The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ninja]

I don't know if I will be able to be in relationship with her.

This is tricky. My thoughts are to give yourself deep respect for the process, & to go slow with big boundaries if you need to. I don't have many words today, but wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and sending you good sleep vibes :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

This is tricky. My thoughts are to give yourself deep respect for the process, & to go slow with big...

Thank you @NinjaWolf :-) I agree entirely. :-)


The neighbor started yelling this morning, probably at her son. It affects me so badly sometimes, often, it takes me right back to being that scared, neglected, bullied daughter.

I have a lot of mother-wound processing to do before I feel ready to have her back in my life.

I feel safer and more in control not having her in my life right now.

Seeing her the other week was horrible. She really is a classic histrionic narcissist. Toxic and hurtful for me to be around. I told my Dad today, on the phone about why I didn't want him to say anything that I say to him, to her, because he told her what I'd confided in him about very early childhood abuse and she lied or denied that she had even said what she had previously about the man who drugged me (he is my suspected first rapist).

It struck me today how toxic she is when I thought about what she had previously said about the drugging. I had been drugged with magic mushrooms at three and a half and all she said about it was "well it made you happier than usual." Totally justified her small child being drugged with a power hallucinogenic drug. Whaaaaat????!!!!! That sounds very wrong to me.

I now suspect that her "psychotic" "catatonic"(not really but that was what my Dad called it, it didn't sound like real catatonia) episode was when she actually knew I had been raped as a pre-verbal toddler but chose to make it about herself and go into an extreme state so that she didn't have to deal with it. Beause it wasn't as late as I thought it had been. It was when my parents were still together, but my mum was already cheating on my Dad with the schizophrenic man. I think I was left me with his child-drugging friend as a small toddler and that was the first rape. But I'm not %100 certain, by a long shot.

I wish i had more certainty, because this uncertainty has me feeling like a crazy lady.

 

[mumstheword]

How can you say that a small child, drugged with a powerful hallucinogenic drug is "happier than usual"? I wasn't happy, mum, I was drugged! And if your drugged child was happier tripping out on shrooms, then I must have been a pretty unhappy child usually!

She liked to tell me "you were a difficult child."

Ever consider I was a traumatized, terrified child?

I used to get reoccurring nightmares. She had me sleep in an entirely different building by myself and when I would knock on her door, terrified out of my wits, she would just tell at me to "go away! Go back to bed!" Very aggressively. I was 4 and 5 years old.

I was petrified of being left alone in the car or going outside to pee at night, as all the places we lived back then had outhouses, or "dunnys" as we like to call them here in Australia.

I was scared of some faceless man, terrified of "axe murderers" of all things, that I would be chopped up. I would wake up shaking in fear, sometime shaking all night in terror, but too frightened to try to get comfort from my mum, because she would never comfort me, only yell at me and bully me and shame me if I was frightened. I was just a nuisance.

Some of her boyfriends treated me nice, but often she didn't like that either. We moved a lot. She changed boyfriends a lot. I was always scared and never secure.

 

[mumstheword]

A while lifetime of struggle and emotional pain, loneliness and terror. Soooo many people hear know what I mean, unfortunately!

Now I am counting down the days until I get to get the kind of care and safety and support I've always needed.

Right now I can hear angry yelling. Verbal violence outside. One of the neighbors, I think. I live in a very troubled part of our neighborhood in a "high crime zone" village.
People not addicted to illegal substances are a tiny minority here. Now that includes pot, in fact for most it's simply pot, and for those who thinks there is nothing awry about that, maybe you should come to my town.

Then again, I have had the "pleasure" of viewing society through the lens of someone born into trauma and abuse so perhaps I am biased. Cognitive distorted via Trauma, abuse and chronic neglect.

I was born in the height of the "Hippy revolution" here in Australia. Which happened later than it's American counterpart.

To me, it signifies many things, things of value mixed with dysfunction, immaturity and avoidance of responsibility. That is mostly because of how my mother chose to live.

Drugs, lots of sex with different people, not working, avoiding "normal" society, and then there was her personality disordered chaos that I was subject to. I remember thinking at quite a young age "If this is sanity, I'd rather be crazy." And it did drive me insane. The insanity of self-loathing and disgusr, hopelessness, bitter resentment and frustration, deregulated eating, depression, numbness, no-one-to-turn-to-ness, fear and terror of the world and all the people in it.

I cut, I starved, I let people treat me as a sex thing, I drank to obliterate myself, I was cut adrift, I took mind-bending drugs just to change the pain, it didn't dissipate, but at least it was a different kind of pain for a time. I dissociated, A LOT.

