Do you ever feel like you just want someone to save you?

[Gamereign555]

Don’t fall into the codependent trap.

It blindsided me.

I didn’t want a white knight but...

You have good advice. And it doesn’t encompass all want to help you. If you set your own personal boundaries and allow them their own, and there is no problem, then there is no problem. You kind of have to have a nose for if somebody’s being needy and relying on you, or you them. If someone wants to help us it’s not always too good to be true. I like to help people and I expect nothing in return. I wasn’t always that way. It took deciding that I wasn’t the most important thing in the world. Provided I am not falling on any swords for anyone I don’t see anything wrong with it.

And noticing that someone is being needy is always an opportunity to teach them That helping others is a good way to help ourselves.

There is a difference between giving because someone else gave and codependency. But it takes skill to recognize it. It’s all about expectations and not having them. Everything that we give is given as a gift and everything that we are given was given as a gift.

I have an amazing friend and we are both this way with each other and we go around helping other people as well.

Not everyone will get it but that is perfectly OK with us,there are hardwired to believe that everything that is given to them, has strings attached, and that If they give something to someone, then it is appropriate for them to expect something in return.

If you are with somebody who never gives ,then they just don’t get it. And that relationship probably wouldn’t work because there has to be give-and-take it’s just that you can’t expect it from them, it’s the subtlety that makes all the difference.

 

[Gamereign555]

I have no idea what you are talking about.

You are absolutely right not to fall into a codependency trap. I would never debate that. I simply wanted to point out that not all who want to fix us or save us or help us are in it for us to rely on them in return as to expect favors in return.

 

[Rose White]

I simply wanted to point out that not all who want to fix us or save us or help us are in it for us to rely on them in return as to expect favors in return.

This is in the forefront of my mind. A trap that I fall into is to feel completely obligated to people who help me, as though I am bound to them. Also, putting someone who helps me on a pedestal and seeing them as morally perfect.

I think it stems from the rescue fantasy. My parents were so inept at helping me (or just didn't do it or worse mocked me for wanting help) that I held out for the rescue. When I detected care or somewhat genuine help from an adult I would try to get rescued.

I now realize that the rescue fantasy was the cause of putting myself into many compromising situations. Healthy adults will usually not rescue other adults, but narcs and and unhealthy people will see opportunity.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I now count on God and myself to look out for my best interests. Yet when I first started therapy, I was overwhelmed with thoughts about wanting someone to rescue me.

 

[Gamereign555]

I think about this and I know the folly of wanting to fix or save someone. Or wanting that in return. I had been guilty of that, disappointed and turned myself overly selfish.

In some cases people don’t want fixed. Simply helping a little bit letting them know if there’s anything they need you are there is enough. And this way we are being appropriate with ourselves and the recipient. Sometimes just helping a little has profound effects in their life which are positive and can seem to fix them.

However people are not projects, people are people who do not like judgment generally and like to know that they can fix things on their own.

Following that some things have happening in my life, I’ve turned to a more selfless nature to repair my spirit.

Without a doubt, I feel better about myself and have better views on things though, I have had run-ins with those who desired to use me or abuse me.

This has lead me down a path of understanding human behaviors and perceptions.

Now I set boundaries and respect them.
I have always been honest to a fault or so I thought.

Now I am honest with myself as well.

I don’t think of people as projects because there is something inherently wrong with that. To help someone in such away is rooted in selfishness and not actually selfless.

I intend to stay this way, as long as I am not uprooting my own well-being to accommodate somebody else’s needs and wants and I feel this is OK.

Finally I am involved with normal people in my life who have trust and respect in me and I them. Those people are my friends.

 

[EveHarrington]

You have good advice. And it doesn’t encompass all want to help you. If you set your own personal...

Yeah, I’m still learning.

I think my (ex) cares, but it’s difficult to see where it crosses the line. It’s DEFINITELY different than how my other friends care. It’s more intense. The crazy codependency stuff didn’t really get bad until after we broke up.

 

[Gamereign555]

I know what you mean… The girl I live with that I really like, I tried to do some of her chores and she said no I’ll do it and I said no it’s OK I don’t mind and she responded by saying just let me do it, I find it relaxing.

This is a totally acceptable conversation. Where it goes wrong is if she has not expressed her need to have do her own stuff as she sees fit.

Such discontent may cause her to act strangely later on, or seemingly out of character. Or she may display the same sort of thing trying to help me and I hold it in. It’s all really just a bunch of nonsense and people not saying how they feel.

 

[Gs172003]

I am post-therapy and I am feeling a combination of helplessness and anger. I am in a place where I...

Every day. Except I don't. But I do. But I don't. I do? Ugh.

This is in the forefront of my mind. A trap that I fall into is to feel completely obligated to...

I was taught that that's the way it is. My mom threw around the " look what I'm doing for you" thing growing up so I always felt guilty.

 

[KaSi]

Absolutely. Sometimes I want a strong man to gather me up and protect me from it all. To hold me while I lay in his arms feeling like my world is ending. I think this comes from childhood when my dad was at work so much and I wanted nothing more than for him to gather me up and protect me from my mother (who always acted like a stepford wife when he was home but mummy dearest whenever he was gone).

 

[Treaty]

I am post-therapy and I am feeling a combination of helplessness and anger. I am in a place where I...

Not I don’t. I think for sure that position sets people up to be vulnerable. If you think about people who have their heads screwed on tight. Very few are the I almost want to say co dependent enablers. I feel like dysfunctional people want to be the white knights more than sane people. A healthy person will know your work is your own.

I think rescuer fantasies are dangerous. But that’s probably not even what you meant. Sorry just talking.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Today after crashing and burning, I do want someone to help me. But no one is available. So I am back to square one. I do not want to feel sorry for me but I could really use a break. I am trying to be that person to do that for me. But the thought did pop into my mind. Just for today only.

 

[Deleted member 45588]

I just feel like I can't trust anyone very well anymore, I just need someone I can trust, so in a way yes.