Reaction v disorder

[Muttly]

@Friday I am not sure I completely agree with you when you say that if you really believe there's nothing shameful or no sense of failure what you call PTSD won't matter.

You mentioned the word retard. I really don't like that word. I don't like it because it's the word the kids chanted at me. It's the word at least some adults whispered about me. So yes, it has negative associations for me. However I am long past any feeling of shame, inferoriety, etc over my neurological issues. Words like dyslexia, dysgraphic, aphasia, apraxia and on and on don't bother me because they don't carry the same associations. Now, I could try to desensitize myself to the word retard but why? It's a word. I don't like it. I don't need to like it.

I still feel like you are making an assumption about the @Mee's motivations. Maybe Mee is avoiding, but we can't know that for certainty. We don't live inside Mee's head. Avoidance, to me, would not be coming to this forum and having a thoughtful discussion about what terminology resonates.

For me, when describing my alphabet soup of neurological quirks, I tend to use neurological-atypical if I want to sound smart or miswired when I am use shorthand. For several years, I went through a process of trying to come up with what would fit me. And yes, there was a time when I was resistant to the terminology of disorder. Not because I was ashamed, but because I felt disorder only told part of the story. Yes, I would love it if my brain didn't scramble letters. Yes, today I was completely frustrated by face-blindness. I am not going to deny my challenges. But I have always figured my badly wired brain has also allowed me to be highly creative. It allows me to look at things in an unique way (thinking out of the box) that people seem to envy at times. The thought process of trying out different labels and deciding that I had way too many labels to care, was incredibly healing. I am not going to assume what Mee is doing is any different. After all, it could be argued that reaction instead of disorder tells a more complete story in some ways. The same reactions that helped us to survive when we experiencing trauma are causing us trouble. There isn't one path to self-acceptance and healing and I hope this discussionbrings Mee one step further down that path

 

[Gs172003]

@Friday I am not sure I completely agree with you when you say that if you really be...

My husband is dyslexic I get exactly what you're saying.

 

[Mee]

Nope.

Not triggering at all, and it’s not the semantics.

PTSD has had a lot of different names over...

I think there is a difference between descriptors and semantics and euphemisms.

I think also while I am keen not to over avoid and have other issues I an aware of; I am also very committed to regaining full sense of self. This feels some way off at times. I will say I find the aggression in replies here often very triggering ( thought not injurious; just triggering of existing vulnerability.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

disorders facebook friend learned of my ptsd today and said he too had it but he suggested reframing it as...

I felt like being told I had disorders after assault was somehow like blaming the victim or accusing the victim of being flawed and I think the whole disorder thing hurt my confidence. Like I was somewhat anxious but okay, then something happens and I am afraid to go outside and I suddenly have disorders. Like "disorder" somehow means in English that something is wrong with an individual, probably especially because it is used in medical terminology to explain problems with physiology like a heart disorder or something where something is wrong with the heart of an individual. I feel like a better way to describe to young and naive people would be something like "panic caused by trauma" rather than something like "panic disorder". Someone thought that things get described as all disorders and the like because it is a good way to bill insurance companies, and thinking about it this way makes complete sense, but at the time I sort of believed that I was being told that I had all sorts of things wrong with me because I had a bad reaction to other people being jackasses.

 

[blackemerald1]

A really long time ago PTSD had different name's as has already been mentioned.
I had relative's return from War's who had these conditions & you know all of the relations took really good care of them. There was never a question about their condition or why they could not snap out of it etc. 'Battle fatigue' I remember was one of the names.
With PTSD as with a lot of our language these days has been reduced to a few letter's. Even on the news to the mostly uninformed public just the letters are used. So unless you actually know what those letters mean via being making yourself truly informed or are a sufferer, supporter or treater of some kind... I often wonder how anyone outside in the world would have any clue & by personal experience when I have been 'outed' by a situation I have had very well educated ppl (even from the medical field) ask me what it is.
I've also had ppl tell me they know all about PMT! Could not believe it!
So the level of misunderstanding is huge. I don't have the answer to this but just mentioning it...

 

[Deleted member 45988]

A really long time ago PTSD had different name's as has already been mentioned.
I had relative's...

I actually like "battle fatigue" or "shell shock" better than describing something as a "disorder", but these terms seem to only refer to negative reactions following military service, usually in a war zone.

 

[blackemerald1]

Well yes they refer to Military trauma but when the vet's came home they (at least in my country) were treated with respect, particularly by family & society generally. I know it was a different era & all that. But I recall my parents & grandparents telling me what was wrong & even as a child I grasped the concept.
Now all trauma that happens in war or elsewhere is called PTSD. I think it says something but explains nothing. Maybe that's a good thing for some ppl. Idk All I know is it gets thrown around with apparent abandonment & ppl either don't want to know or prefer to not find out. So War Vets, Emergency Service etc are put in the same category as child sexual assault or car trauma, rape etc etc.
So then you get the awkward situation where the letter's mean nothing.
It is apparent when one must start with a new therapist who knows you have PTSD but has no basis to begin. So there is a void right from the start & it's whole meaning has so many different meanings unless you muster the effort, courage etc to explain, even in general term's the type or origins the trauma injury derived from.
Idk, I'm sure somebody much more educated than I had a good reason.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

Well yes they refer to Military trauma but when the vet's came home they (at least in my country)...

