Realizing how much distorted i am in my thinking and communication

[Deleted member 12723]

That silence can be a very positive, healthy response.

Yes I practice this a lot.

That I am responsible for communicating clearly and with full regard for another's humanity.

I am aware of this as well. What I was asking for I am recieving now in this thread. The people who have this problem are understanding what I am asking and for and I cannot put into words to help to help you to understand. I am truly sorry but I cannot make it more plain that what I have done already. Maybe read through through the entire thing again and maybe it might become more clear but it seems to me that the reason you do not understand is because you do not have these communication problems in your life and for that I am very happy for you.

I tend to realise that the words are being heavily impacted by cognitive distortions, but also emotions, more quickly if I write something out. Simply because it’s a slower process, and I see my wordss unfolding in front of me and I have more time to have the lightbulb go off and let me know like, “Ragdoll, there’s a whole lotta anger influencing the words right now, take a breath”. I don’t get enough time to always realise when I’m just in the flow of conversation.

Thank you so much, this is also happening for me here as I can catch myself more in practice re reading what I have said and thus see more quickly what my cognitive distortions are too.

Then I come back with my therapy hat on, and the list of “10 Cognitive Distortions” sitting beside me, and it’s a lot clearer where I’m losing the plot. The bulk of the emotions and distortions and core beliefs comes out the first time, and then I can come back and fix

Can’t do that with speaking - words that come out of my mouth are free-floating missiles that I no longer have control over.

With my dysfunctional daughter I seem to lose the ability to catch myself in speaking things that are not me. I really hope that this makes some sense. I have so much work and practice to do yet with my daughter because she is set off in anger and rage and her own cognitive distortions as she is not treated and not working on herself in treatment.

So journalling has become really critical for me. Even just writing stuff down on the back of a piece of paper to get it out of my system. And doing that, I think, is slowly (slooooowly) helping me communicate better generally.

I think I will try to start doing that to just write things down as they come up. Thank you so much for understanding what I have been talking about.

Writing is like my practice.

Mine too and it has really helped me more than anything else.

I’m getting more confident about what I say out loud having had loads of practice in writing. Writing? Is really safe. Saying something wrong to the wrong person at the wrong time? Less safe!

I am also noticing some improvement in finding the correct words I need in speaking but often I am still misunderstood and then I get confused if someone is not hearing me correctly and wonder if it is me or them.

I would also be hit out of nowhere. For nothing I did. I learned to be silent.

this happed to my whole life with my abusive parents too and I did learn to be silent and just take the abuse. This groomed me to become the perfect vicitm in my life once i moved away.

All the nuns liked me because I was a quiet, polite child, and gave my parents lots of credit.

This also happened to me during my growing up. Other people were always saying I was so well behaved and grown up and it made my parents look like they were good parents but never told me that. It was so confusing.

So honest, clear communication was not encouraged.

This kind of crippled me as far as communication went. I was afraid to talk to people. I didn't think anything I had to say was worthwhile. I took a communication class at college, and an assertiveness training class too. I would wait until something bothered me so much I would lash out. I learned how to be assertive, without being aggressive. Therapy helped me to set boundaries. I am far from good at this, but life brings up a lot of situations where I can practice.

Me too. I used to think I was the worst person on the planet. I had such a low worth of myself in my own eyes of me. But as the years passed and I began to work on myself and staying away from my family helped me more than anything else. I think I will look into that. Yet at the same time my eldest grandchild told me that I was assertive while visiting her in the group room she was in at the time for being suicidal. Thank you so much for weighing in everyone. You are really helping me so very much in this area.

 

[illusionist]

I'm only now learning to have a voice, and saying what I think/ need/ want. I do find that I often doubt what I want to say and tell myself that I will vocalise once I've considered what I am thinking is realistic or not.

 

[Sideways]

Dbt has a lot of work targetted specifically at communication styles and using techniques like Stop Think Go - a lot of dbt worksheets and stuff are now starting to become available online and some of them might give you some techniques to practice. Just thinking out loud, want to be supportive:)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'm only now learning to have a voice, and saying what I think/ need/ want.

I just found my own voice last year and have been using it and I think checking to see if it is realistic or not is a great tip, thank you so much.

Just thinking out loud, want to be supportive:)

Thank you so much Ragdoll, I am midway in the DBT skillsbook and have a spiral index cards filled with some of the main exercises to review as needed and found them very helpful but I have let it go and need to get back into it for the reasons you mentioned. Much appreciation.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I made a huge improvement when I went through the DBT workbook. My therapist almost fell on the floor in surprise! :playful:;).

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I made a huge improvement when I went through the DBT workbook.

I have been gone all day and think tomorrow I will pick it back up where I left off, because you have inspired me. I got mired down and stuck in it and really have been putting it off. I will try again tomorrow.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I just passed by the stuff that didn't resonate with me, and picked it up again later too. Baby steps.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I just passed by the stuff that didn't resonate with me,

Thank you so much what an excellent idea, I really appreciate this so much.:hug: