Childhood Can being spanked or beaten with a belt as a child cause problems in adulthood

[lostforgottensoul]

that is as abusive in my view, removing all but the most very basic of provisions is not an acceptable way to discipline anyone.

I'm not going to get in a debate. He was behaving very horribly and he had all of his needs. Clothes, a bed, he just didn't have his prized pocessions and I am sorry you see that as abusive but it worked. And he wasn't traumatized in the least. That is all I am saying about that.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't expect you to defend yourself, nor do I care whether you think it worked or not. My parents thought beating me half to death worked, nor would they have said I was traumatised. We often aren't great at seeing our own behaviour objectively, especially if it gets the results we want.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My parents thought beating me half to death worked, nor would they have said I was traumatised.

HE doesn't see it as traumatizing. There is a difference there. He also thanked me for doing that later on. Also a difference. His needs were met, his wants were taken away. I want to be clear on that.

This:

My parents thought beating me half to death worked, nor would they have said I was traumatised.

Was not done nor did a lay a hand on any of those kids. And that is what this thread is about.

I do not need to defend my actions. I looked after kids that no one else wanted to. And gave them all the love they deserved. But I want to be clear on what we are calling abusive. Taking away needs is abusive. Wants? Not so much.

 

[Artemus]

I posted something on myptsd a while back that included me mentioning getting belted alot as a child and some pe...

Beatings: I can add a bit here for what it is worth. I was beaten with a switch when I was still in diapers. Have memories of running in circles screaming with my father hitting my legs with a tree switch and other times as well. Mom left him when I was two because he was beating her also. I was beaten by boys individually and in groups from 1st grade through 5th grade. We moved. From 6th grade through high school I did the beating...I haven't stopped fighting those demons yet and they're long, long gone. I was whipped and paddled along the way, but I think the infant whippings and the gang beatings did more to create my cPTSD than teachers and later whippings, but who knows. I don't get thoughts of wanting to be whipped. The opposite really. If someone were to push me or (particularly) slap me, they'd be on the ground before their hand returned to their side. Who knows after that. I have been in sexual relationships with masochistic women. We played. I stopped if it got more than what I would call play. It wasn't/isn't something I can do as a lifestyle personally.

Religion: Had a really hard time with this for years. I separate churches and religion. After I read the teachings of Jesus, it occurred to me that there really wasn't that much Christianity in a church. It was more of a political gathering, a programming center if you will. So, while I claim to follow the Teachings of Christ, I seldom find a church I can tolerate either. And, I'm quite about that fact because my attitude irritates people who love going to church. And, plenty of nice people go to church. Plus, I can't stand looking at my Teacher dead on a cross as a metaphor for love. Sickens me. I've never really bought into the whole sacrifice for us thing. If you study biblical history, the Jews used to sacrifice what they loved most to God as a way of showing their love to him (including their children). It makes sense they'd say that God sacrificed the thing He loved most for them/us. Teachings of Christ are about love, compassion, and acceptance. Not judgement, death, and/or hell and damnation. I accept the Teaching, not the way it's used.

BDSM: Bottom line, is I wouldn't worry to much about it. Many people have sexual proclivities that are not the social norm. Deal with the guilt to be sure. Guilt is a waste and a dangerous feeling to dwell upon. Be safe in your behavior, and if possible find someone whom you can get close to in a relationship that fits for you.

PTSD: This is described to me as a Fight or Flight conditioned response that gets tattooed on a person from trauma(s). The best solution I've found for it is Transcendental Meditation, some reasonable meds, and Prayer. Not that this is a panacea, it isn't, but it does give me a life approaching normal most of the time , rather than attacking people verbally over trivial things daily. Still can't sleep though.

Hope that's useful. Wishing you all the best! AR.

 

[Lionheart]

I was beaten with a belt, (belt buckle, shoe or any other item that was handy at the time). Yes, I do think spanking and being beaten with a belt is abuse and I think it is harmful and one can have problems as an adult because of it.

My dad used to get drunk, when I was young, come in the house, scream and then hit me upside the head or beat me with a belt. Now when someone raises their voice around me I immediately become afraid of being hit or beaten.

I also believe that using religion or the Holy Bible to justify abuse of a child is definitely spiritual abuse. Jesus taught love, not abuse. If you chose to, tell God exactly how you feel about the past abuse. Misinterpretation of the bible is a sad thing and it is no excuse for hurting a child. I like the Native American belief that "nothing must be done to harm the children".

I hope you find healing. I also wish you peace, love, compassion, and deep comfort with whatever your chosen spiritual or religious beliefs may be.

 

[lostnconfused]

To answer your question, yes, being abuse like that can cause many problems: there is a lot of research stating this. Reading it helped me heal a lot, mostly by letting me know that, contrary to what my abusers had told me, I wasn't the problem and wasn't the only person whose parents were abusive. I went through the same thing you did, and, like the research states, I developed social anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, etc.

I dislike and feel ashamed of how my abusers treated me during my childhood; I still feel that I have to hide how they treated me from everyone in real life because it was that awful and embarrassing. It's like this big, dark, dirty, shameful secret that I have to hide from others. I can't get rid of the memories; they're always there, even when I try to feel or do something to try to make me feel happy about myself.

I've felt conflicted for years, though, because one of my parents told me that their parents abused them, growing up (and, I guess, the other parent was abused, too, but just didn't tell me about it); how they grew up poor immigrants, without money, etc. Also, I strongly feel that at least one parent might have undiagnosed bipolar disorder (they've also had emotional outbursts and mood swings, seemingly acting nice and normal for a while, then, without cause or reason, would suddenly be angry and abusive at everyone in the world) and that that might be the reason why they were abusive towards me and my sibling.

It's affected me, socially, too, and I've wondered whether it had a negative affect on my sexuality because I don't feel attracted to anyone; I've never dated or had a partner, which kind of hurt, being surrounded by other, happy couples. (They have someone who loves and who wants to protect them.) Others don't show much interest in me; I'm not from here and don't have any friends because I don't have money like others do, so I feel a bit alone. But, since I grew up witnessing my parents and relatives being abusive and arguing all the time, a part of me likes not being in a relationship and having to deal with that.

 

[MyWillow]

I was an extremely well behaved child. Painfully shy. Tightly controlled. Desperate not to be noticed and stay out of trouble. So being belted for making a mistake (dropping something) or crying was surprisingly devastating. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Learned helplessness 101.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was an extremely well behaved child. Painfully shy. Tightly controlled.

i can relate to being this way as a small child too. People around my abusers would always comment on what a well behaved child I was and it just bolstered the false image my abusers were trying to project. That they were superiour as parents. Blah.

 

[Sideways]

He was behaving very horribly and he had all of his needs. Clothes, a bed, he just didn't have his prized pocessions

I think that any child’s basic needs go beyond simply providing food and bedding, and leaving a child in a room with nothing more than rudimentary bedding is pretty awful.

One of the nights I spent in the ED, the only available ‘bed’ was the mattress and pillow on the floor of a room set aside for patients coming in with severe psychosis who were a real safety risk to themselves and others. The room was empty but for a mattress and pillow, and my options were to sleep in there, or not at all.

I stayed in the room for a couple of hours trying to sleep, and was even given valium to assist me to sleep. There was no chance. Despite technically being a ‘hospital room’, it was a cell. And eventually I simply couldn’t handle being in that room and opted for the floor in the hospital hallway.

The experience of being in that room has never left me. I don’t think it ever will. The idea that it had all my ‘basic needs’ is simply not true. One of my basic needs is to be treated with basic human dignity, and being in that room was the polar opposite of being treated with dignity. The fact that the hospital staff felt that it was acceptable to have me (I was lucid, and not by any stretch any kind of safety risk to anyone) spend a night in those conditions? Still blows my mind. If I were in a third world country that might explain such conditions, but it wouldn’t make them acceptable.

And if anyone, child or adult, were to go so far as to express gratitude for being treated that way, it speaks to that person’s mental health, not to the acceptability of those conditions.

That probably sounds like a whole lot of judgment, but it’s not intended to be. I don’t know the circumstances that led to you caring for this teen, or why you decided discipline like that was necessary at the time.

But having been in a similar situation? That isn’t providing a person with their ‘basic needs’. Not by a long shot.

Any person with a child in their care who feels like they have no more options left but to put a child in that situation? I would hope that the adult would recognise “this situation is no longer one that I can manage, and I need help with this child’s care”.

 

[Gs172003]

I think that any child’s basic needs go beyond simply providing food and bedding, and leaving a chil...

There is a difference in having that stuff taken and knowing you will get it back and not ever having it at all.

 

[Sideways]

There is a difference in having that stuff taken and knowing you will get it back and not ever having it at all.

Absolutely, but to my mind, that doesn’t necessarily make it ok.

The description of discipline that I was replying to was describing a child being left in a room that had less than inmates in solitary confinement. Even for a short period of time, the message being given to that child is: “Based on your behaviour, you deserve less than a violent criminal being held in solitary confinement in prison...”.

I was only in that (unlocked) room for a couple of hours. The impact of those hours is an experience that I will never forget. Being left staring at bare walls, from a mattress on the floor? Isn’t something I think many people would get over easily. Certainly it’s left it’s mark on my psyche.

 

[Gs172003]

Absolutely, but to my mind, that doesn’t necessarily make it ok.

The description of discipline that...

We will have to agree to disagree. Two completely different scenarios.