Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much @She Cat , I know that you are right about everything. Logically, I realize that this is true and it is probably better this way of no contact. It is the holidays coming on that is the trigger for all of my feelings, I know this in my heart.

I feel better this morning after feeling my feelings and expressing them. What you said really helped a lot.I am probably right on time, with how I have been feeling. I know that it will take as long as it takes. I know I need to come to acceptance of things being the way that they are.

I know that I want to come to terms with this reality because then I will be better off. It is what I set my sights on. But it is the approaching holidays coming that have set me off, I know this.

I cannot even imaging what you went through when you did go back and then having to go through this all over again. I am glad that you did not succeed in killing yourself at all.

Everything you have said is so true. It really helps to know that I am on track with what is going on in my life at this time.

I know that she is not going to change at all. The best I can hope for is that my grandson who is so close to turning eighteen will eventually move out and maybe try to reconnect with me. Yet even that thought is enough to set me off.

I have been keeping busy and am doing more than I was. It does help somewhat. I know that when my grandson turns eighteen that he will be all wrapped up in his newfound freedom.

The only thing I can do is pray and hope that his eyes are opened up to see what is going on.

Anyways thank you again. Much appreciation for your help and support.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

he lied to her, because she was wanting to see Granny.... he lied to her, and of course made it look like I cared nothing about her.....

I am so sorry that you had this happen to you. Thank you for telling me though, because it made me remember how much my daughter has lied to the kids too. By texting Ez at least now....the kids know that my daughter lied because if I did not care I would not be doing this.

I hate to think what those two are going to get for Karma.... hope I'm there to see it.....

Heehee, yes I forgot about karma. They do seem due for quite a bit of it.

Can only send you lots of comforting hugs.... but that doesn't take the pain and anger away..... thinking of you Rain.... sorry you are having to go thru this because of her selfishness.....

Thank you ladee so much, I know you have so much going on and yet you continue to support me so much love and hugs to you for this. Thank you so much again:hug:

These feelings have to come out and be released so they don't destroy us which is what the narcs want. We must not let them win love.

Thank you so much cd I appreciate your support very much. I will continue to feel and to express these feelings. you are right that is what she wants is to destroy me. She must be quite angry because she has failed in doing just that.

just keep talking to us here about your feelings. If you have a therapist make full use of them as well. You can't carry this kind of burden alone darling. My best to you and a great big (((((hug))))))) if you want it. Xoxo

Thank you again, my best to you in your own life and I will be calling my therapist today.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain Just remember this..... Your grandkids have probably lived in an atmosphere where you are the devil. They’ve probably heard everything negative about you and then some. And The biggest thing... No matter how badly she treats you, she is still THEIR mother. She is the one that they will probably turn to when things turn to shit in their life, because she is mom.. So, unless they can see through her, the issues she has, or the way that she manipulates, then I would keep my expectations very low.

My oldest grandkid is 26. We haven’t really had much of a chance because of the relationship I’ve had with my daughter, but we were working on it. After she was arrested for heroin, I tried to help her out. When I did, my grandson stopped talking to me. He absolutely hates his mother, so I lost that relationship too for the opposite reason.

Sometimes we’re screwed if we DO, and sometimes if we DON’T. So keep your expectations very low....

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Bless you Rain calling your therapist is a good move darling. I'm waiting on therapy myself and am struggling with my own feelings right now about what my narcy mum has done to my eldest kid. Just hang in there love like I'm trying to do myself it's got to get better coz surely it can't get any worse right? We have to be strong for ourselves my eldest when he comes round (if he ever does) and your poor grandkids. Sending more ((((hugs)))) your way flower. We can do this!! Xxxx

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Rain Just remember this..... Your grandkids have probably lived in an atmosphere where you are the devil. They’ve probably heard everything negative about you and then some. And The biggest thing... No matter how badly she treats you, she is still THEIR mother. She is the one that they will probably turn to when things turn to shit in their life, because she is mom..

Thank you for saying this because I needed to know this. It is reality. She has been drowning them in lies and negativity about me I am sure. Probably for such a long time as well. Her true colors have finally come out and she is such a ugly person. I did not know this about her. I know that she is ill and I try to keep that in mind.

I have to keep in mind, always that she is their mother and that they both love her very much and do depend on her for everything. I am just counting on the fact that my grandson has been wanting to emanicpate himself since he was a young teenager and that he is the scapegoat and family slave. I do not know what kind of a life he is going to want to have but I suspect that my daughter better start behaving herself with him or he will flee the nest pretty fast if she keeps it up. At least he has fully bonded with me with a life long history with me and he is the one that has most of the memories that are only good.

