Would You Allow Someone To Take Care Of You?

[Manic11]

I just finished reading a really good book.
It is about a drug addict that goes to rehab.
He becomes close with his roommate and a couple others from around rehab. One of his friends was leaving the rehab facility as he was done his treatment and asked James, the main character/drug addict, if when he got out of treatment he would be his son.
James' real father was not a good father.
He accepted and from then on, James was introduced as this man's son.

Now this made me think. I have grown up without parents. I mean physically my Mother was there. Same with my Father until about eight years old. They were both abusive.
If someone who I was very close with asked me if I would be their daughter, if they could introduce me as their daughter and if I would just hold that title proudly, I would have no idea what to say.
I have a warped picture of parents. When I think of parents, I automatically think of abuse. I do not mean to offend anyone, its just automatically what I think of because that's what I was taught. When people tell me that their parents have never, ever hit them or abused them its foreign to me. So I think in a way it would be amazing to have someone who could be like a parent to me and show me what a real parent is like.

What would you do if someone offered to be like a parent to you, or to take care of you?

I'm having a hard time wording the question so I hope you understand what I'm asking!

Manic

 

[Deleted member 541]

Some of my issues deal with my caretakers growing up. (mother, grandmother) So, in all honesty. NO, I would not welcome anyone trying to parent me, or to take care of me. I think because of my childhood, and trauma, I have become a very independent person, to a fault.

Even when I am physically sick...Leave me alone. Don't mother me, don't try to help me, just leave me alone. I hate being in the hospital when I am sick, because they keep bothering me. Just leave me alone!!!!!!

 

[becvan]

No I would not and I would be very suspicious of what the hell this person really wanted.

bec

 

[a3a2]

Maniac,

I think I've read that book.

I used to be desperate for someone to parent me...now....no thank you.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm with bec on this one. I would be very concerned why someone would want to take care of me.

I get very agitated with my husband when he tries to "fix" me and I have to remind him I'm the only one who can "fix" me and take care of me. However, advise is welcomed.

Tammy

 

[2quilt]

I would be suspicious of someone who wanted to parent an adult. I can run my own life, thankyouverymuch.
I actually know someone who has "adopted" an adult with mental problems, severe uncontrolled pain and severe alcoholism. She tries to run that adopted person's life including choosing how the adopted person's pet dogs should be groomed!
Some people feel the need to "fix" other people.
I am allergic to those fixers.
This person actually has tried to fix me too, but I stopped that shit.

 

[Manic11]

I didn't mean it in the sense where they would want to parent an adult. This is the trouble I had in wording it. I just mean, if someone who is very close to you wanted to show you differently... show you that their are good people out there, etc. I was using a parent as an example as that is what I read in the book.

In the same sense, if someone is abused by their husband and their new boyfriend wants to marry them and show them that they can be a good husband and not hurt them, would you trust them enough to give them that chance?

Manic

 

[Deleted member 541]

Overcoming the trust issues is one of the goals in healing, but it's also one of the hardest to overcome with many of us. In reality, it would be great to just *allow* ourselves to trust again, but unfortunately this isn't always the case. JMO!!!!!

 

[sigh]

I think I read that book too.

Supposedly, parents are guides and teachers. I would guess that if someone feels that he/she is a parent to you, it may be because you ask many questions and they try to provide you with answers. This is not parenting in the traditional sense.

My personal example would be my mom. I really could use a Betty Crocker mom. Someone who hugged me when I came home, was glad to see me, didn't question my decisions or judgments. My real mom is a narcisisst, consumerist. materialistic nightmare. She believes I can't do anything without her help. She thinks I'm basically stupid and incompetent.

I love my boyfriend, but I would bitch him out if he tried to parent me—just like I get mad when my mom tries to mother me. When I was in college, my best friends' mom was my mom too. She made us meals, made sure we were okay, made sure we didn't date bad guys, but didn't interfere in our lives.


Now, I have just acquired a big brother. He knows what's happened to me. I know a lot about him. He has a 25 year old daughter already whom he loves very much. He wants to protect me like a big brother. I do not love him as I have only known him for a year, but I care a lot for him. I wrote him a message saying he was my "hero of the moment" and he took that very seriously. I didn't expect him to feel as protective of me as he does. I do not expect much. But the sentiment is nice. I won't be asking him things the way I might ask a big brother (I have one and we just don't get one another), I will just be riding on a little wave of someone who has confidence in me.

 

[becvan]

In the same sense, if someone is abused by their husband and their new boyfriend wants to marry them and show them that they can be a good husband and not hurt them, would you trust them enough to give them that chance?

Manic

No I would not. Again I would be suspicious of the person's motives. It doesn't matter what scenario you are using here. What is being asked is more along the lines of someone rescuing or fixing you. I don't need that. Learning that people can be good, trustworthy and not purposefully hurt you is something a person must learn with time. There is no single relationship that teaches that. I have also learned that those who think they can teach you better than what you have, usually cause a whole lot of damage in real life. May sound good in a book, it just doesn't translate well into reality.

The only person that needs to rescue me is me.

bec

 

[PerfectEmpire]

No I would not and I would be very suspicious of what the hell this person really wanted.

bec

That pretty much sums it up for me! LOL I've had people offer to take care of me like that and I immediately dissociate/withdraw every time. I don't want that sort of attention. I'm not a puppy for them to adopt.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Manic, I understood what you meant....you were saying having someone not to parent but to offer emotional support.....

Lots of good points made here, but I guess a lot of the mistrust you have for people comes from what you have experienced.

Noone can "rescue" you, noone can "fix" you, but can be there for you when you feel you need a shoulder, when you need to vent...or simply know someone is there for you.

However, there are real good and geniune people around and as human beings we all need someone to care about and that care about us, same with trust. People do not always do things to get something in return, there is not always a "hidden" agenda.

We certainly don't need someone to tell us what to do or say or "parent" us...but we do however need someone that can guide us, support us, someone that will listen without judging and that will let us be who we are.

Someone that we can talk about anything and everything and not be judged.

Having said all this, we are the ones that have to "help" and care for ourselves first before having someone do it for us....however, a little help along the way never hurts :)