Briellewannabe
Bronze Member
I'm not really sure why but things have been getting progressively worse, especially over the past two weeks. A couple weeks ago I had a particularly bad night and my boyfriend at one point had to physically stop me from doing something. I was feeling so overwhelmed and like I needed to kill myself--that I was supposed to not be here. Obviously we made it through the night. I talked to my therapists and psychiatrist, who tried to help, but there was little to be done. I don't know what I need. My psychiatrist upped my dose of Lithium (something I recently started taking) and zoloft and prazosin (for nightmares).
A couple days later I had a similar night, except this time my boyfriend called one of my therapists, as she apparently instructed him to do. We met at her office and I was a mess... I don't really remember most of it because I was crying so much and feeling things so intensely. My T apparently called this emergency assessment team to evaluate me as she didn't feel comfortable letting me go. The guy who did the evaluation recommended that they take me to the hospital, but my bf and T explained to him about my PTSD, and how being in new places and around new people can be extremely hard and they worried it'd make things worse. They agreed to release me to my bf's care as long as he took off work the next day and hid everything that needed to be hidden.
I haven't really felt better since. It's been a roller-coaster ever since, with lows and even lower lows. I SH, which made my bf upset (not at me, at the situation) and has made me hesitant in talking to him. I've started rubbing my fingers between different fabrics, like I did as a little kid, and can't seem to stop myself. My finger have blisters and are bleeding but I can't stop it.
Then the other day I was having a particularly low day and called a suicide hotline, mostly for a distraction. I talked to a lady who was nice and it helped a little bit. Towards the end she said a trigger word for me and I started breathing really fast. I needed to be done with the conversation, and I told her I was going to go on a walk and that I was okay. I had already shared with her my desires to kill myself but that I knew I didn't have means at the moment, as everything I had access to did not have a high success rate. She didn't want me to go, she was worried because of my breathing. I promised her I was fine and that I was going to be okay, but I wanted to go on a walk. I hung up and went on my walk. I left my phone at home. When I got back I had two missed calls, apparently from the hotline. I didn't think much of it. I went to work. Hours later my sisters tries to call me, and then my boyfriend. By the time I got off from my short shift I had texts from both, saying that the police called them, concerned about me.
Turns out the lady from the hotline contacted the police. The police contacted the LAST person on earth I would want them to--my mother. My mother is an abusive and neglectful mother who doesn't know where I live... well, she didn't but does now. Apparently the police told her about my call and "plans" and told her where I lived. My family knew NOTHING about that part of my life, mainly because they were responsible for a lot of it, and now it's out there. It's like someone took away the only bit of control I had in this situation. I'm devastated.
The police eventually came to my door to check up on me and deemed me fine. I was so upset though. They never once called me and decided to call my family and tell them information that is dangerous for them to have.
I'm spiraling. Things are getting so bad. I was trying to hold on, trying to get help, but it backfired. I don't know what to do. I don't have the money to move but I don't want my mom to know where I live. This didn't help. It made everything worse. I'm having such a hard time right now. I don't know what to do.
A couple days later I had a similar night, except this time my boyfriend called one of my therapists, as she apparently instructed him to do. We met at her office and I was a mess... I don't really remember most of it because I was crying so much and feeling things so intensely. My T apparently called this emergency assessment team to evaluate me as she didn't feel comfortable letting me go. The guy who did the evaluation recommended that they take me to the hospital, but my bf and T explained to him about my PTSD, and how being in new places and around new people can be extremely hard and they worried it'd make things worse. They agreed to release me to my bf's care as long as he took off work the next day and hid everything that needed to be hidden.
I haven't really felt better since. It's been a roller-coaster ever since, with lows and even lower lows. I SH, which made my bf upset (not at me, at the situation) and has made me hesitant in talking to him. I've started rubbing my fingers between different fabrics, like I did as a little kid, and can't seem to stop myself. My finger have blisters and are bleeding but I can't stop it.
Then the other day I was having a particularly low day and called a suicide hotline, mostly for a distraction. I talked to a lady who was nice and it helped a little bit. Towards the end she said a trigger word for me and I started breathing really fast. I needed to be done with the conversation, and I told her I was going to go on a walk and that I was okay. I had already shared with her my desires to kill myself but that I knew I didn't have means at the moment, as everything I had access to did not have a high success rate. She didn't want me to go, she was worried because of my breathing. I promised her I was fine and that I was going to be okay, but I wanted to go on a walk. I hung up and went on my walk. I left my phone at home. When I got back I had two missed calls, apparently from the hotline. I didn't think much of it. I went to work. Hours later my sisters tries to call me, and then my boyfriend. By the time I got off from my short shift I had texts from both, saying that the police called them, concerned about me.
Turns out the lady from the hotline contacted the police. The police contacted the LAST person on earth I would want them to--my mother. My mother is an abusive and neglectful mother who doesn't know where I live... well, she didn't but does now. Apparently the police told her about my call and "plans" and told her where I lived. My family knew NOTHING about that part of my life, mainly because they were responsible for a lot of it, and now it's out there. It's like someone took away the only bit of control I had in this situation. I'm devastated.
The police eventually came to my door to check up on me and deemed me fine. I was so upset though. They never once called me and decided to call my family and tell them information that is dangerous for them to have.
I'm spiraling. Things are getting so bad. I was trying to hold on, trying to get help, but it backfired. I don't know what to do. I don't have the money to move but I don't want my mom to know where I live. This didn't help. It made everything worse. I'm having such a hard time right now. I don't know what to do.