I have been texting him and his mom has not minded at all which has kind of surprised me. He is not allowed to talk to me so your warning is not only believed but taken quite seriously. But she can not quite pull it off unless she begins to scapegoat the precious golden child, the youngest. Too much water under the bridge for Ezri.

My daughter has used and trained the youngest to spy on Ez and get him into trouble for all of his life since she has been born. It is very sick, I know, and I really should not be surprised at what all my daughter has been doing to me for God knows how long.I will always keep those two things in mind from now on.

Sometimes we’re screwed if we DO, and sometimes if we DON’T. So keep your expectations very low....

I am going to really try, you are so right on the mark. I am sorry that your grandson has left you alone due to his hate for his mom. It makes me wonder what all his mom has done to him. You never know, it takes a person a long time before they start to realize things.:hug:

Just hang in there love like I'm trying to do myself it's got to get better coz surely it can't get any worse right? We have to be strong for ourselves

I love your attitude Cd. Thank you and yes I will be strong for myself because no one else is going to do it for me. Thank you so much for being here, much appreciation.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain. What did my daughter do that her son that hates her???? She sold most of his belongings and stole money from him, including forging his checks, to fuel her dug habit. He filed charges against her, there were 18, but because he couldn’t get back from Ca to Ma for the hearing the court had to drop the charges against her. She walked out of court smiling and actually said, “I knew I’d get away with it.” She has no morals or and remorse for anything that she has done.

I honestly don’t know if they talk today, as it’s been over 3yrs since I’ve spoken to her. Her youngest has Aspergers and is mildly mentally challenged. She had him living in a van with her for 6 weeks in winter time while she shot heroin with her husband. Oh, the things she’s done!!!! And she says I was a horrible mother....... Yes, I wasn’t great and yes I spanked her and was hard on her. I drank and had way to many men in my life. I admit to all of my faults.... At least I take responsibility for my actions, and apologize when I’m wrong. Unlike her....

 

[Butterflies2023]

When you are in the moment it’s hard to climb out ... of the extreme anger. The Hate.

But remember your response is the only thing you have control over. You can be Reactive or Active.

You have more understanding or more knowledge more awareness ... use the resources.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

She walked out of court smiling and actually said, “I knew I’d get away with it.” She has no morals or and remorse for anything that she has done.

I am sorry, I have not been getting all of my alerts. Your daughter has the same attitude as my daughter and I thank you for the reminder. She has gotten away with so much crossing the lines over a long period of time and it is all going to finally catch up with her one day. Of that I am sure.

At least I take responsibility for my actions, and apologize when I’m wrong. Unlike her....

Me too. I do take responsibilty and own my own shit and I do apologize and make some kind of changes and real amends something my daughter will never do.

Thank you for sharing, I am sorry that your daughter is rotten to you and has a bad attitude just like mine.

I realized that it is almost ten months of feeling like crap for me and I am so sick and fed up with this. I know that I need a more normal or regular life and I so want to move on.

So I have made a committment not to talk about my family for an entire week because there really is not much I can do about what has been happening. So I am back in therapy and being directed into better ways of being right now which is such a huge relief.

Tomorrow I have scheduled a day of fun for myself and even though I know that I am still going to have bad days, I realized it is my life that has been so wasted for so many months. I am going to continue to work through all of this stuff and know that I will probably never get over this and the best thing I can do is to stay as busy as I can. Thanks for being there for me, I really appreciate it so much more than I can say.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain No, you’ll never get over this, but you will be able to live with it and not be so wounded. Eventually it will be like a friend that just moved on and you’ll have the memories, but they won’t be painful. At least that’s how it is for me. Maybe I’m just really a bitch and don’t care, I don’t know. All I know is that for the first time in almost 30 yrs of dealing with this, her shit doesn’t bother me anymore. I no longer have guilt, heartache, depression or much of any other feeling when it comes to her.

Just keep doing things that bring you some kind of happiness, and surround yourself with healthy people and friends....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

No, you’ll never get over this, but you will be able to live with it and not be so wounded.

I kind of figured that out. Today I am feeling a tinge of pain but have some good plans to self absorb in just creating some art. It does still hurt but just not as bad today thankfully. thank you for saying this, it is a good thing to hang onto for me.:)

you’ll have the memories, but they won’t be painful.

Honestly I realize that this is going to take as long as it takes but I cannot wait until I reach that good place in my mind and heart.

