Relationship Help she is driving me sane

[HusbandExiled]

My wife is highly symptomatic due to the holidays and sun spots. She has insisted that I make this account in order that I get support as well. I need support and ideas. I work 12 hour a day 5 to 6 days a week and when I come home she wants me to stay up and comfort her. My problem is that I get less that 5 hours sleep a night. Also her insomnia doesn't help my sleep deprivation. What are some quick aids to keep my thin sanity. She usually pushes me away or cannot wait for me to work overtime, but now she is demanding every waking hour; after I work long hours. She is struggling with lack of family due to the holidays, she calls it feeling isolated. She also requested that I ask the group to explain the five love languages. She says that her love languages are words of affirmation.

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry, this won't be the response that your wife wants. SHE is responsible for her not being able to sleep.

Anyone who can't figure out that with all those hours you are putting in, that it is necessary that you get your sleep, needs a dose of reality. It isn't up to you to sooth her during the night. She needs to figure out how to do that for herself.

 

[NaeNae75]

I wish I was able to sleep! I put in the same kind of hours you do, and if you can sleep you need to.

You need to set some boundaries right away. It's okay to tell her your needs too, and sleep is a necessary one.

Are you able to call or text occasionally during the day? Maybe if you send her a text once in a while telling her you're thinking of her or something similar during the day she will be less needy when you get home, since words of affirmation is her self proclaimed love language.

You may want to read about the love languages and take the"quiz" to find out what your languages are too. Maybe if you understand how you love and how you prefer to be loved you can share that with her too.

Is it a possibility for her to be treated for her insomnia? I kniw my S/O and I have this problem too. Generally I'm the insomniac.I like cuddling with him though, so he will tel me when he can't talk anymore and I have to self south at that point if I want to continue to lie next to him so he gets his sleep. When he's triggered, though... he's up half the night too, then we're both exhausted ands that leads to short tempers. So maybe explain to her that in order to be optimal mentally yourself, that you need appropriate sleep.

There's no short answer, but best of luck! Just definitely work on some boundaries to start!

 

[HusbandExiled]

Just to qualify its her nightmares. Keeping me up has only been three days wanting me to watch a show with her. It's her trauma anniversary and she has no one to spend thanksgiving with. She usually tries to drug me with melatonin to go to bed and I feel like she is ordering me to go to bed.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm having an issue with the idea that someone "insists" you create an account to ask these questions appears to be running the show in your household. Sounds to me like "love languages" are the least of her issues and you need some good nights sleep to provide for the household. But she seems to think yours is "being taken hostage to her demands".

She is responsible for her insomnia, and managing her holiday moods.

 

[The Albatross]

Don't let someone who can't properly manage their own life manage yours.

 

[Sandstone]

Why do you work such long hours? Is it because you love your job, or because you need the money, or because you want to avoid being at home, or because you feel guilty if you don't work, or ...?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

You as a supporter need boundaries, and they're just as valid as hers. Boundaries with my sufferer are what keep me from going batshit crazy.

For instance, you need sleep. That is a basic necessity for life. It is more than ok to have a bedtime. "I am going to bed at 11. I love you, but that is my bedtime. I need to sleep for my health and mental wellbeing." Then go to bed at 11. If she melts down, let her melt down.

I had a similar problem with my vet. He thought I didn't have time for him because I have to sleep for work. I used to work a different shift, so I could stay up and talk at night. I changed jobs (which HE encouraged because of the pay increase), so now I have to get up ridiculously early. I just had to let him get over himself. I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. Yes he is home all day alone and bored, then up all night with insomnia... but I still have to function. He can nap, I cannot. Unless he wants to keep me and support me financially he has to accept the situation. That's reality. PTSD doesn't change that. I still love him to pieces, and I'd much rather be spending time with him, but my kids have to eat.

Sometimes you have to just suck it up, and this is one of those times for her.

"Love language"-wise... letting you sleep is a way she can show you that she loves you. It's an act of service. Don't you need love too?

 

[Stephernovas]

Set some boundaries. She may have PTSD, but she can work on managing herself, relying on you will result in burnout which you are clearly indicating that you are heading towards given your work schedule and home demands. You cannot pour from an empty cup! Get your sleep in. If she's struggling have her write in a journal or something, and when you two have a mutual time to sit together and talk, she can tell you everything she wants to share.

 

[HusbandExiled]

There seems to be some misunderstanding as to what I was looking for. What I was looking for were ways to help her through the holidays and her trauma anniversary. But she wants me to find some ways to self care and to get support. She asked me to take a test on the love languages when I just walked in from a very stressful day at work.She states that we looked at it before and I didn't take it as seriously as she wished. She has said that she wants to know my love language so that she could make me happy so she could be happy. As to why I work so much we are in dire straits financially. She is in very server crisis. Let me try to explain the mobile crisis team. I seriously doubt that they have ever read a book on psychology. They do more harm than a group of amateurs. She has been trying to get admitted into the non locked unit for thanksgiving. But they are book 2 years in advance,or so it seems.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have you taken the quiz? That seems like it'd be the first and easiest step.

I'm not an expert on the love languages thing, but it basically seems to boil down to people express love and feel loved in different ways. Some people need to be told verbally they are loved. Some people need to have physical touch, etc. I've never taken the quiz myself, but if it is important to her and it'll make her feel better, you may as well do it and see if it helps. Couldn't hurt, right?

Do you have any kind of support system to support yourself while she is this symptomatic?

 

[Stephernovas]

is she in therapy at all? You can google the love language quiz and read it on your own. As for supporting your wife, what does your social network look like? when you're at work, is there someone she can talk to or go see? It sounds like you two are low on options, so short of being admitted to the hospital, what do you think is feasible?