Do you have trouble saying, "no."?

[EveHarrington]

It stinks when people don't abide by "no"!

I think that "no" is not just a word. It helps to have the right tone in our voice, the right look on our face, the right posture, the right body language.

And when "no" is ignored, walk away, every time, without fail.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

No. I used to, though. Especially if it was an authority figure of some sort or if I was under the influence of chemicals, substances, or simply needing a place to stay or food to eat when I was homeless. Not so much with peers, especially once I gave up my recreational drinking habits and other consumption habits that kept me stuck in some pretty low vibrational spaces. The worse I feel about myself, the harder time I have being kindly assertive with others, if that makes sense. My communication abilities have grown with increasing confidence in my self through the years.

After my failed attempts at holding a state agency I worked for accountable for multiple unethical happenings and having to deal with professional bullies all over again, I no longer have an issue with clearly and assertively expressing how I feel in any given moment. Being backed into multiple corners during that time helped me practice more than I ever wanted to. Having no one believe me about the bullying and leaving me once again feeling helpless gave me extra incentive to learn how to better navigate everyone else's bullshit.

Being a f/t step-mom to two and having to regularly communicate with their bio mom and maternal grandmother also helped greatly in the daily assertive yet kind communication practice arena. I recall an audio book I found about non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenburg being super helpful during all of those times. Also, a 20 minute you tube video on how to say no by Teal Swan really resonated and helped paint a clear picture for my brain on the dynamics that go along with the struggle.

 

[Changing4Best]

Oh, thank you! I found that Teal Swan Video:

How To Say No - Teal Swan

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Finesse and tact and voila'

 

[highwaybeauty]

I find that I have trouble convincing people, especially men, that when I say, "No." or "Don't do t...

It is not you. It is never your fault. You said "no", you said no in more ways that one. It is always the fault of the perpetrator who chooses to ignore you, who chooses to assault you, who chooses to rape you. It is not through fault of your own. I am sorry that your boundaries and your wishes have continuously been trampled on. It makes sense that you would think that it has something to do with yourself. But it is always the fault of the person who has harmed you. They chose to ignore you.

HB x

 

[Changing4Best]

It is not you. It is never your fault. You said "no", you said no in more ways that one. It is al...

Thanks, I needed to hear that. It might take awhile to sink in, but at least you wrote it and I read it and I want it to be true. That is a good start, right?

 

[Changing4Best]

When I got my first real computer, and online service as a gift from my parents on July 4th weekend of 1994, I met a man online who fell in love with me. Problem with that? I was happily married. But I have always valued friendship and was not able to convince him that I just wanted to be FRIENDS. He would play along as a "friend" for awhile, but then he would make a pass at me again. This has gone on for years. My husband has since passed away, and this man occasionally still makes passes at me, even though he knows I have a boyfriend. He has no respect for those kinds of things. He is a real "DAWG." Hound dog, like, you know?

Of course I should have let go back then in 1994, but I had no friends where I lived, I was lonely, and he was someone to talk to, email with and in general have fun with when he behaved himself. My husband put up with it for awhile, but then he said that he wanted me only to email the man and not talk on the phone with him or meet him. So I complied.

I am still in touch with this man, and he just made a pass at me a few days ago, so I am not speaking to him right now, I had thought, until he "cools off a bit." But now that I am thinking about it, maybe I just won't contact him anymore.

My last contact with him was to ask him for advice as to what to do with an ailing computer that I am writing this on here now. He gave me some advice and then asked me if I wanted him to "come over and make my computer and you (me) purr." SIGH..... he NEVER gives up!

This is a perfect example of how difficult this whole problem is for me. I have told him all along, "No." But he just does not get it! You know that old saying, "What about the word 'No.' don't you understand?"

I feel like such a weakling sometimes....

 

[intothelight]

I have told him all along, "No." But he just does not get it! You know that old saying, "What about the word 'No.' don't you understand?"

No at times needs to be followed up by action and in this case, it is best to cut off all contact. By continuing the relationship he may be interpreting it as a "chance" for more. You might want to check into some assertiveness training materials, as this can be very helpful with communication.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

As a child growing up with my parents, I was never allowed to say the word no because they considered the word no as disobedience to them. That is how controlling and abusive they were which only prepared me for a life of victimhood.

Now I can say no very well, unless the request catches me off guard and sometimes I still freeze up depending on the request. I need time to think about things I have learned so saying that at least buys me some time.

It has mostly been trial and error on my changing me, not perfect but I do manage very well now most of the time.

 

[Changing4Best]

No at times needs to be followed up by action and in this case, it is best to cut off all contact....

I wrote a LONG email to my therapist, telling her that we will need to work on this issue and explaining the whole lifelong history of it too. This is the ONE time I wish she were a MAN, so she could drill me on some communication skills with MEN. I don't really even know HOW to be assertive. It sure was nothing that was ever taught to me as a child, that I know.

 

[intothelight]

@SheilaKathy Being assertive isn't really gender, age or socioeconomic specific. It is a skill set that enables one to keep their boundaries solid and their communication crisp and crystal clear. Also assertiveness should never be confused with aggression, as aggression is not is not conducive to good communication or relationship skills.

Do talk to your therapist about it and like anything else, it can be learned and incorporated into personal interaction with practice. It exudes a quiet strength that you know who you are, what you want and where you are going. People do respond, with politeness, respect, and are less likely to cross the boundaries that you set, because they figure out pretty quick it is a waste of time.

I'm still working on it, as I needed to scale way back my aggressive tendencies. If I felt at all threatened, I was more likely to verbally take someone's head off and poop down their neck. Had to learn to regulate my responses and focused on being strong but not vicious. However, it also works the other way by learning to be strong and not freezing or running.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@SheilaKathy Being assertive isn't really gender, age or socioeconomic specifi...

Me too! @intothelight on ripping their head off & pooping down their neck LOL! I'm having to scale back re assertive vs aggression big time as well! Thank you for the visual, I love it for it used to fit me to a tee, working on it in now in therapy.