All I know is that for the first time in almost 30 yrs of dealing with this, her shit doesn’t bother me anymore. I no longer have guilt, heartache, depression or much of any other feeling when it comes to her.

I will be glad when I get to this point too. Thank you for giving me some good things to hope for and hang onto.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am very happy to say that the last two days has been the beginning of something brand new for me that just have not experienced in this damned grieving process. I am beginning to not think about my family at all for bits of time that has slowly been increasing and the absence of these intrusive memories is such a great relief. I hope that this builds some momentum for me and it is a turning point for me. It sure would be nice if it is happening at long last.

The first time it happened I had spent an entire evening not thinking about them one time and this was a wonderful thing to happen to me finally. I notice that I have begun to fight back against the intruding memories of the good times we did share and they are not haunting me because I am not allowing them.

I hope that this is a sign of good health and that maybe, hopefully that I am almost done with the grieving process. I realize with my logical mind that I will still have my bad days depending on what triggers the cycle of grief again and am now prepared to fight back against them.

It would be so very good if this miracle finally happened and I see light at the end of the tunnel.

I know in both my head and my heart that this is absolutely out of my control and I have already done all that I could do or say and it did not help so either I have given up or just accepted the reality that this is reality for me and there just is not anything I can do to improve this situation at all anymore.

I have been in a deep and dark depression that lasted far too long for me.

All I know is that after that first night of not thinking about them, I am ravenous for more blessed forgetfulness. That is so hard to describe how truly wonderful this forgetfulness is. The absence of intense emotional pain of grieving is such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I am at the ten month period of no contact with my family.

Am I simply just accepting that this is my reality and am finally able to begin to move forwards finally?

I do not know because is all so new and I know how forgetting them makes me feel afterwards when I realize that time has elapsed and I was occupied in something else. I am not sure, but am very cautious and wary of it and I do not yet trust in this becoming a thing that will increase for me. I am not trying to be negative either it is just that I have had good days before and I thought I had reached a turning point but I did not.

But whatever is going on it is working for me and I am getting increasing time of this blessed forgetfulness. And it feels awesome and wonderful and I never felt like this way in such a very long time. I will keep on fighting against the intrusive grieving memories. I am fighting back against my depression which has recently had me in a choke hold.

I am also fighting for me and my benefit from a recovery and healing process and changing what I can about me including changes in diet and routines establishing new ones.

My area of weakness and vulnerability is in the moments right after I wake up and I expect it to hit between the eyes each morning until I have my cup of coffee and begin to really wake up. But that seems to be the pitfall for me in me choosing what kind of day I want to live. Another weak area is that of allowing me to become nostalgic which I am avoiding like a bad disease. That has always been a landmine to the worst emotional painful memories for me.

Whatever, something has changed inside of me and the results are almost miraculous. I am just so damned grateful to be able to forget them even for a short period of time.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

On my way home from a friends, this evening, I got hit with missing the older kid tonight. I am feeling the full pain of missing him so bad that my arms ache from wanting to give the kid a big hug. It has been a little while since I felt the brunt of this intense emotional pain and grief. Now I think I am able to write the letter that my therapist wants me to write to him telling him how it feels to be missing him so I may just do that in a bit. I am numb to the little one and my daughter. The little one just quit speaking to me and it was a text message that I had sent her and she was confused about who it was from and as soon as I said it was me she disconnected and no word since so I have just basically written her off as she is so young and seems so brainwashed from my daughter that I have actually pretty much just given up on her and do not think I will have a chance in hell to be reconnected to her, thanks Sarah.:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

Yet the oldest one I was very close to and we were close, very close. Maybe I miss him because I was at my friends and her son was there. Who knows what triggered me tonight. Yeah it was the fact that my friend has contact with every member of her family and it is the holidays and they are all calling her.

That was the trigger. It feels like a landmine I stepped onto and there are was an explosion and pieces of me are everywhere. I realize that his birthday is getting really close and I do have plans with forum friends to have a group party to help support me on that day. Funny, I have not been dwelling or even really thinking about my family lately.

I almost texted my grandson spilling my guts about how badly this is killing me not to have anymore contact with my family. Maybe christmas is going to be the bad holiday. All I know is that I am extremley pissed at my daughter and hurting with the grandson. It has been a really long time since I felt this way and know that this stupid process is going to take as long as it takes.

I will not text my grandson to give fuel to my daughter because she would know about how I feel if I did do that and I want to keep her in the dark. I never miss her at all anymore. My heart just does not have any shred of feelings that I know of for my daughter because she is so far away from the daughter I used to know that I think I have basically written her off as a lost cause.:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::(