Tired of my wife's yelling

[TiredOfYelling]

My wife yells. On an average, she does it 2 or 3 times per week. Her yelling bouts last from a few minutes (rare) to several hours (more common). Most of them are directed at our 14 year old son, but some are directed at me. In her mind, we're somehow connected, anyway.

I do believe that she has legitimate grievances with me, but they're things like feeling that I'm not doing as much around the house as she is, etc. I have tried hard to work on these issues; I sometimes get overwhelmed and have trouble following up on things, which I know is really difficult for someone like her. She is very driven, and has good intentions, but she always ends up pushing herself too hard, and gets frustrated and blames me or other people. She's seen therapists before, but she's stopped. She has no intention of going again. We also tried couples counseling; she stopped this as well.

I've tried working on my own issues, and that's made a certain amount of difference. But I can't escape the fact that I just can't stand her anger and yelling. It's been like this for years. We haven't had any kind of intimacy for years, and I guess I'm caught in the classic trap of hoping that things get better. To some extent, I know they would when our children get older. I don't want to lose my family, but it's getting harder and harder to deal with the yelling and resentment. I'm unable to be the person I want--I value keeping cool, but when someone is at me like that, I often fail. Then that becomes grist for her mill. I'm at the point where divorce seems like a foregone conclusion.

She's not a classic abuser--someone that purposefully tries to segregate me from my family, etc. But I do feel traumatized by all the yelling over the years, and how I feel powerless. I have many powerful memories of her yelling at our older son when he was 8 and vulnerable, yelling hysterically when I was just a couple of days out of the hospital recovering from surgery, etc.

I would be interested in hearing anyone's perspective on this. Thanks.

 

[digger]

Which of you has PTSD?

 

[Kintsugi]

Wow. Okay, so, your wife sounds a lot like my mother, except I was her only target and it lasted from approximately age 7 to age 11 or 12. It was nearly daily, and it often lasted anywhere from 2 to 6 hours. It took me until just a few years ago to accept that this was emotional abuse that severely impacted me as an already traumatized child with a shitload of circumstantial baggage on top of these outrageous yelling sessions.

So. I really want you to hear me. Really listen to this, please.

There is no justification for regularly yelling at another person for hours. When that other person is a child, especially the assailant's child, that is f*cking child abuse.

I believe you when you say you have developed problems because of this pattern of behavior. But I think you need to forget about yourself for a minute: what about what this is doing to your son?

I don't know what the answer is, but with my history... I wish my father had known about my mother's insane behavior. He wasn't a man of much action, and he is ridiculously absent in my accounts of family life, but I do think if he had known, he would have rescued me from that hell.

 

[TiredOfYelling]

Which of you has PTSD?

Both, I would say. I have it from this, and she has it from similar criticism she got from her mother when she was a child.

 

[TiredOfYelling]

The funny thing is that my son, who I was really, really worried about, seems to be doing well. He tells me that to him, his mother's yelling is just noise. It's like taking a walk in the rain--unpleasant while it's happening, but instantly forgettable afterwards.

I do worry that when he's older, he may have issues in relationships. But for now, he seems to have a very mature perspective on all this, and he doesn't blame himself.

 

[lostnconfused]

I relate to your family history, Simply Simon.

There's only so much yelling a child can take. I tried to ignore my parents' constant yelling that went on for hours, but it eventually would become irritating because I wouldn't be able to concentrate as well on completing my homework for school or be able to go to sleep for school because they'd still be shouting at each other at 2a.m.

I wasn't allowed to complain to them about it, either, because when I did when I was a child, they'd take their anger out on me, saying that it was their house that I was living in and that I didn't have any right to "make the rules in this house."

 

[Kintsugi]

Both, I would say. I have it from this

Self diagnosis is not diagnosis. I don't know that an able-bodied adult being verbally abused by another adult necessarily qualifies as Crit A, but that's for the people with proper degrees to decide.

A fourteen-year-old can also be whipped with a belt and say it has to effect; it's still child abuse. Children do not bear the responsibility of assessing how bad their abuse is. Adult guardians, advocates, etc. are responsible for removing children from abusive environments.

Sounds like neither of you have an actual Dx of PTSD. Regardless, I'm glad you posted, because someone needs to tell you... your son is in an abusive environment. I feel for the poor kid.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

If she's not willing to go to therapy if she's not willing to change it become more of a are you willing to put up with it conversation.

Being yelled at doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria as "trauma" for ptsd (although I understand it can be traumatic). Saying that if she's being physically abusive as well or if there's another trauma in your past then you may very well meet the criteria for ptsd.

I'd suggest getting a therapist if you don't already have one. It's hard to hear but this isn't doing your kid any good it's not fair for him to be in this situation.

 

[TiredOfYelling]

Self diagnosis is not diagnosis. I don't know that an able-bodied adult being verbally abused by an...

You're right; I apologize for not properly researching this forum before posting. You raise an important point, though. I agonized about this in the past, but I'm just not sure what the best thing to do would be. My wife really loves our children, and she goes out of her way to help them. A lot of her anger stems from the fact that she pushes herself too far, gets exhausted, and then has to vent. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior, but rather to explain that the bad points are complemented by good ones. It's not clear to me which option is best for my children. If we split, they'd be with her half the time, and I'd be unable to protect them. I doubt that I'd be able to get sole custody. How could I prove anything? And would that really be best for them?

 

[TiredOfYelling]

If she's not willing to go to therapy if she's not willing to change it become more of a are y...

She's occasionally been abusive. Say, once every few years. I also went through a period lasting a number of years involving a health problem that made it difficult to work and fulfill my duties as a husband and father. In any case, again, I apologize for posting without a diagnosis of ptsd.

I have a good therapist. She and the couples counselor we met for about 4 months didn't feel that our children were in imminent danger. But I just don't know what's best.

Thanks for your feedback.

I meant to say, "She's occasionally been physically abusive..."

 

[EveHarrington]

99.999999999% of people who are abused and/or are dealing with abusers say "they aren't like this all the time!" or "he/she really is a good person!" (Well, the ones in denial.)

And 99.9999999% of abusers have a good side.....it's called the cycle of abuse. An abuser would never get a "victim" if they were total assholes about anything and everything 24/7, right from the get-go.

The truth is that you could beat the shit out of someone for five seconds a day and guess what? All the good stuff you do for 24 hours minus 5 seconds a day isn't enough to negate the bad deeds you've done.

Maybe you should also know that delayed onset PTSD is extremely common amongst those with the disorder. Yelling may not rise to the level of causing PTSD, but my point is that your son may be fine right now but extremely messed up later in life. He can't tell you if he is ok. It's very common for abused kids to normalize the abuse. It's their whole world, so it must be normal, right? Wrong.

It's your job to protect your son. If your wife refuses to get help, tell her that you will take the kids and leave. Your kids don't deserve to be treated this way. They don't deserve to be verbally abused for hours on end.

 

[scout86]

I guess I'm caught in the classic trap of hoping that things get better.

What is that hope based on?

To some extent, I know they would when our children get older.

Well, things will probably get better for the kids, because, eventually, they can leave.

I honestly don't see much there to save, as far as the relationship goes. She apparently has no desire to change, so I doubt things will change. You've made a lot of excuses for her. How about this, maybe she yells because it feels good to her in the moment and that's what matters to her?

I was married at one time and we tried couples therapy. The first session, the T said, "There are 3 options. Live with things the way they are, change them, or get out." When I told this to a friend of mine, he added, "And, if you decide to live with it the way it is, you don't get to bitch about it." (A good point, I thought.)

I had decided I didn't want to live with things the way they were. My ex decided he was too old to change. Getting out was one of the best things I've ever done. Not without complications, but a huge relief.