Holidays are lonely without family. but...

[ground crew]

I have complex ptsd, started life with trauma and that went on for 30 years or so. A lot of my early trauma came from family. So now that I am old and I have managed to alienate all my siblings and both parents, 2 exes and distant with both kids, I wonder of the value of trying to reconnect with my parents and siblings, the exes are out of the question. Of course I need to do better for my kids. But the abusers, why?

Oh, and the abuse was kinda gentle, we were in an upscale neighborhood and good Christians and all that. I just had some surprising violence when I was very young and that set me up for the PTSD and all the over reactions that comes with. So while there was abuse, the prime cause of my trauma was outside the family. Subsequent injuries by family I have to take some credit for in retrospect as I seem to have escalated the situations by my own over reaction. And then there were random events that contributed to or reinforced my startle reflex and other symptoms of PTSD, particularly in early adulthood, like car accidents, ambused in school by bullies, I was attacked by a freekin saint bernard who had me by the throat before I knew I was being attacked.

So, my people aren't that bad really, but they have watched me bounce around from job to job and never get anywhere. They have an opinion of me that oozes out of them at me which conflicts with my self image and makes me feel defensive, that strains conversation and reinforces the crazy opinion they already have. And pisses me off. Which may also reinforce the crazy opinion...

Oh, and if they want to talk, the phone I have also receives calls, I notice its not ringing....

 

[Supervixn]

You sound like you're taking responsibility for your part in things and that's awesome. Illness is illness and will be there still even if you were to reconnect with your family and everything went perfectly. Do they understand PTSD? Do you have a plan for yourself, how you'll respond etc, for when your illness flairs up around them?

 

[ground crew]

Not really. I'm on the west coast and they are mostly in indiana so no real plan. I have learned to feel my anxiety and take steps to calm down.

They are intellectually aware of my symptoms. I have not talked to anyone about it. I have not listed my traumas to them, but most of the childhood things they were part of in one way or another. Even as an observer.

I saw my daughter over the holidays and used the PTSD diagnosis with her. She did not know what it was. I asked her if she knew what a jack in the box was. Of course she said. Now that you know the surprise, it is not scary, right? No! She said. I hate that thing! It freeks me out!

That pretty much describes my whole world I said. She's 13. I told her as much as i told anybody not a therapist or online here.

Wonder if they could even hear some of this stuff? They couldn't hear the stuff that happened in the service... Not even a little bit.

 

[Supervixn]

So what is it you need or want from your family?

 

[ground crew]

Excellent question!

Respect. Compasion. Understanding. Forgiveness. Acceptance.

Never had it before. How could that possibly change?

Still, I'm told family is important...

 

[Supervixn]

I don't get any of those from family. It hurt most when I had the "should" mentality. Now its the "never will be" mentality and it's not as harmful to me anymore. Ive accepted their limitations and focused on my own recovery. We are all very estranged. I never hear from anyone. I might get a text from my mom on a holiday but otherwise I've learned to adapt.

If they want to be part of you it's a blessing. You should accept.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m afraid you’re going back to family based on the societal perception of how families should be.

 

[ground crew]

I get that. Maybe i just can't stand to lose and this feels like a lose to me.

 

[Supervixn]

Feels like a "lose" as in...? Explain please :)

 

[EveHarrington]

It could be a “lose”

But it could also be a “lose” that was gone long ago.

Fighting against something that is already gone just adds more pain.

I had to come to this conclusion when I said goodbye to my abusive dad. The Dad I wanted and needed never existed. To pretend otherwise was to just try and live a lie

 

[ground crew]

Like the lose you feel as a child when your big brother says"don't go away mad! Just go away!" In front of his friends and they all laugh and you slink away. Kinda like that. Like they drove me off. Which they did but I left... I won. Kinda...

 

[Supervixn]

You are fine. Trust your gut. You have every reason to be who and how you are. Be compassionate with yourself, friend. You know the best answer to your questions based on your experience.