Yeah, I think explanation someone gave me for DSM categorizations being about billing insurance companies makes some sense, along with the fact that categorizations pass along some useful information about a basket of symptoms. But, in my case, actual events were not that bad, it was the social reaction when I tried to seek justice that made it bad followed by retriggers, especially a recent one. Someone who is a military vet might have an opposite problem, where they maybe experienced truly traumatic violence but maybe then received a lot of support. So I received a diagnosis of ptsd but it's really more about rage at victim blaming and evil doers never being punished, which might have very little in common with someone who can't stop reliving a horrifying event, except there were things like panic attacks, continual focus on event, etc. in common. But it's really not the same thing.

 

[Gs172003]

Yeah, I think explanation someone gave me for DSM categorizations being about billing insurance compa...

My understanding is that lack of support after trauma is one of the reasons some people end up with PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

My understanding is that lack of support after trauma is one of the reasons some people end up with PTSD...

I don't think events I had happen were in any way remotely as bad as something like a war vet having legs blown off and seeing friends die, to me that is sort of a real ptsd. But at the same time I am continuously emotionally back in events that happened a long time ago, just as angry as I was just after it happened and clearly remembering everything that happened, and I had severe panic attacks and agoraphobia just after events and I have long since entirely forgotten about things I have been upset about in interviewing years. And I have a lot of trouble with alcohol and smoking when I get upset about it and continually thinking how one event effected me in many ways and how things should be different. And I have a lot of difficulty enjoying and/or focusing on the present/being in the present as I am continuously upset about or thinking about the past.

So I don't think of it as ptsd so much like a war vet might have, but somehow it seems not entirely dissimilar and if you have to call it something, ptsd is the best fit.

I sort of think that what gets called ptsd might really be a bunch of things, and if you have to separate it into two things it might be (1) a truly traumatic event -and- (2) an event that messed with one's sense of reality and justice and internalizations about how the world works and how it should work. Or maybe with many people it's a combination of two, but with me it's almost entirely the 2nd one.

For me problem was all about getting blamed and accused because perpetrators were gay and everyone around me were gay activist types and psychologists I saw tended to be liberal women who seemed to have great difficulty seeing why I might be so enraged. And dsm interpretations saying I have disorders because other people were criminals and nobody cared added to this.

 

[Gs172003]

I don't think events I had happen were in any way remotely as bad as something like a war vet having...

Weren't you assaulted?

 

[Deleted member 45988]

I don't think events I had happen were in any way remotely as bad as something like a war vet having...

In short, I feel like calling something a "disorder" after a car crash or war experience might be okay, but if it's with something that messed with ones head with all sorts of blame connotations, it's like "disorder" might seem like just seem like another blame or professional opinion that real problem is with victim. Like maybe someone gets molested as a youngster and then they are told the real problem is that they have a "disorder," maybe already internally confused victim might think real problem isn't with perpetrator but with the victim since the victim is the one with the "disorder". In my case I was told that there was something wrong with my brain chemistry and I needed to be on medication on top of being told I had disorders.

Weren't you assaulted?

Yeah, but it wasn't violent. I woke after drinking to girlfriends gay best friend and his boyfriend getting me erect and trying to mount me or something. The real issue was he continuously bragged about "converting" straights and having sex with straights and kept trying to pressure me into sex, including things like repeatedly trying to sit on my lap. And it was like my continuous refusal to have sex with him bothered him and so he kept trying harder until finally assaulting me. And I was totally liberal and committed to things like gay rights and put up with his previous misconduct because I felt like as a black gay he was a victim.

So I expect after events for everyone to be outraged at what had happened, but girlfriend believes him over me and is initially furious at me for cheating on her with her gay friend, female best friend initially listens to me but then becomes friends with them after this because she was devoted to gay rights (she was largely raised by a lesbian friend of her mothers since her mother was very bad alcoholic) and liked gay men and these were first gay men she met after moving here. Everyone else seemed to be mad at me, roommates made fun of me for being gay. I go to counseling at university and gay advocate counselor I'm assigned has no interest at all.

So I keep getting angrier and somehow people seem to get in their heads that I am angry because I am really secretly gay or something, which makes me even angrier, etc. then I check myself into hospital and real problem is I have disorders and maybe because I am so angry I might be dangerous.

At no point did anyone assist me in pressing charges or anything or even suggest that I might press charges. It really shouldn't have been a big deal at all, but there were so many blames and accusations against me that I felt like the whole world made no sense and was afraid to go outside because constant panic attacks combined with extreme anger made me feel like I was going insane and might lose control and hurt someone.


Then there were two ridiculous gay roommate situations, the first directly resulting from gay assault and the 2nd rendering me homeless for several months as well as some other minor assaults and absurdities.

So the problem for me is I not only not get past it, but if I even try to talk about it there are inevitable conclusions that the real problem is that I am secretly gay or hate gays or might be dangerous to gays or there is just disbelief. So the very beginning of first incident (guy sitting on my lap, etc) has still not even been addressed let alone everything else. So there is no where for anger and outrage to go. Like I feel like women can come to his site and complain about men continuously harassing them or go to psychologist (who are mostly liberal) and release tension and have an outlet, but with me the anger and outrage is just stuck there with no where for it to go and me drinking or chain smoking to deal with it