 

[mumstheword]

Getting pregnant to a man, much like my abusive mother, changed things. I had someone now. My baby. I had a reason and a focus. I wasn't well but by gosh, I wanted a better life for him than I had had! I was seventeen. Parenting became my sole goal and purpose. I was still cut adrift normal society, we lived a life of renegades, fringe dwellers, modern gypsies without a clan, on the road or in the bush or squatting in derelict housing. Weed was our constant. I consumed. Really that's all my baby Dada had to offer. There was no care, no consideration, no security, no affection, only weed and his ambitions.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @mumstheword )))
I am SOOOO THANKFUL that you are getting good therapy, and will be going inpatient soon! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!:hug: :hug::hug:

There is SO much more that I want to write, but it's late and I am on my phone and it's harder to say all I want to say!

Just know that I am sending love, hugs and prayers!!!

Keep doing the best you can... Help is coming!!!!

BTW.... Your description of your relationship with God, the church, and "normal" Christians, lines up very much like mine! (I call those people "habitual Christians") They are the ones who make people "shun" those of us who are trying our best to live as Christ wants us to.

 

[Freida]

wow. Just wow. I finally had a chance to catch up and I have to tell you -- you are freeking amazing!!!! Everything you have suffered - and yet here you are ....bopping right along doing what you need to do to constantly improve, to get the help you need, to build a better life.

 

[mumstheword]

((( @mumstheword )))
I am SOOOO THANKFUL that you are getting good the...

Love love love love, lots of Love to you @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ :-)

Therapy is good but life is hard.

My heart carries that hope and light and peace beyond the hard, but some days I soooooooo look forward to the long sleep.

Today is one of those days.

You brighten my day though!

Kindness makes life livable and barable!

 

[mumstheword]

wow. Just wow. I finally had a chance to catch up and I have to tell you -- you are freeking amazing!!!...

I feel the same way about you @Freida !
Your spirit, humility, kindness and wise-mind blow me away. Sooo much respect for you!

I'm glad we are all here together. Everyone here is keeping me going at the moment.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling trapped and frozen.
This is what I keep suffering from more than just about all other symptoms.
Trapped, overwhelmed, frozen, numb/disconnected, and I get a lot of vajajay somatic pain and discomfort.
Sure disordered eating, is still something I'm working on but those symptoms I describe above? My daily struggle.

I guess I've had a lot of trapped. Most of my life feeling that way. I guess if I was raped as a one and a half year old? Not sure about that but that's the horrible theory at the moment, and then at three and a half and drugged with magic mushrooms to cover up the rape; then feeling trapped, overwhelmed, frozen, absolute panic and dissociation would make sense+
Especially with a non-caring abusive mother. And a mainly absent and inept father.

Shock is associated with numb and frozen.

After I left my ex my organs were cold. I was sooooo cold inside my core for months. Shaking spells, mania and hyperarousal, the kind of weakness, sometimes, that you think you will never move again, constant and excruciating intestinal pain, non-sleeping for I can't remember how long, deliruim, throwing up and pooping blood, feeling like my guts were being chewed up by guts-eating parasites, of course brain fog, really, really bad brain fog and constant dull brain pain, you could see my scull through my face. My fear and terror from leaving my children was so no extreme but I knew I had to fight my way back from the brink of the grave. I had to make it, if nothing else, but For them.

21 years of that kind of insane stress and crazy-evil trying to kill me without looking like he was and 7 babies born from my body at the same time with all that going on. I'm not sure how I made it but I think my will to be here for my children is crazy-strong.

 

[mumstheword]

The last couple of days I succumbed to the freeze-dissociate brought on by the neighbor abusing her child in the next house and now I don't know how to get back to more functional again.

We did have the pleasure of a policeman coming up (to my guy) and saying "hopefully she'll be gone soon" , after she's called them herself, not about us, but an issue with her other side neighbor.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home at the moment and it's obvious I'm a prisoner to my own brain and endocrine system.

It's very, very hot here at the moment. I just want to hide. That's all I really want to do. Hide and escape somewhere out of myself. I also want to get some order into my chaos of a life.
Two sufferers both triggered by the same person for different reasons, well, the same really; terrible abuse. Long term narcissistic and borderline abuse.

My guy's had no therapy really, but he is doing pretty well, regardless.
I think we both sit on a lot of terrible stuff that bubbles up occasionally and is the cause of our impaired functionality. It's so exhausting to not act on this horrid living-nightmare trauma-trigger shite!

He's discovered lots of hard drives, going through old stuff and putting movies on. Now researching chillies We seem to be immobilized at the moment, with half done jobs as far as the eye can see.
I'm not loving this.

 

[Freida]

I'm sorry its sucking right now -- but I'm amazed at how you are doing! You've identified the trigger, you are coping with it (yes its making you miserable - but you are coping!) and you are preventing yourself from doing things that might make it worse!

Maybe not doing anything is exactly what you need? A chance to just let things rest, not worry about half done jobs, take some time to regroup so that you are in a better position to move forward when you come back online.

I'm gonna call it a win for you!