nothing. I then called a week later (about a week ago) and left a long message saying that if he didn’t want to see me or if he’s seeing someone else, to just let me know. Nothing. A few days ago, I sent him a text saying that I still want to see him before I leave (been in his city for 4 weeks!), and asked if he was ok and said that I am not wanting to give up on him yet. Nothing.
I would never normally hold onto something for so long and I have only seen him about 10-12 times, but I feel like I was so connected to him. Now that I have learned about shut-outs, I regret approaching it the way I did. I feel at a loss as I am not sure how to get through to him. His behavior really has hurt me because he’s the most caring and affectionate person I’ve ever known when I am with him. It’s hard for me to understand how he cannot see what he’s doing to me. It also hurts me to think he doesn’t have much support – no family, not many friends he can trust…I just want to be there for him and help him, but it’s so hard when he rejects this. He doesn’t seem to be scared of commitment as he has had many long-term relationships. I have never met any of his friends so there is no one I can ask if he is ok…
I guess my questions are for people who are suffering from PTSD…
I have clearly asked him if he wants me to leave him alone and he told me he didn’t want me to go away back in December. When I recently asked on a voicemail, he never got back to me. Should I leave him alone?
If I shouldn’t, should I check in on him at all by sending another text?
He has never properly expressed that he is suffering from PTSD, so should I let him know that I am clued on to what is going on and am there to help? Or will he feel threatened by this?
He claims to work a lot. I am not sure if this is a way to avoid me or if he is genuinely exhausted from this. He seems like a very genuine person and does not seem like a liar. Do people with PTSD often try to cover up/avoid things by lying?
Is someone capable of working long hours during a shut out period? His job does not involve a lot of social contact.
When I initially saw him over a few weeks in July, I wasn’t really shut out, but now down the track, I am. This seems to be common with these posts when things start off great. I don’t feel like we have gotten much closer since July, so I can’t say it’s because of his fear of closeness. It’s almost like he was on his best behavior then and if he had’ve shut me out so early on, he may have thought I wouldn’t stick around. Is it possible to try and control the shut outs? Or is it subconscious?
I would love to hear from people on both ends. Thank you!
